MEET THE NIERATKOS - LONNIE INVASION

Sunday we took my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie to see a 60s cover band called The British Invasion Tribute Band at our local community center. Lonnie—or Lonald, as I often call him, or Lon Da Milan or Lonzie or Lonnie Bonnie Bo Bonnie—is a H-U-G-E Beatles fan. He knows every word to every song from every album. The Beatles are his shit. He’s kind of like the retarded version of John Cusack in High Fidelity.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!

Well, I suppose I've hit my peak. It’s all downhill from here. VICE told me that the story of getting Daisy pregnant last week got the most hits ever for anything ever on the internets. Which I can only assume is because Mike Anderson has a huge fan base or people accidentally stumbled across my stupid story when googling Mark Gonzales. They suggested I do more “skate gossip.” I stared at them blankly with thoughts of murder in my heart.
Either way, I’ll never come close to attaining those numbers again. Well, this week I present to you a groundbreaking thesis statement: Porn chicks are duh! I’d go so far as to say SUPER DUH!

MEET THE NIERATKOS - I GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT

Oh, this is horrible. I generally have a strong policy against feeling bad about anything I do ever but this one is eating away at me. I can’t sleep at night, I feel awful. You see, I have impregnated another woman who is not my wife. I feel like Elliot Spitzer or one of the many other famous pieces of shit that gets wrapped up in such scandals. I have a feeling this is going to make things weird between me and my wife. Especially since, you know, our own kid is due in three months. 

MEET THE NIERATKOS - PHOTO REJECT

Do you know that routine with the football that Lucy would pull on Charlie Brown? Where she yanks it away each and every time he runs to kick it so he eats shit? That’s basically how my relationship is with Vice. And I’m stupid Charlie Brown.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - M.O.R.E.

When I was younger we skated with a fat kid named Fat Matt who had a stuttering problem. He was the best dude. So jolly. He couldn’t ollie but he could do the craziest step-off tricks. One time he fell hard at a skate contest and someone videotaping him jokingly asked, “You OK, Fat Matt?” His response? “Puh-p-p-p-p-pah—FUCK YOU.” Classic. Ever since then I’ve been looking for another jolly fat kid to replace the void that Fat Matt left.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - LA IS GAY

I know the “LA is gay” sentiment is pretty prevalent in most East Coasters. And I was reminded of why that is when I was out there last week. The reason is because LA IS GAY. Why? Let me count the ways…

MEET THE NIERATKOS - JANINE AND BRUCE

While I was out in LA working I got this email from my wife:
You remember Janine from Lonnie’s H.o.G. gatherings? Of course you do. Well, I haven’t seen Janine in a while and Tuesday at Lonnie’s Ice Cream Social she came over to me and asked me in her high-pitched voice, “Are you carrying a baby?” I said, “Yes, I am.” She said, “You didn’t look like you were carrying a baby at the Christmas party.”...

MEET THE NIERATKOS - AN OBITUARY

We interrupt Chris’s life of comedy with a moment of seriousness...

I found out the other day that a person I knew in a former life hanged himself. His name was Shannon McFadden. He was my age. Many who know about New Jersey skateboarding know the guy used to kill it on a skateboard--even recently I heard he had been killing the KCDC miniramp. But it's safe to say that skateboarding was his most redeeming quality.

TWITTER - REHAB THE EMAIL

Chris Nieratko has evidently taken over the guy who runs REAL Skateboards' twitter account for the day. So far the posts have been squarely divided between attempts at impugning his own heterosexuality and permutations of the words coffee, rehab, emails, and the plant, but who knows what he's got in store for the PM. Here's the email he sent out about it...

MEET THE NIERATKOS - CUBA PART 1

Recently a crew of 18 friends and I flew to Cuba (via Panama) to give away skateboards to the kids down there who can’t get them because of the embargo. The full stories will appear in Vice and The Skateboard Mag in a few months. You can read the background story here. Or watch this inspirational little documentary on the scene down in Havana that prompted us to put the trip together.