What’s the most romantic thing you can think of? I think the most romantic thing I can think of is watching my girlfriend kill herself by eating the fried chicken equivalent of me. Luckily, while once my narcissistic feeding fantasies were pretty niche, now Britain’s favourite chain of Portuguese restaurants is catering for it. You see for Valentines Day, Nandos, in conjunction with fat girl’s magazine More, are giving away the chance for hungry young Valentine Princess to eat her boyfriend’s weight in chicken, for free! I entered this competition about 15 times so I’m pretty sure I’ve won. I can’t wait to see the look on my girlfriend’s toilet when she gets back with the annual diet of a Brixton homeless dude in her gut. It’s going to be a magical night.