Remember way back in spring when we introduced you to Motherboard, VBS.tv's lustrous answer to the drab diaper that is the media's technology coverage? We promised to deliver you an entire brain's worth of intriguing personalities and developments in everything from robotics to video-gaming to the future of music and film-making, noting also that we would forever avoid stuff like steampunk, inane gadgets, and the assorted goings-on inside Silicon Valley boardrooms. On the heels of our success, we're pleased to announce we've taken the job one colossal step beyond: Motherboard, in cahoots with the ever-gracious humans at Dell, has graduated to its own internet web-place: Motherboard.tv!
About three years ago, a friend of mine asked me to join this random message board. From what I've understood, it's like pretty much every other message board out there: a few hundred middle-aged retards who spend their workdays typing profanities at one another and uploading links to various obscure albums. It's a world within itself where a person is judged as being a good poster by how badly they can upset others. I'm really good at upsetting people, so I threw myself into it with a real go-to attitude. The feeling I get from typing out "go kill your fucking self" to a half dozen random strangers, is equal to that of scratching a really good itch in a hard to reach place. But that makes people turn into wild, frothing beasts. Read on for a Top Five of the best ways I've been insulted on the internet.
Second Life is an online gaming community where you can escape the tedium of actually engaging with real people and immerse yourself in a poorly rendered fantasy world. It is well known for catering for all tastes and for popularising the infuriating term 'avatar'. An avatar is your online appearance; in my case, a rohypnoltastic wank fantasy with unfeasibly large boobies. Why? Because I've heard that you can pay someone to sexually assault you on Second Life. I wanted to see just how harrowing pixelated deviance could be. I met a
French guy called Sympacool and he showed me how it's done.
Way, way back in the 1990s the best way to jazz up your web-page was to add an animated image called a GIF. Remember those spinning globes or a flaming torches? They look pretty ghetto, huh? Well, now that most animation is done through Flash or video, the humble GIF has gained cult status. A guy called Cyriak has gained a rep for making funny, lo-fi animations. He's recently made a film featuring his greatest GIFs and it's probably the best thing we've seen online this week...
What happened to comment spam? The usual adverts for Viagra and Vicodin are being blocked by anti-spam software and so robots that send out spam are trying another tactic. They're now leaving gloomy, grumbling statements that have nothing to do with the product they're spamming about. They range from specific gripes about the state of the world to more random melancholia...
Stoner posters, and people who buy them are the worst (what are you too good for the Simpsons?). They’re all the same: alien sitting atop a groovy mushroom, puffin’ on a fat joint, with giant weed leaf in the background that only appears under blacklight. Total fucking garbage. Well apparently Larry Carlson decided to set the bar to new heights on his website. Perhaps it’s the choppy, barf inducing graphics, or the not-quite-right music. Is this the work of a genius, or someone who hates brains and eyeballs.
The future is going to suck! Last week we reported that talking on your cell phone causes bees to die, which kills crops, which results in famine. Well, here's some more not-so-happy-in-the-hereafter news. Apparently the radiation emitted by wireless internet networks kills brain cells, so we'll all be riddled with brain cancer and senile in our forties. This electronic smog could turn out to be "the cigarette of the 21st century."
Modern day Casanovas aren’t like the rest of us. Do you think they want to waste countless hours making small talk in bars in the faint hope of getting some tail? Following the tradition of Worthington’s Law, rich playboys have once again proved themselves better than us with a website that caters to their every need. Society Service offers a plethora of options straight out of a 1980s teen comedy dream sequence: ferraris, massages, erotic dinners, expensive tits. You can practically hear the sax solos...
Hey Bluetooth! All that yabbering on your phone may be the reason why human civilization is about to perish. Many scientists believe that radiation emitted by mobile phones is messing with the internal navigation system of bees, and causing them to lose their way back to their hives. As a result, bee colonies are collapsing rapidly - more than half of the bee population in the US dropped dead this year. Dead bugs don't seem like such a big deal until you remember that bees pollinate one third of the world's crops. No pollination = Famine = Armageddon. So, do us all a favour: shut the fuck up.
A couple of weeks ago our little Swedish chums were given a digital pen and a digital pad to doodle on. Their teachers have now put together an exhibition of what they've created (see pics)...
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