THE INTERNET - FLICKR FILTH

I never knew Flickr was home to so many fucking perverts. I thought it was just for aspiring photographers and people who are ideologically opposed to Facebook but want to show off their social lives.  I found this chap because he left a filthy comment on a girl's photos. Being the inquisitive sort I followed the trail.

LONDON - MALLET'S MALLET

I saw this whiteboard at a houseparty in a house belonging to people I never met before on New Year's Eve. It must concern the traditional English word association game of Mallet's Mallet. Click on it to enlarge and read. But I'm sure you know that. What does Travis Bickle have to do with Ghandi? I'd have hit whoever said that on the head with my Mallet. It's a good game though, even the grime kid's are big on it. Click beneath to see.

LONDON - SENSIBLY DRESSED AND READY TO ROCK

"Get all warmed up, and ready to rock." I've had this little beaut burning a hole in my pocket for a few weeks now—you can get an Elvis fleece, mail order only, of course. Who had the gall to market a fucking fleece of Elvis' back? I may be mistaken, but I am sure I never saw photos of him wearing sensible outdoor wear in a range of mature colours.

LONDON - NEW DRUGS, THE ARMY DOES IT AGAIN

My housemate is a recording artist and she sometimes records in studios that other recording artists have been recording in immediately before her. Just recently she was putting the finishing touches to something or other at a studio where a popular "dance-rock" act had been doing the same thing and she noticed lots of scissors and bandages lying around the place. She asked someone what it was, and apparently the bandages are these new army issue morphine soaked things that get you totally high if you put them on, but then as soon as you take them off you stop being high immediately with no comedown.

LONDON - SEX TOY CONFUSION

Call me naive, but someone give me a hand with this one. Do you fuck your girlfriend with a melting chocolate imitation of your gnarled cock, eat the facsimile of your phallus and then have nothing to fuck with, or do you stick it in quickly then eat the soiled sweet? Really, who needs this sort of thing in their lives?

LONDON - DREAMING OF A BLACK XMAS

The heinously premature appearance of Christmas shit usually really pisses me off. But check out John Lewis with their Unholy Black Inverted Tree of Sodom. That is pretty thumbs down shit right there.
BRUCE LA VRAI

LONDON - T-SHIRT WIMP

Now, obviously I KNEW this would be a hard one to pull off, but I bought it anyway, because I love KMD and I think this logo is amazing. But it really pisses me off that I can only wear it at parties where I know everyone. I think I have put it on at least 20 times, and kept it on twice. Bollocks.
BRUCE LA VRAI

LONDON - CONCRETE & GLASS

I went to the Concrete & Glass music festival in Shoreditch last week. As well as Kid Harpoon, Lykke Li, Telepathe and TV On The Radio, we also saw these guys. There's probably a whole Superbad-style backstory to their night. Here's what happened during mine...

LONDON - BILLY'S BALLS

Chris Nieratko told us about this skateboarder he knows on the Toy Machine team called Billy Marks. According to Chris, he's an amazing skater, but has spent more of his time of late mastering ping pong ball tricks. It sounded ridiculous until I found the video in question. Yeah, I know it's old and your dad has probably seen it a zillion times, but it is AMAZING.

LONDON - RHYS IFANS IS A CUNT

I DJed with my buddy Ted at Push on Saturday night, which was cool because it was literally only us playing upstairs. None of the default human beings that go to that club liked our music so we played to no one, Ted drank all the free sauce he could (I'm on the wagon) and we split the cash at the end. It was great.

However, the actual interesting thing about the night is that Rhys Ifans' "band" was playing in the main room and it was the worst thing I ever heard. It was total shit, but also totally brilliant, in that it had every hallmark of a vanity project that anyone could possibly think of. Let's look at the facts: