GERMANY - HOW MANY BABIES DOES BERLIN NOT WANT?

The crisis, the fucking crisis, over and over. Now it’s come to the point where they had to close down a dog hatch (basically a McDrive, except that it’s the other way around and the critters are still alive) they just opened in Dallgow-Doberitz because the animal benefactors couldn’t accommodate the masses of dogs people wanted to get rid of. But what about children? I mean the human kind. Who cares about them? 

NEW ZEALAND - WHAT WE LEARNED FROM OPOSSUM WORLD

You pass a lot of creepy tourist attractions driving between New Zealand cities. You see depressing hedge mazes, places called “Make Your Own Knives Here,” a million things made of corrugated iron, and many pits of boiling sulfurous mud. Most of them you let go by like seafood extender on a sushi train, but sometimes a quirky name, a funny sign, and cute subject matter makes a place so curious that it’s almost impossible to drive by. Welcome to Opossum World. Population: about a thousand dead possums.

NEW YORK - WOOF! LET'S PARTY

Sometimes there are certain clubs you just can’t join. Even if you consider yourself to be the fun exception or an amusing anomaly, there is a bit of decorum one must respect in established circles of humans. It can be very frustrating at times, and you might feel a bit left out and lame, but love it, set it free, gaze from the standpoint of a besotted admirer, and gather some inspiration. This is how I feel about the Bear scene.

TAKE THIS BLOG TO WORK - COOTIE COMBER

You know all those illnesses your parents and teachers freaked you out about when you were younger? Like if you ever caught tuberculosis or mono you’d probably die, so just shut up, do your homework, and don’t kiss anyone. Look at you now. You’re still alive, right? Yeah you are, because all these things really weren’t that big of a deal. Like lice… who cares? It’s just some bugs hanging out on your head, making it itchy. It’s fun to itch stuff! Picking at shit rules! Did you know people actually get paid to pick lice off kids’ dirty little scalps? Yes, that is a job, and it is not called "school nurse." We talked to a lice picker and now we are scratching our heads, but not out of confusion.

NEW YORK - MARTHA'S VINEYARD SHARK TOURNAMENT

Last Saturday I was sprayed with shark blood in the name of sportsmanship and science. And money, too. The 23rd annual Martha's Vineyard Shark Tournament brought in 130 boats at $1,500 a piece from all over the east coast. Friday and Saturday they scooted 15 miles off shore to hook the monsters in hopes of attaining alluring prizes like another boat or cash. For the scientists that collect information and the shark's organs and 'nads, the tournament is a field day of data. Only two boats sunk on Friday due to the ten-foot seas, but Saturday was calmer and I documented the glory on shore in sunny Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts. 

BERLIN - WHAT HAPPENED IN THE GROTTO?

Mariel Manuel is studying at the best fashion academy in Europe and the Universe, The Royal Fashion Academy of Antwerp. I went to see the show a while ago, which, by the way, is apparently the longest fashion show in the world--four hours of talent in your face. And now, a month later, I'm still dreaming of Mariel's little creatures. They looked like this:

BERLIN - EXPERIMENTS IN DEPRESSION

My South Korean buddy, who I'm going to just call D., studied neuroscience in Germany, but because no one (assuming you don’t want to end up in jail or be forced to avoid your home country forever) can escape the mandatory two-year army service in South Korea, he’s currently doing research with tiny white mice on behalf of the Korean Army. Like all other male Koreans, he had to endure the hardcore basic training in which one is allowed to eat, take a piss, or go for any other human need only when the supervisor feels like allowing it, but now he’s occupied with the torture of cute little rodents.

NETHERLANDS - YOU ARE ONE SICK MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER

When we talked to Dutch artist Tinkebell a couple years ago about her “Save the Males” campaign, a project that involved throwing baby chicks through a woodchipper at a flea market, that piece garnered a lot of angry comments by anonymous blog commenters. So imagine the shitstorm of hate mail she received when she made a handbag out of her cat and posted a how-to manual about it online. After that flood of hate mail, she teamed with Coralie Vogelaar and looked up as much personal information about those people they could possibly find. Together they made a book out of it. A lot of people who thought they sent anonymous hate mails lost their anonymity that day…

AUSTRALIA - TASMANIA BEATS WORLD AT OPIUM, WALLABIES GET THE SPOILS

There’s been a fair bit in the news about vast poppy fields in Afghanistan, but if you think most of the world’s opiates come from the Middle East you’re around 10,000kms off the mark. An interesting fact tailor-made for dinner party conversation is that over half of all pharmaceutical-grade alkaloids are derived from crops grown in Tasmania. How do we know this? Because stoned wallabies have started making crop circles.

MILAN - FLYING CATS!

Here’s a foolish idea for a fashion shoot: a metaphorical battle between good and evil as represented by a fight between flying cats! The red cat is bad. The gray cat is good. The gray cat wins, but don’t let that spoiler enjoy your viewing experience.