LONDON - PIRATE PRINCE HARRY

Our friend Bob somehow ended up at a fancy dress party in Hampshire dressed as a chicken last weekend and came across some unexpected guests. Here's what he had to say on the matter.

"I went to this pretty posh party in Hampshire last weekend that I probably didn't deserve to be at given my poor breeding, poor social skills and actual poorness. Prince Harry was there with his girlfriend. He had the shittest pirate costume (shitter than my substandard chicken costume - I was the cheapest looking of three chickens at the party) and he really just looked like a slightly chubby toff. Any time he came into earshot I could hear him waffling on about rugby, and he seemed quite dense. His girlfriend, on the other hand, is way hotter in real life than in photos, but she looked totally dead behind the eyes. She kept shouting at Harry that she wanted to dance but he wasn't interested so she danced on her own. Will I get sued if I say she looked like maybe she'd been (possibly) doing coke? (Not that I am saying she ever would do such a thing.)"

LONDON - FUN LOVIN' IDIOTS

So the Fun Lovin' Criminals are playing a one-off "silent disco" at the the Royal Courts of Justice in London, where punters will listen to the music through wireless headphones. WHAT THE FUCK? What is the world coming to? Why are they hosting a wireless disco in the Law Courts? Hang on, why does a wireless disco even exist?

"Hi Adrian, what you up to this weekend? Fancy going to the silent disco? We can pick up loads of hot chicks apparently. Be a good chance for you to crack those white Havainas you've been saving all summer - they'd look so funky with that straw hat you were wearing a Tabitha's dinner party last weekend."

LONDON - POCARI SWEAT

I'm no guru on branding, but to me it seems like life's pretty tough for guys who make soft drinks. First off, everyone drinks Coca-Cola as the default choice anyway (or Irn Bru if you're in Scotland), so getting people to buy your sickly sweet, inferior little brand is going to be an uphill struggle. The two main vehicles to attract the eye of lay consumers like me are the colour and the name. That means these guys must sit around all day coming up with the brightest mixtures of colours and most enticing and "original" words to try to pocket my change.