MEET THE NIERATKOS - SEÑOR SCHNITZEL

Dear Vice readers, I am on paid paternity leave, helping my son milk my wife’s breasts. To ease you into the awesomeness that is my drawering for an Etnies ad in next month’s 15th anniversary issue of Vice, I present to you my world-famous, half-Mexican/half-German time-travelling detective, Senor Schnitzel, as seen on my Canadian friend’s website, King Shit.  

MEET THE NIERATKOS - NEVER FORGET

Are we friends? I like to think so. And it is because we are friends I must come clean. I have been perpetrating a lie for the past nine months. 

MEET THE NIERATKOS - ONESIE FUNSIE

So this kid hasn’t shown up yet. I don’t know what his deal is. I have the laziest kid on earth. I fear for his development. Or perhaps I am an unfit father who should have purchased him a watch so he could know what time it is and that HE'S FIVE DAYS LATE ALREADY. 

MEET THE NIERATKOS - WANT TO SEE MY WIFE'S TITS?

Do you?

MEET THE NIERATKOS - SAVE CANADA FROM ITSELF

I have a love/hate relationship with Canada. I loved that my three Canadian friends brought their crappy newspaper Big Brother rip-off to America and got rich making the mega pyramid that is the uber-hip VICE enterprises. I hate that Canada thinks it is so awesome (which it is not) that it doesn’t let people like me, who have a few minor DUIs and casual felonies under their belt, into their stupid country.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - GOODBYE, ANDY KESSLER

On Monday, August 10th, the skateboard community lost another icon, and many of us lost a very good, very kind, solid friend. OG NYC skateboarder Andy Kessler was stung by a wasp and died. I have very little to say about this. I still cannot believe it’s real. When I found out, I was walking out the door with my wife to see the OBGYN for our weekly visit leading up to our baby being born. The extreme emotions of anticipation of life and sadness of death floored me and made me vomit. 

MEET THE NIERATKOS - SKATEBOARDING IS SO GAY RIGHT NOW

 

A few years ago my friends over at Lakai came up with a t-shirt that said: Skateboarding is So Hot Right Now! And at the time it was quite appropriate. Skateboarding was EVERYWHERE; from TV commercials to print ads for JCPenney. But just a few short years later skateboarding has gone from virgin to town whore with a gaping butthole. And Lakai’s phrase needs some updating. I'm thinking it should be Skateboarding is So Gay Right Now.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - BABY IN THE BELLY

Remember when I used to piss and moan about not being able to get my wife, Cris Nieratko, pregnant? Man, those were the days. At least back then I was getting laid. Now I’m looking at six weeks until Christopher II: The Fetus Strikes Back is released and it’s all baby, all the time. No more yanky my wanky.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - I KNOW WHAT YOU LEARNED LAST YESTERDAY

Friends, please read the following list, slowly and carefully. I need you to pay very close attention to each and every detail of what I’m telling you. I’ll explain afterwards.

MEET THE NIERATKOS - LOPSPITAL

It’s not all fun and games for my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonzie. Nope. Lonald has a very rare disease that only afflicts ogres and giants that make it difficult for him to rock out too hard or too often. He never had this problem before. It only started when he came down the beanstalk to get his goose back; he’s never been the same since. That’s why events like Beatles Cover Bands can’t be a regular occurrence. Lonzie gets too psyched and ends up in the Emergency Room.