LONDON - I DON'T WANNA GROW UP

Today's dip into the Student Guide has Prancehall singing an ode to Chomp bars, processed chicken burger school dinners, playground fights, trying not to ejaculate on the dancefloor at the school disco, and cute girls with pigtails and long socks. I Don't Want To Grow Up is about how much you come to appreciate the halcyon days of school the very second you start university.

LONDON - KNIFE CRIME NUGGETS

Dear Dr P-Hall,
I don't know if you've heard but Boris is now looking to geeky Jewish youth movements to tackle the problem of knife crime. Imagine little Hampstead Garden Suburb kids going to inner city schools to talk to kids about putting away their knives. Should be interesting.
JESSICA

For more Knife Crime Nuggets go here.

LONDON - KNIFE CRIME NUGGETS

By now you'll probably have heard that cheap clobber megastore T.K. Maxx has been selling these (Swiss army) knives with hoodies attached. Or is the other way round? Yeah, I think it is: hoodies with those deadly (Swiss army) knives sewn into the lining. Either way, it's fucking disgraceful. I was so shocked I had to call up Boris Johnson's office to see if I could get the albino labrador lookalike to make some sense of it all. Unfortunately Boris had popped to the shop to get some Jaffa Cakes when I rang, but I managed to speak to his very helpful secretary, Melissa, who was more than willing to answer my questions.

LONDON - MERSEY INFANTICIDE

Here's one of the ugly YouTube videos mentioned in today's featured story about the violent lives of Liverpool's eleven-year-old gangbangers. It shows the Dovey Edz showing off their portfolio of weapons and scooters and shit. It's a bit like Russia's Red Square parades but with more pit bulls and tracky bottoms.

LONDON - THE BEST OF CHANNEL 4

Channel 4 has always been pretty hip and happening as far as TV in the UK goes. It's introduced me to life-changing cultural phenomena such as Late Night Hollyoaks, June Sarpong'™s gummy smile and deathly cackle, Dawson'€™s Creek, Zig and Zag, a boy who gave birth to his twin on Bodyshock, Eurotrash, the quite sweet little one from The Girlie Show who sometimes reads out numbered balls on The National Lottery, and Brookside. Many a Sunday morning of my youth was spent gazing at the never-ending cranium of Dawson wondering how he managed to part his curtains so perfectly. I can still remember those Friday nights I spent alone in my bedroom with a triple pack of Ribena imagining my head sandwiched between Lolo Ferrari'€™s oiled, gleaming atomic warheads, gasping for air. Carrying on in this rich tradition of cutting-edge TV, here are some programmes Channel 4 has recently given the world.

LONDON - IS NIKE ACTIVELY ENCOURAGING KNIFE CRIME?

You may have heard the news earlier this year that Nike's Air Stab footwear range has been withdrawn from shops in the UK because the media are obsessed with knife crime and anything which can be tenuously linked to knives is heinous and offensive. "Political correctness gone mad" etc. Well, hang on there a second, let's take a look at some more Nike products which may or may not encourage knife crime.

LONDON - CALLING BULLSHIT ON SCIENTIFIC STUDIES

A study by researchers at Université Laval has shown that doing even menial intellectual work makes you want to eat loads more, i.e. thinking makes you fat. The research team, supervised by Dr Angelo Tremblay, found that despite the low energy cost of mental work, subjects who had  to actively think ate a lot more than those who didn't. One group who had to read and summarise a text, and another who had to complete a series of memory, attention, and vigilance tests on a computer were found to have consumed 23.6% and 29.4% more food, respectively, than a group who just had to sit and chillax, when invited afterwards to eat as much as they liked from a buffet.

INDIA - COMIC PORN

An online comic strip which portrays the sexual exploits of housewife Savita Bhabhi has been proving very popular in India, where it is frowned upon for unmarried couples to even hold hands in public. The site, which has had 30,000 registered users since March, shows what Savita (who has enormous tits, btw) gets up to when her husband is away.

LONDON - HOODIES VS CRAZY PEOPLE

Hi everybody, in case you missed it, below we are publishing Prancehall's column from the UK edition of the Sundaes Issue in which he ponders the question: "Which upstanding and pleasant section of the community is better? Hoodies or crazy people?" Enjoy!

RAMSBOTTOM - SINGING ASBO

We've just heard about a story which reminded us of Alex Sturrock's ASBO piece we ran last year. 19-year-old X Factor reject Emma Chawner and her family have been kicked out of their house in Ramsbottom, Lancashire because the neighbours couldn't stand the (post-K-Fed) Britney Spears lookalike's tuneless all-night singing sessions anymore. It's like she's been given a singing ASBO. But worse.

After failing to get through on the show last year, Emma got singing lessons and practiced at home regularly in late-night karaoke sessions so she could wow the X Factor judges. But she still got turned down again on this year's show.

Anyway, her neighbours have had enough and want her to take her painful, slightly creepy crooning elsewhere before she gets into practice mode for X Factor in 2009.

Watch her original audition below.