IT HAPPENED - ROOTING IN BUNK BEDS

There are moments in life when you know you’re making a bad decision but you do it anyway. Take the other night, for example. Completely aware of the inevitable regret that would follow, I fucked a 6ft 3 guy in a bunk bed. Don’t get me wrong; bunk beds are great for building forts and kicking your brother between the slats while he’s trying to sleep, but when you’re 22, they’re pretty much up there on the turnoffs list with AIDS and leprosy.

Just so you know, I’m not one of those weird adult babies you see on the internet. When I arrived in Toronto, I took the first clean room I found that was downtown and within budget. The room happened to come with bunk beds. Not ideal, but whatever. I just swore to myself I’d never bring anyone back home and nobody would ever know. This is all very well until the guy you want to sex lives on the other side of town and it’s 3am and you’re both drunk and horny. This is how it went down.

After stumbling through the door, the lights went off, the nakedness began. Both of us smacked our heads at the same time while climbing into the bed. This was the most romantic part of the whole ordeal. First time sex is awkward enough without a being cramped into a wooden pen, so needless to say; Worst. Sex. Ever.

To start with, the foreplay was non-existent. I don’t know if this was because of the bunk beds or whether he was just a bad lay. But for the sake of the story, his brief attempt at going down on me rendered him in a hunched squatting position due to the wall at the back of the bed. This was super unattractive and I think he noticed the look of disgust on my face which may have put him off. I didn’t bother with anything fancy aka giving head, I figured if he was going to be selfish then I could be too. Also by this stage I was already over it, but it was too late to turn back.

So the intercourse began with a rough start (excuse the pun) and he seemed to keep grabbing onto the wall alongside the bed for support. I figured this was to keep him from smacking his head against the wall at the head of the bed, but his arm must have gotten tired and once he let it down the bunk beds literally moved with us as we fucked. The creaking of the wood was so bad I was pretty sure the bunk beds were going to collapse. It also wasn’t ideal as my landlord’s room is on the other side of the wall, and I could hear the Chinese soap opera playing on his laptop. So I’m pretty sure he could hear us. After considering the thought of my landlord getting off on listening or potential death by bunk bed I suggested we try a different position. I really just wanted him to hurry up and come so we could get the whole thing over with.

With this in mind I climbed out of the bunk bed and pushed him behind me. Grabbing hold of the top bunk frame, I realised what a bad idea it was to try have standing doggy style sex with a guy who’s almost twice your height. For it to work mechanically (let alone enjoyably) I had to be on tip-toes. I said “OW” out loud more than once during the first 30 seconds. This was a pretty good indicator that it wasn’t working so we stopped and crawled back into the bunk bed, naked and defeated. The dude wanted to keep going even though I was clearly passed it, so condemned to wall grabbing missionary position we fucked for a few minutes longer until he finally came in silence.

Relieved, I waited the customary 10 seconds before pushing him off me. He sat up, cleaned himself up, and then lay down again. I waited for him to get up and make some joke about actually sleeping in the bunk bed and then leave. But 10 minutes later he started snoring and I realised that wasn’t going to be happen. I spent the rest of the night jammed against the ladder staring up at my paisley print view judging myself.

Surprisingly (other than my bruised dignity) no injuries were sustained. The best thing about the whole situation is it inspired a story where I got to use the word root. I haven’t seen the guy since he left the next morning, and I can safely say he’ll be the only notch on my bunk-bed post.

VERONICA SAWYER
DRAWING BY BEN THOMSON

Comments

[munner]

that sucks

[genius]

next time take the mattress off the bed & lay it on the floor.

[General Bacon Pony]

hipsters have shitty sex lives

[Adam]

haha..i've had a bad day and your story gave me a smile..thanks..

[Adam]

oh..and kinda turned me on...

[Jock]

You're a silly drunken slut, congratulations! Next...

[Jennnn]

eek.

[Johnny]

Eww..

