CANBERRA - PARLIAMENT HOUSE GETS A MASS EXORCISM

Very, very, very strange things were afoot in Australia's capital city this weekend. Allow us to set the scene... A few weeks ago, we saw photos of a blood stained pillar on the top of a hill overlooking Parliament House and heard associated rumours of satanic rituals and animal sacrifices being performed by members of what is apparently a large Wiccan population there. It turns out that national Christian organisation, Catch the Fire Ministries, heard about it also and took this as further evidence to support their belief that Satan is at work in and around our policy-determining hub. In order to combat this evil, they organised a mass "prayer offensive" at the site with the triple-barreled intention of 1. reversing any spells cast by the witches, 2. hopefully changing politicians minds about things they disagree with such as abortion and gay people and 3. sending out good vibes to ensure a bushfire-victim free summer. Really, what on earth could go wrong?

NEW YORK - A MIX FOR PEACE

As everyone knows, President Obama met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in New York today. On the table for discussion: the necessity for the immediate start of peace talks between Jon and Kate. Just kidding--Obama met with the leaders in the hopes that long-stalled peace negotiations between the two countries can be resumed. Obvs. To mark the occasion (and to promote their monthlong North American tour), our friends in everyone's favorite Israeli garage-rock band, Monotonix, (read an interview here, whydontcha) sent us a sweetly trippy mix of their favorite Israeli songs. 

LOS ANGELES - THE PROCESS OF THE PROCESS

Throughout the 40-minute ceremony at the Silent Movie Theater recreating a mass by the Process Church of the Final Judgment, people wearing dark robes (of course!) and carrying lit candles (no doubt!) spend time extolling the virtues of both Christ and Satan (“May the water give me life, Jesus Christ; Purify me with fire, Satan”) when they’re not singing Jefferson Airplane-like songs played by a four-piece band of hippies. 

RUSSIA - TEA PARTY WITH SERGIY, THE SOVIET TERROR PRIEST

Look at big fat Father Sergiy with his big rosy cheeks, bathing smugly in the Lord's all-encompasing glory as he thinks about another chocolate biscuit, or maybe about reciting a psalm. But just because he looks like a hill in a cassock, don't be fooled, as Sergiy is Moscow's first Holy Father of Fury, and not someone to fuck with. In his teenage years, before God found him, Sergiy Rybko led a grassroots anti-Soviet terror unit against the old communist government, before being steered toward a hippie sect that sent him traipsing across the desert, where he was nearly massacred by the Muslim gurus he'd come to visit.

LONDON - STEP BACK! IT'S A RAP ATTACK*

Why does everyone have to teach everything through rap? The only things I’ve ever learned from a lifetime of listening to rap came from "Ten Crack Commandments," and it wasn’t exactly a super positive lesson. So why does every well-meaning police psychologist/French teacher/social worker reckon the secret to life is a lesson in rap? They can’t all be as cool as that teacher in 10 Things I Hate About You, can they?

NEW YORK - THIS BOAT IS FOR DEITIES ONLY

My folks sent us to Unitarian churches, where everybody was encouraged to be themselves and believe whatevs and wear as much corduroy as possible. Buoy-ring! Everything was so reassured and healthy, you were basically gifted with Garfield stickers for experimenting with twigs up your butt. Masturbate, and you get a big understanding hug and a trip to Pizza Hut. But abstinence was clearly the way to go. Nearby in our hood, was a slowly burgeoning heaven of temptation called Praphadas Palace of Gold. This West Virginian Krsna community attracts the hottest devotees ever who are forbidden to fiddle with themselves. 

LONDON - DAVID SHAYLER, RELUCTANT MESSIAH (PART ONE)

This is David M. Shayler. The one not on the cross. Shayler used to run the Libya desk of Security Services. He was a spook back then. But his fortunes have since declined. These days he's just the son of God. The revelation that he was the Messiah, the Chosen One, J*h*v*h, was, he says, one that caused him to literally fall to his knees, overwhelming him with bliss that was “beyond any sexual or physical experience.” As you might imagine. In many ways he's a reluctant deity. “I never chose to be the Messiah,” he insists. “It's quite an embarrassing thing, actually. I kept asking myself, why me? But I can't ignore the signs...” 

ISTANBUL - THE ECONOMY'S FORTUNE TELLER

While the rest of us were grieving over our broken financial instruments last October, there was a man somewhere on the Asian side of Istanbul, or perhaps scooting around the Bosphorus in his yacht, who realized something awesome.

BRAZIL ISSUE EXTRA - MEGA EVENTS WITH GOD GOD GOD

In case today’s featured story (an all-Kern fashion shoot on the beach, you know what that means) titwashes your mind, erasing all memories of Brazil’s confederacy of the righteous and pious, here’s some follow-up with those consecrated children who heal on behalf of Jesus…
Alex Silva is one of the mini preachers we talked to in our Brazil Issue about his intimate connection to God. At first he was really fussy about sending us any pictures of him and his enlightening shows, but over time, he started sending us more and more stuff. Tons of stuff, actually. Pictures and invitations to his Jesus parties have been popping up in our inboxes ever since...

BRAZIL ISSUE EXTRA - PREACHING HIGH AND LOW

Oh, Brazil, and your funny God-loving ways. If it's not children charging hundreds of dollars to watch them sermonize from a butte, it's some guy on the sidewalk waving a sign like he's a bullfighter, just tempting you, you fleshbag of sins, to defeat him. But he will slay you with his miracles. So basically, if you have a table and a red towel you can make a church in Brazil. Anywhere. The proof is Cassiano Cândido, minister of the International Church of the Reign of God. He mounts his church in a plaza in downtown São Paulo three times a week. And then, he waits. He waits until someone shows up and put their name on a notepad. For everyone who puts their name on it, Cassiano gives blessings, free of charge.