NEW YORK - BEING AN INDIVIDUAL

Look, some guy who works somewhere that has a black filing cabinet and a really depressing snap-together gray workspace got a tattoo of that Shintaro Kago cover we ran on the 4-ACO-DMT Issue. That's pretty great, and it just goes to show you that even if you've resigned yourself to wearing that horrible modern bank teller blue button-down shirt and pleated black slacks as you plop down into your corner of misery to crunch numbers, submit reports, and snack on Funyuns from the vending machine (which always seems to be half-empty with Balance bars and Baked Lays, godfuckingdamnit) while mouth-breathing your own farts, you can still totally be your own person and express yourself.

NEW YORK - STILL 1,818 WEEKS AWAY FROM BEING BANISHED TO TILL THE LAND

Here we stand again, lonely runners of the aft, showing you the story chum we fed everyone else. Nice try, Yahoo News, circulating info on some guy in India who hasn’t washed in a really long time. If you’ll recall, Baby Balls was on that beat several months ago with his "Medieval Slimes" experiment, where he practiced grooming rituals invented before King Ivar the Boneless invaded Anglia. But we will sheepishly admit this article pointed out one antediluvian protocol we overlooked: that hopping on one leg while getting stoned is the same thing as taking a shower. Sorry, Baby Balls—that probably would’ve been more fun for all of us than having you stew in your own genital “tallow” for two weeks. (Thanks again for the mental image.)

UNIVERSAL SADNESS ISSUE LEFTOVERS - THE HARDEST LIFE WE KNOW

Today marked the close of the Universal Sadness Issue, and we’re leaving you with one last scorched nugget of heart-rending ruination. It’s the tale of one Patty Pirro. He’s an on-and-off homeless man who’s lived in the Greenpoint neighborhood of Brooklyn since birth. The guy oozes sorrow from every pore, and unlike a large portion of NYC’s homeless population, Patty is not mentally disturbed or unable to look for work. He’s just had a shitty go of it is all. We know that sounds a little naïve, but after hearing every last detail of his exponentially increasing downward spiral over the past two decades, there’s really no other way to put it. We’ve compressed his life story down to about 2,000 words, which is a little unfair. Still, it’s enough space to get into regular beatings from his father, a dead girlfriend, a stint at Rikers Island for attempted murder, a few bouts of homelessness, and more despondency than you will ever experience in your entire life. Keep reading if you want to put your own problems into perspective.

SRI LANKA - THE TAMIL TIGERS: MASTERS OF THE SEA, TOO

We’ve already enumerated tons of reasons why the Tamil Tigers are some of the scrappiest motherfucking guerillas around, but it looks as though we didn’t come close to plumbing the depth of their tenacity. Apparently they’ve been hard at work building torpedo-equipped submarines and underwater kamikaze vehicles in the middle of the jungle. What’s next, the Afghan National Army constructing a replica of the weed van from Up in Smoke?

NEW YORK - LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAY SOMEONE TO RAPE YOU

Remember when Tracie Egan wrote about how she paid a boy whore to swiftly whisk her sense of safety and proprietorship of her own vagina to a terrible, exciting land called Rapeyville? There's a new book of essays out that claims to contain the best sex writing you're gonna read all year, and though the cover makes it look really bad (what's with all those shitty bracelets?), since it contains Tracie's awesome story we won't argue.

DEAR VICE - EAVESDROPPING ON THE MARIJUANA PRODIGY

Dear Vice,
In October you had those interviews with people after they just finished having sex with each other. That was nice but that situation accidentally happened to me the other week when I heard my old roommate doing it to some sad girl. Though I would like to wish away the noises I heard, the conversation that followed is pretty good. I only heard his half of the conversation; I think the girl spoke only with shrugs and whispers. Here are the things he said:

NEW YORK - SWELLING MASSIVE FEELINGS

It's getting increasingly hard to tell if Dave Eggers is a too-clever ass someone ought to slap in the face with a fine leather glove or if he’s so smart we should sit down with the intent of having a civilized beer but end up so wasted we get busted for stealing Segways and finish our night eating cheese sandwiches in jail together. He's basically the Alan McGee of recent written things, minus the coke-induced crash-and-burn phase (yet). However, since he’s published My Massive Feelings (Fragments from the Diary of a Young Girl), Laurie Weeks’ story from our fiction issue last year, in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2008, he's in our good books for at least the next few days.

NEW YORK - SERIOUSLY, FTW

A lot of times when a major news outlet picks up a story we did months or years ago we get a big, smug chip on our shoulder about it, like "Ohhhh, wellllll, look who's finally come around. Yaawwwwwwnnnn [exagerated stretching] we were starting to wonder if you were even going to show up." Then there's the times where we're just like, "Oh good God, why couldn't that one have been bullshit."

KINSHASA - DICKWATCH

Yes, we all know, stories about penis thievery and ensuing mass hysteria in Africa are a dime a dozen. This one, however, caught our attention by virtue of its closing quote from Congolese phone-credit salesman and koro witness Alain Kalala: "It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny." That's what we call local color. Picture of Knoxville HC legends KoRo courtesy of google image search.

DEAR VICE - STILL ANGRY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Hey Vice!

YOUR WEBSITE IS FUCKIN SHIT! I find the funniest thing about you is that you're too scared to take open criticism. I noticed the lack of any comment or interactive features on your site. This is regarding your DJ article which I think is a load of bullshit. I would suggest opening up a comment box for that article and see how many people disagree with you. Better yet, find a new hobby because you and your employees obviously suck at making websites and covering the facts about topics.

Good day, and fuck you,
MARKOS POLYDOROU