[john]

'hipsters have shitty sex lives

Posted by: General Bacon Pony | 17/09/2009 at 08:24 ' - brilliant

I cant believe you post this shit and im dumb enough to sit here and read this crap. Hipsters are boring. vice schmice

[Mia]

This is a funny! Def painted a story in my head - put a smile on my dial for sure. Ignoring all negative previous comments - i think these people just have boring sex lives

[Bearchild]

you cant blame the man for wanting to finish the job. it keeps us awake, stopping mid-root. but fuck that sounded NAYSTY. i would probably have just gone and beat off in the bathroom sink and then snuck out the window.

[Douglas]

Good story, but totally agree about mattress on the ground idea. Common sense people.

[not my real email]

nice

[Roots Natty]

Fuck the mattress, My knees would have been rubbed raw on the floor. But I sure would have made it good for you. After all I can't allow my reputation to be sullied by having some chick think that I was the "worst sex ever". LOL!

[Bunk Bed Bedroom Furniture]

Nice Site, enjoy reading it. Common sense is not very common these days anyway.

[uzintin]

WTF. U were both bloody drunk and u were expecting the best of sex from him? No foreplay? Look of disgust on ur face? Hey maybe he even felt u were a lousy lay for all u know. Next time u want the best of sex try and be sober with ur partner. It helps for good sex. Girl u were drunk.

[valdo gonsalves]

Estou concordando plenamente tenis oakley e tambem este tenis nike com tudo.

[Jess]

LOL!! I was being sarcastic, I don't plan my life that far ahead of time, and I never make lists, in actliuaty, when an idea hits me I drop everthing and get it done (which is not always the practical thing to do) because I know tomorrow I'll be distracted by a different idea. I really don't need to make resolutions, I don't spend much time debating wheteher I should do something or not, if I feel passionate enough about something, it WILL get done, whatever the cost. There's nothing for me to quit because I'm not addicted to anything, whenever I notice in myself a pattern of behavior (good or bad) taking shape I stop abruptly and change course on the fly, not because I have a strong will but because I have a very short attention span. I have always felt that having a particular fetish and being addicted to any one drug or thing or whatever, is for the masses, of course, things are not that black & white and people have justifications and reasons for everything but I believe an artist should not be bound by addiction, it's too restrictive and boring, ultimately it all depends on the individual mindset but personally, I'd rather be free to explore and express everything, my life and my behavior are not much different than my artwork, the only exception being the commitment I have for my kids.I didn't say "have more sex with other people", you can always have sex with yourself, where's the harm in that? (besides hairy palms) I've been married to the same woman for 23 years and I have 2 kids, so I'm positive it will never happen, to have sex with strangers doesn't appeal to me in the least, I have to care for the person I'm with, otherwise it doesn't do anything for me, I tried going to a prostitute once when I was younger, that was a disaster. Sexual frustration is a very important part of my life, it fuels my anger and drive, is the engine that makes everything artistic possible, all that truncated passion and energy gets put to a good use: ART. Don't feel bad for me, I like it that way :)

[Bob]

I don't know about New Year resolutions, but I do know that a new year gives a new ciemaontnnt field. Past failings are relegated to 'last year', while 'this year' offers promise and hope. (Well, until we bugger everything up again!!)Inspired by your monigotes, this year I hope to sketch something every day. (The 3 Jan piece, with the additional scribblings, is very cool!)And since this is my first entry, can I tell you how much I dig your style. When I first saw it in Draw! magazine (the Illustrator tutorial issue) I freaked: it's bawdy, but so beautiful and measured. Muy bonita!Do you still have sketchbooks for sale? And do you ship Internationally? (I live in Australia.) I'd be interested in purchasing one. (Not an Australia, a sketchbook!)Well, all the best for '06!Oh, and you're right about the sex and marriage business...But there's always the flip side. At least we get some. *And* it comes without regrets, or the need for paper bags! :)

[Victor]

The second time I ever had sex (with the man who is now my hubnasd, but was my boyfriend at the time), he slipped out, but not all the way out. For a while afterwards, we couldn't even have sex at all, as the pain of him even attempting to put his penis inside me was just too much. I found that putting a pillow under my lower back and butt and using some lube until my body was used to sex solved the problem. Occasionally I do still have some pain during sex, but that's mostly from my lack of physical abilities.