Nothing says summer like roller coasters, ferris wheels, water slides, and hordes of 12-year-olds making out and groping one another. And I don't mean regular making out--I mean an experimental lick-fest. But what is it about tween love that's just so gnar-gnar? Is it their child flesh on the verge of rotting into adulthood? Or the chub-acne faces? Perhaps it's just their really awesome personalities. I think a tween love make-out and rub-down is twice as disturbing as 2 Girls, 1 Cup. Don't believe me? Well, a recent trip to Six Flags provided me with more than enough evidence to make my point.
I’m into freaks. Really tall, deathly thin guys who look like they’re dying, deaf guys, guys who seem like they might have a slight mental retardation – basically anyone who looks like they were bullied at school. However, since immersing myself within a universe of hipster trendoid fucktards, I sometimes find it difficult to meet the sort of guys I’m looking for. So in search of my freak boyfriend, I’ve put an ad up on gumtree.com advertising my love of genetic anomalies.
When you hop on shoulders it's at a festival to see what the heck's going on up there on the stage, or to get over a fence, or to pluck a shiny apple off the Crimson Crisp tree, or if you're a little kid and your legs are tired. But Ralph's an adult who doesn't need to reach stuff. His passion for riding the human body is unrivaled in the depths of obsessive Youtube behavior. We're talking 114 gems at last count. He's been at this awhile but he's been so busy sitting on guys that we were only just now able to catch up with him. He was extremely happy to share, and even sent personal pictures from his collection with his recent signor from Sweden.
Here is what Iquitos, Peru, is all about: black lights and fluorescent clothes. That decree's straight from the mouth of local self-taught painter José "Ashuco" Araujo, who's mastered his naughty blend of erotic fantasies, Amazon psychedelia, and grocery store sign ephemera in the clubs out there.
Sometimes there are certain clubs you just can’t join. Even if you consider yourself to be the fun exception or an amusing anomaly, there is a bit of decorum one must respect in established circles of humans. It can be very frustrating at times, and you might feel a bit left out and lame, but love it, set it free, gaze from the standpoint of a besotted admirer, and gather some inspiration. This is how I feel about the Bear scene.
Back when Texas's acid-punk (Butthole Surfers, Crust, Ed Hall, Helios Creed) scene was in full swing, a lot of the musicians from those bands worked at the Texas School for the Blind and Visually Impaired between tours, including Teresa from the Butthole Surfers, aka that girl featured on the Slacker movie poster who tries to sell Madonna's pap smear in the film. And it was some of those very strange people who first discovered TJ Wade, a pre-teen blind prodigy who could instantly play anything he heard on keyboards.
Wesel is about as jerkwater as it gets. It’s not only one of the most boring towns in Germany, it also doesn’t seem to ever produce any news that is NOT related to sex. It seems like the people there care so little about anything that they don’t even give a damn about an ex-porn star becoming up for election "against her will..."
When I pulled off my girlfriend's underwear the other day she probably thought it had something to do with make-up sex, since I’d spent the whole evening with internet research instead of listening to her. She was absolutely right, but first I wanted to find out about her character. Martha Olschewski, the world’s foremost vagina reader, was gonna help me with that.
Holy fucking guacamole! This installment of Hey Ron! addresses a man who thinks he’s discovered that the lady he’s engaged to has sex on film for money. Ron sets our buddy straight and manages to teach us a thing or two about the ways of the heart in the process.
Do you see what happens when gays get rights? All those fat, ugly, angry, loud people carrying signs and that weird symbol of two sticks crossing at right angles with a dead guy hanging off it were totally right: homosexuals are all perverts who will fuck anything and should not be allowed to get married. Because then shit like this happens...
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