NEW YORK - FOOD PARTY PARTY

The other night Monkeytown hosted a "live feed" of Food Party's premiere episode on IFC. A live feed of a food show, har. It’s the creation of Thu Tran, a small Vietnamese lady whose facial expressions often involve bearing all her teeth. Before the screening began I watched guests check in and quickly realized that nearly all of them were from IFC or Food Party itself. This meant that nearly the entire crowd erupted in applause every fucking time one of their own appeared on screen.

NEW YORK - CHECKING IN WITH MEXICO

One of our bloggers got swine flu, now there's swine flu at Vogue...sigh. It's the Kevin Bacon of viruses, get over it. But how's Mexico doing in New York? Our intern Siggy dropped by his local Mexican food joint and chatted with Dave, the son of the owner, about what the hell is going on down in his mother country. Dave talks about all the tacos and burritos on the menu as if they were beautiful ladies. He’s in love with the chicken chipotle burrito, but like most people he’s a cheating bastard and Siggy made him admit it.

NEW YORK - HEY GUY, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TOTAL COMPLETE SLOB?

I sat down with my buddy Nick, who lives upstairs in my house, and asked him why he's such an appalling slob. He is pretty much full of shit because I doubt he takes anything out in three days like he says in the following interview, and I promise you Febreze doesn't cover up the smell of garbage. His room usually kind of smells but he does keep it in his room, so I guess I can't complain that much...

LONDON - YOU WILL READ THIS FORTUNE AND LOVE IT

My local Chinese, Wu, still has standards. In the face of worldwide apathy, it still believes in maintaining the magic of eating warm noodles in front of the telly. Magic that can only be achieved with a complementary helping of fortune cookies with each delivery. "So what?" I hear you say, "Fortune cookies are just baby snacks repackaged for retarded Westerners who think they're getting a tip from their soothsaying Asian friends." Obviously you don't believe in magic. Here's the wisdom they've been offering lately.

NEW YORK - ANA'S WATCHING

Eating disorders are no joke, but dating someone who has one can be fucking hilarious. My ex was tall and beautiful, and I could swear I saw her eat all the time. But according to friends and family, I’m not much of a listener—if a girl I just met said, “Hey, I think you should know that I have a serious eating disorder and I don’t want help,” chances are I didn’t pay attention to any of that. So since I’m used to ignoring the obvious I thought this lady must be that first ex-wife I’ve been waiting around for. I even introduced her to my parents. Then things started to slip.

NEW YORK - MAJOR DEATH ISSUES AND CHERRIES

Two summers ago I attended a month-long publishing program in Denver, Colorado. I went thinking I’d learn some valuable publishing tools, see some mountains, and acclimatize myself to higher altitudes. It turned out to be the most uncomfortable month of my life. But I can’t blame Denver, even if it is really boring and weirdly clean, because I’m a cheapo who refused to pay $1,000 to live in a shitty, badly lit dorm room with a complete stranger. Instead, I opted to live with an old lady who had major death issues.

BERLIN - EAT THE APOCALYPSE

Interns can get real mouthy. In our Berlin office, they stuffed one with locusts...
Ever since I moved to Berlin I’m preoccupied with nutrition questions. It seems like all I ever get to see are these girls wearing oversize men’s shirts, legs resembling forearms in black leggings poking out from underneath. At first I thought anorexia spreads like an airborne infection in this district and I was praying for one of them to cough some of these germs my way. That didn’t work though. Then I started believing that they simply refused to eat because they were freaked out about getting food caught in their bangs. Finally I realized that half of our editorial staff never seems to eat either. All they do is smoke and photosynthesize.

CANADA - NUTS IN YOUR DESSERT

Summer's around the corner again, and if there's one thing that comes straight to mind when we think of summer it's sweaty balls! That's true. And that's especially true if you work in a kitchen, because that shit can be torture. Something cooks do to combat ball 'n' ass chaffing is to powder their shit with Gold Bond or cornstarch. In fact, a friend of mine works in a restaurant where all the cooks share a bowl of cornstarch to dip their nuts in. Cute, right? I was curious if anyone's ever accidentally used the beanbag-soaked cornstarch in a dish, and guess what? Yep! Read on for a few tasty little kitchen morsels.

NEW YORK - THIS IS REVOLTING

Sigh. Who cares if there's a bacon-flavored lube? Ha ha ha, genitals, the most delicious meat of a human, tasting like bacon, the most delicious meat of a pig. Ho ho...no. What's truly alarming and disgusting is that these people are standing around a filthy warehouse that clearly deals in imports and exports fastidiously licking their fucking fingers. See when that one guy with a stripper pussy hairstyle on his chin grabs his BlackBerry to photograph and text all his friends about it, and everyone gets reverently silent as if he's documenting an important moment in history? Though actually, he might be. It's called The Day I Caught Hanta Virus Because I Sucked My Fingers In an Industrial Barn.

NEW YORK - NEBRASKA'S COMING TO TOWN

When you think of Nebraska do you immediately think of culinary superiority? Forget the beef. Now try again. No, you don't. But we native Nebraskans are a proud people and will cheer endlessly in the face of mediocrity (especially when it comes to college football) and will celebrate anything to do with our heritage, even fast food. Ever hear of a Runza? Originally called a bierock, It's essentially a ground beef and steamed cabbage bun. German in heritage, it is and has been the fast food sensation of Nebraska for decades. Relocated Cornhuskers get teary-eyed when reminiscing about them and for me, they are a required meal whenever I visit my parents.