SCANDINAVIA - COOKING BLOOD

You know that warm, bubbly, oozing red stuff that squirts out of the slit throat of an animal while it dies a slow and painful death? Swedes make soups, puddings, and pancakes with it, and it’s totally legit. Fair enough that the practice of eating blood is held over from the days of starving peasants having to use every part of their recently-slaughtered animal, but—and running the risk of sounding like a backwards-ass Christian—where I grew up in Sacramento, California, and in most other places, the act of eating blood is looked upon as a total sin. To quote the bible, Genesis 9:3: “Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything. But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it.” In other words: it is FUCKING GROSS to pig out on blood.

CANADA - NUTS IN YOUR DESSERT

Summer's around the corner again, and if there's one thing that comes straight to mind when we think of summer it's sweaty balls! That's true. And that's especially true if you work in a kitchen, because that shit can be torture. Something cooks do to combat ball 'n' ass chaffing is to powder their shit with Gold Bond or cornstarch. In fact, a friend of mine works in a restaurant where all the cooks share a bowl of cornstarch to dip their nuts in. Cute, right? I was curious if anyone's ever accidentally used the beanbag-soaked cornstarch in a dish, and guess what? Yep! Read on for a few tasty little kitchen morsels.

MELBOURNE - SCORCHER PART DEUX

Well, it seems to have cooled off now (thank Buddha), but Friday was still hot as a motherfuck. After an overnight low of 30, the mercury pretty much sat at 45 degrees the whole day. In Victoria, the effects of four consecutive 40+ days were brutal. Train tracks buckled. Water mains burst. People started bushfires and one asshole even threw a little kid off the West Gate Bridge.
Hellish, no? Well, if by hellish you mean hot enough to fry an egg on the baking hot boot of a car...

MELBOURNE - SCORCHER

When a sign at the local supermarket says it’s too hot to put cheese in the refrigerated display unit (you have to ask for it over the counter like you’re buying nangs) you know things are getting bad. If you live in Melbourne or Adelaide, we don’t need to tell you that you haven’t slept for days and are about to kill everyone you live with.

But, if you’re going to crack, why not crack in the name of science? We conducted the following experiment yesterday when the temperature had reached its maximum of 43 degrees (10fucking9 degrees F). As you can see, it may not have been worth it.

MELBOURNE - CIGARETTES NEVER TASTED SO GOOD

Those crazy kids over at one of Melbourne's newest denim labels, I HEARD THEY EAT CIGARETTES have got a couple of pairs of their new guys and girls jeans to give away. If you want to look good at 6am outside 3rd Class on Friday mornings while chewing your face off and wondering why the ATM is saying you only have six bucks left until a week Friday then take a photo of yourself feasting on a lung lolly and email it in to us here with your waist size. Runners up get emphysema... Good Luck!

IT IS NESTING SEASON - BAKE SOMETHING

This book called Lost Desserts by Gail Monaghan came in the mail. It's a cookbook of desserts like Baked Alaska, Sauternes Bavarian Cream, and Forum of the Twelve Caesar's Mad Nero Crepes. Vaux-le-Vicomte's Fane? We like this stuff. It reminds us of Christmas in the 80s, back when we wore dresses and crawled around on the floors of restaurants while our grandparents got soused and our parents tried not to embarrass them. Do you know what I mean? We made this Bavarian Cream. It was not hard to make. It tastes good, though berry bewy rich. The only hard part is unmolding it.