NEW YORK - PERV MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

There are some things that just shouldn't be written. Such as erotic letters from college guys to teenagers. A friend of ours hung on to this "message in a bottle" (like literally, the dude put it in a bottle) for a long time and recently revisited it while digging through some old junk. It’s an expository love letter that details the author’s perverted fascination of watching the addressee undress through her bedroom window. Then he comes in and basically starts to rape her (except, in his mind, she wants it or something like that woman in Straw Dogs). We’re not going to get into exactly how fucking creepy this thing is, but suffice it to say she was unable to make it to the last page because reading “The soft, warm feeling of your breasts. They melt in my mouth, and so does your body” made her eyes burn like they had a UTI. Keep reading if you want to see just how bad it can get.

NOT FIT TO PRINT - THE JEALOUSY STORY

We got this story in from a model with dreamy eyes who "manscapes" every day before slathering himself in self-tanner and kissing his muscles poolside. He's really popular with the ladies, and can goose hot ass freely—and with nary a word of conversation, no less—since he's so in tune with the finer nuances of the female psyche. For instance, as he posits in a mind-expanding conjecture, "Women, when driven by rage or jealousy, are willing to do irrational things, willing to throw their standards and self-respect out the window to prove a greater point." Actually, we have no idea if that's actually what he's looks like--that's just what his personality projects, and that's us being nice. Probably he's a pasty horny dweeb with greasy hair, a patchy beard, glasses with lenses too thick for their frames—basically a comic book geek who thinks he's a writer, toiling the long nights by the glow of his computer screen in a dorm room. We're going to spare him his byline so as not to blow his cover as he stealthily navigates the world of getting trim. The first paragraph (or even sentence) kind of says it all, but we're also including the whole long-winded, appalling thing. Enjoy!

The opening party of the year is a Mardi Gras, and I show up with my pirate hat hitting on everything in sight. One girl who didn't find me obnoxious was this innocent-looking Quaker girl with braces. I proceed to talk to her for a long time (30 minutes) before telling her it was cold outside but not cold in my room. She told me she wasn't that type of girl blah blah and gave me her number instead. When I tell her I'll call her, she gets very happy. Naturally I don't call her, but I run in to her a week later...

NOT FIT TO PRINT - I AM DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES

Photographic genius Jamie Taete (the guy in the current issue who pukes on Hollywood stars and curator of one of the funniest, most sporadically updated photo blogs we know) put out a Craigslist ad asking for people to submit short stories he could make into photos. An Indian man named Anirban described his submission as "a story with a global appeal, humorous yet carrying a serious question with princess Diana as the main character. She dispels the myth that princesses are dumb and does something truly worthwhile that had the potential of changing our world, but she had to pay for it with her life." On our end it seemed like a mind-blastingly inane, racist fairy tale that calls bullshit on all Lady Diana Spencer's humanitarian work while simultaneously trying to rectify the horrors of the diamond industry, but that's for you to decide. Here are some highlights...
Photos by the maestro

NOT FIT TO PRINT - MY DRAGON

This edition of NFTP comes to us courtesy of a tattoo artist who's friends with one of our ad girls. The woman to whom the pictured foot belongs came into his shop a couple years back to get some touch-up work done on her talons (she was still saving up to color them in at that point—wouldn't you kill to see the palette she decided on?). After choking back an earthquake of laughter, our bud asked her why she'd gotten a fucking dragon's foot tattooed across her real foot at which point she requested a pen and sheet of paper. Here's what she wrote them: