JAPAN - THE ENCOURAGING SHRINE

 

Japan is the place where ridiculous things are easily accepted by everyone. For instance, this ancient penis-worship shrine built out of grave stones. No one knows exactly when it was made, but it clearly came before 1364 since there was a book written about it in that year. We do, however, know it was made "for couples hoping to have the healthy children," which is a great thing to support with our tax money.

BERLIN - THE TOILET SIGNS OF PRAGUE

What do you do when visiting Prague fort he first time? Sightseeing for sure. It is a beautiful city, exuding culture from every corner of its picturesque alleys, reminding you of Kafka all the time, really challenging you with with the miserable touristic cattle run on Kalsbridge. Like the tourist that you are you drag yourself with the other idiots through the city, and like all the other tourists you are confronted with just one question: Where the hell can I have a piss? Well, Praque has the highest public toilet concentration in the whole wide world. Subjectively.

NEW YORK - RETURN TO STUCKEY'S

 I'll be on the road for the next month playing keys with my band The Weight, who you may remember from Practice Space on VBS. We're traveling to nearly 30 cities in 19 states and will be passing through a bunch of others. One thing you do on the road is eat at establishments both iconic and obscure, so I'm going to keep you updated about what I’m putting in my mouth.

NEW YORK - WHEN YOUR HOT DOG FALLS APART, THERE'S ALWAYS SECRET CAVERNS

If all the hot dogs and LSD of summer have mutated what’s left of your smarts into blubber and you find its easier to just glide on the slime of BBQ obesity farts than walk, its time for an educational psychedelic road trip to refresh. I suggest a holistic excursion that will cram all the art, science, and magic that you may need to alight the cerebrum back into action and get you re-spirited, fresh, crisp and ready for more hot dogs, LSD, and BBQ farts. In particular I recommend a trip to Secret Caverns,which is of course all about the coolness of caves and geology but comes with an extra bonus of a tripped-out hairy freak happening hosted by a Ya Ho Wha-ian rascally goblin.

NEW YORK - BOMBS AT THE BAR

After visiting Mallorca on holiday with her parents as a kid, my dad’s cousin packed her goodies and went on her own back in 1983. She was 19 and had promised her old man to check in with the local beach bar owner Julio when she arrived. They knew him from their previous vacations there. And boy did she check in, because she’s been there ever since.

JAPAN - HOKKAIDO, LAND OF DILDOS, KNIVES, AND OPPRESSION

I'd heard stories of life on Japan's north island of Hokkaido, a place that stretches as long as Britain and makes up 25 per cent of Japan’s land mass despite holding only 5 percent of its population. With a history of colonization, ethnic repression, threats from Russia, and as the bearer of Japan's own Meiji-era gulags, it seemed to me to be Japan's final frontier. I booked a flight to Hakodate, the port at Hokkaido's southern tip, rented a car, and set off on the long road north. Along the way I encountered power-tool wielding convicts, erotic woodcarving ethnic Ainu potheads, strung-out bikers, and an apocalyptic scattering of abandoned buildings. I also nearly got kidnapped by Russian sailors. 

STOCKHOLM - MOOSE MAN: THE BIGGEST ALCES ALCES-HOLIC IN SWEDEN

Former farmer Karl-Åke Karlsson has been in the moose safari drive-thru business ever since he sold his domestic animals in the 1990s and got a moose. All tourists are requested to stay in the car. This rule does not apply to Karl-Åke. He is very much at one with the herd, and unlike you, he’s allowed to go up to them and pet them whenever he likes.

NEW YORK - WHITE HOT IN MALTA

I am a white person, nearly even "albino." My mom told me I was "alabaster" as a kid, and for self-image reasons I’m rolling with that. So when my family decided to leave Australia and move to Malta–the mecca for all things brown–it came as quite a shock. Although I'd like to resist the notion that I am now randomly and technically a Maltese resident, I had to give in recently and embrace my new home. 

KOY PEN AMERICAN - JONNY OLSEN IS BIGGER THAN JESUS (IN SOUTHEAST ASIA)

If you know who Jonny Olsen is, then you are most probably a 15-year-old girl from Vientiane. That's because Jonny is the hottest thing in Southeast Asian pop music right now. Which is a little odd, because he's from LA. 

BERLIN - A DAY IN THE LIFE OF EUROPE’S BIGGEST SUBSIDIZED THEME PARK

Euro white trash beats US white trash any day of the week. When the former group holidays, they go to Tropical Islands on the German/Polish border--an indoor holiday resort subsidized by the European Union so poor people can afford to get out of town. This is a tale about 24 hours in this sultry land.