IRELAND - THE CRAIC

I hate everything about "the craic", up to and including:

* Any person who has ever described themselves as "up for the craic."

* Any activity or undertaking that has ever been carried out "just for the craic."

* I even hate the way it's spelt. "The craic." God, that's annoying.

TINY THINGS I HATE - FALSE-START ACCENTS

I hate launching into an accent midway through an anecdote, remembering you're not very good at accents, then slowly abandoning it.
JON

 

LONDON - I HATE HANDJOBS

Now, I’m assuming I’m going to get a lot of people disagreeing with me on this one. But can I ask, will everyone who really, really loves giving hand-jobs please raise your hand. Okay, now put them down because you’re lying. Just a reminder, we’re talking about giving hand jobs here. Receiving them is fine. It’s the reciprocating part that I’m not fond of...

DENMARK - NAZI PLAYHOUSE UNCOVERED

Well, it looks like they've uncovered another Nazi treefort in the sand dunes of Denmark, fully furnished and available to move into on the first of the month! Wicker chairs, remote fireplace, rotating minibar, you name it-they had it! I knew Hitler's boys had taste! It's also comforting to know that Boyd Rice and Death In June fans will have brand new stroke material to help conjure up their hateful Nazi noodle sauce to feed their dying, invalid mothers just before crying themselves off to sleep.

AUSTRALIA - 69 WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD WHITE HOMEY WHILE SMOKING ILLY IN THE BACK OF A BLUE TRANS AM

Every now and then a film comes along that you just know is going to step everything we have ever seen on screen up to a new level. I was introduced to the trailer for 'Canzo Empyrean' by a Jedi knight of YouTube who discovered it hidden behind a fake GI JOE movie trailer and since then I have become slowly and dangerously obsessed with this ultra-violent, fantastical work of genius. The film has apparently been in the filming stages for over ten years (in some backdrops you can see the twin towers, and some they are gone) and is going to be released in 2009 with rumors of secret screening previews in abandoned buildings having already happened. I'd say 'Don't miss it!' but the sad fact is that with our sickening Australian censorship laws, 99 percent of us will, and the remaining 1 percent will end up watching a low-res pirate version alongside ten other people huddled around a laptop. But it would still be worth it... I can't begin to explain how fucking crazy this film is going to be. Check out the following links to some amazing marketing 'leaks' for trailers to see what I'm talking about.

LONDON - EVERY LAST BIT

What's with the way this guy has to get every last morsel from his stupid little trifle? And is it just me, or does the final 30 seconds of this video -- the bit with the fingers -- remind anyone else of a woman masturbating?
JON BROWN

LONDON - I HATE FESTIVALS

Oooh, festivals! What a great laugh they are, eh? I’ve been going to as many festivals as I possibly can for as long as I can remember. Not only do festivals have hundreds of totally amazing bands all in the same area, they’re also a great way of bonding with your fellow festival-goers and hanging out with them while queuing in line for 45 minutes to take a shit. Oh hang on, what am I talking about? Festivals aren’t great at all. In fact, I totally fucking hate them.

DRUGS - BANDS THAT ARE ONLY LISTENABLE WHEN HIGH

There are bands that can trick the fuck out you while you're faced. Yeah, yeah, the list is too long to mention but there are certain bands that are seriously ONLY tolerable while snorted or stoned to the bejesus-belt. I'm not talking about seminal drug-dork bands like The Stones or The Dead. That garbage is too obvious and a waste of time to talk about. I've met enough coked up pussies with Stones tattoos whose fathers hate them or 20-something office workers who swear the Dead had "some killer bootlegs" to choke a sperm whale. I'm talking about bands that you hear for the first time during a good bender and think are the musical equivalent to the taste of Siousxie's brown eye but when you go back and give them a go straight it sounds more like Dennis Rodman's. Dead Meadow are a great example. White nerds who can afford Orange amps sounds great when you're blazed and like a cheese grater to the dick when you're not. Basically, these are a few bands that only diluted dorks will say are good sober.

MELBOURNE - UNCLE SHARKEY VS. UNCLE SHARKEY

Proud American and member of Philadelphia band Clockcleaner, Uncle Sharkey, has relocated to Melbourne, Australia and started to write hatred for the Vice Empire. His Australian counterpart had a chance to sit down with him for a proper Aussie introduction and got his feelings on his recent move and the unfortunate cancellation of the Clockcleaner UK tour that was to begin in July. Surprisingly, the two seemed to get along swimmingly. Go Figure.

LONDON - PHOTOS OF GIRLS WITH THEIR FRIENDS

Fact: the heads of female friends, when a camera is introduced, attract each other like magnets. Hence the photography phenomenon that is "the Siamese Headshot," wherein two or more girls act as though their faces have been stapled together at the cheek...