WHY I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF TODAY - PIZZA HANDS

Friday evening pizza party! So what if I have like a hundred more things to do before the end of the work day? We are havin' a pizza party! There's some new staff or something, who knows, but to celebrate their arrival, we get pizza and beer. And that's why I'm not killing myself today... although I am very sad that we killed Hamilton Morris.

WHY I AM KILLING MYSELF TODAY: THIS GUY

This little man with the lightsaber boner spanked me on the bum with a leather paddle while I rode a Segway back and forth in a room full of Jedis. Repeatedly. How did this come to pass? Well, you’ll just have to wait until our April issue comes out to read the whole sordid tale. Unfortunately, I will be dead by then. All the google-image-searched rainbow cakes in the world cannot erase the memory of this day. OK, well, that's it. If anyone wants my cat, please email vice@viceland.com with the subject heading "I Can Haz Dead-Amy's Cat?" Her name is Lucky Star and she is an adorable 14-year-old tuxedo cat with huge eyes and feline diabetes.
TTYL forever,
AMY KELLNER

WHY I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF TODAY - NOT SURE, POSSIBLY LIZA MINNELLI

There hasn't been any standout reason why life is worth living today. I ate a bad chicken sandwich yesterday and it's been downhill from there. Mostly I just feel sleepy. If I had to pick something, I guess it would be the DVD of Liza With a Z that I watched last night. She's so crazy looking. And her hair. She has a devil's lock and pointy sideburns. She looks like Cody Critcheloe! And you know, the Fosse moves. FOSSE! I don't have to say any more. Click down there for the two best song-and-dance numbers in it.

WHY I’M NOT KILLING MYSELF TODAY - TGIF!

It’s 5:27 PM on a Friday and I am daydreaming about vacations. I’m officially Cathy. I haven’t been on a real vacation like, ever? I mean one of those package deals to some tropical place where they have bingo and shuffleboard and beaches and multiple pools and saunas and shit like that. I have decided that I am going. I wanna be like Liz Lemon on the beach in my tank-skort and black socks with my very own sandwich turtle. My one requirement: POOL BAR. Like, where you can swim up right to the bar and drink whilst half-submerged, sitting on an underwater stool. Requirement #2: A nice, not too crowded beach. Today I begin my quest. Will you help me?