Who cares about the Olympics anyway? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometers a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been twatted with a pool ball in a sock for five hours? We're talking about San Francisco's annual Masturbate-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots. There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent masturbating" event. Fuck long distance running, this is a solid-gold endurance event. Holder of the title for the last two years is Masanobu Sato, a worker at Japanese sex toy manufacturer Tenga, who this year beat his previous record, coming in (ha) at NINE HOURS AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES. We got in touch with Masanobu to find out exactly how he lasted so long.