THINGS I HATE - TALL BIKES

If society didn't employ things like "laws" and "prison sentences," I wouldn't have to resist the urge to run out into the street and push over those dirty shits who zoom around on their certifiably moronic tall bikes. I'd set it up like a video game: 500 points for a straight push, 1,000 for a lead pipe thrown between the spokes, 1,500 for a well-placed spike strip, and a 1-UP for shooting the rider in the face with a potato gun.

Attention, tall-bike riders: You're not PT Barnum, and you're probably not a historical reenactor who has to light gas street lamps. If your reason for pursuing this hobby is that you just love being zany, please restrict your activities to places like the county fair and Camden Market. The only reasonable explanation for people spending this much time on something so ugly is that they yearn for attention like a two-year-old who smears the contents of his diaper all over the coffee table because Mommy just brought a newborn home from the hospital. If I didn't see the sort of atrocious individual who rides these contraptions with my own eyes on a frequent basis, I would assume that the sort of activity that involves adults welding bike frames together and riding them around town was confined to the world of "things advertising agency employees do on their lunch breaks."

I do not drive, but if I did I would be so incredibly annoyed by these people. And if I came upon a deserted road with a pack of tall-bikers slogging their way toward me, I would not hesitate to gently nudge them with my car just to disprove their claims that, because of increased visibility, riding a tall bike is safer than a regular one. That's like saying you're more likely to meet new friends if you pass out $10 at the bus stop. Surely you will, but you're going to attract scumbags who will probably rob you for the rest of your cash, not soulmates. And in both instances you come off looking like a stupid, attention-hungry fuckstick.

Bike "clubs" like Rat Patrol and SCUL are essentially semi-organized mobs of (from my personal experience) perverse and aggressive individuals who typically adhere to broad and ill-defined ideologies that usually amount to "fuck the system," "don't pay for things," "cars are bad," and "anarchy's cool." In reality, most of these people have the maturity level of a rebellious 14-year-old whose job experience consists of the pizza-delivery industry and fixing people's bikes for spare change. They are just an amoeba's dick above crust-punks on my People Who Should Hold Their Breath Forever scale.  

In theory I have nothing against people who want to sit in their garage or basement and weld together bike parts so they can roll around town seven feet above everyone else like some sort of human effigy who's just waiting to get torched. That's your business. In practice, however, it is so annoying that it makes me want to walk around with a blowtorch so I can slice through the tubes of every tall bike I see leaning up against a fence or a stoop. I would cut it with a precise delicacy so that the rider couldn't see the fissure at first glance. And then they would mount their retarded, mutant steed, cruise a few feet, and crack their mongoloid heads on the hard pavement while a pair of tires runs over the rest. I would be hiding around the corner and run out when it all went down to scream: "HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE DIFFERENT NOW, LOSER? HOPE YOU ENJOY HAVING BRAIN DAMAGE." It would be delightful.

EGGERT MALSTEIN

Comments

[Matt]

AHahhahah Oh my fucking god this is amazing.

[Danana Hammuck]

Yeah but have you ever seen them joust, Eggy? It's better than any night at The Levee, ever.

[the youth]

@Danana Hammuck: GAY

[Mantauk]

Poor bastards were brain damaged from birth...

[anonymous]

tall bikes are gay

[dameon]

i know someone that got hit by a car while dirivng this tall back thing... they got seriously fucked up from it too

[wowzah]

I'm surprised the bikes don't just slip inside the rider's gigantic assholes. OOPSIEEEEEE

[seriously dudes]

Yeah fuck all of you. People aren't allowed to have a hobby? Get a life and stop picking on other people. You will be sorry. The silly bike gangs you talk about are here, and queer, SO GET USED TO IT!!!!!!!!!!

[tall biker]

Yeah guys better get used to schmuckfarts like us clogging up your road with our creations that allow us to give an excuse for our miserable lives. GO JOE!

[Jennnn]

ugh. gutterpunks.

[Zep Hammer]

Bitter much Haters?

Tall Bikes Rule!

[Wong]

A hobby that obviously looks to get people killed in traffic...noooo.

[AudienceOfOne]

Lovely. Darwin was right all along.

[JaRouge]

I saw some stupid hipster chick take a complete faceplant off a tall bike on bedford ave about a month ago. Everyone watching got very concerned and rushed over to help. I just laughed. Laughed very very very hard as she tried to get back on her shame-cycle

[ducksauceextreme]

youre just an asshole. there are a good number of these in the french quarter in new orleans. people are just trying to have a good time. dont be such a dick.
i did see one being used for pizza delivery in NOLA so i guess youre right about that comment but what the fuck is wrong with that?

[bradey]

uo sell tall can coozies adorn with cartoon tall bikes.

original. riiiiight.

[poopsmear]

how did this get into vice? did this same guy also write an article about how much he hates skinny jeans and music and whatever else the young people are into nowadays?

[Fitz]

The Black Label Bike Club in Brooklyn probably fucked his girlfriend. It was nothing personal, you just lost your turn.

[jermajesty]

I enjoy bikes as much as every mustachioed lesbian, but fuck man... the last thing I want to do is have the image of a gutter punk being run over after falling off his dorkcycle running through my nightmares.

[poy]

you should probably chill out

[AH]

wat

[ribbons]

nice use of google images.

also, tall bikes are fly. if you can't hang with the in crowd, don't bother hating because it will do nothing for your cause.

[beep]

i have a lot of friends in rat patrol
they smell bad

[Savannah]

better riding/building tall bikes than taking the time to complain. This article has the maturity of an aggressive 14 year old.

[dsgrfdgfdghrgfdgfdg]

fisting assholes, all day, double fisting.
your mom./