NEW YORK - INTRODUCING THE CREEPY CAM

When Vice told me that some fancy spy store sent them a new tiny hidden camera that screwed into a shirt button and they (the magazine, not the store) wanted me to use it to spy on people, I gave them an unflinching yes. I think I was imagining I was about to get involved in some James Bond-type shit. But then I found out that I was just supposed to go to the park and talk to people and invade their space. I wasn't disappointed though--I'm a lot better at being creepy than I am at espionage.

I walked to McCarren Park in Brooklyn and looked for my first target. I started to approach a young woman in a business suit, but five feet from the bench I got nervous and walked away. Talking to strangers is hard. I decided I should pick an easier mark, someone without the ability to make me feel like an incompetent perv.



I sat down next to an old Russian man with a cane. I asked him how his day was, what he was up to, etc. Then I offered him some of my lemonade, but for some reason he thought I was asking him for money, so he pulled a bunch of coins out of his pocket. I told him that no, I was not begging, only offering some of my delicious, mouth-puckering nectar. He declined, told me he had to go, and then hobbled away on his cane. I felt like a total dick.



Still, my confidence was up. I could do this. I went up to a girl who looked to be about my age. She was reading Steppenwolf. I asked if it was a biography of the band who sings "Born to be Wild." What was weird was that she started asking me questions about myself. I think she thought I was trying to hit on her and was just really, really bad at it. It made me uncomfortable having a stranger ask me questions about my life. I thought I was supposed to be the one invading her space. I was super glad when she told me she’d better get back to reading, and I walked away as she was saying it was nice to meet me. I wasn't trying to be rude; I just really wanted to leave.



Last I headed down to the subway and approached some guy wearing a “funny” t-shirt that said something about bacon who was waiting for the G. He had his headphones on and pretended not to hear me when I asked him what he was reading. It was some kind of allegorical Christian science-fiction book. I tapped him and asked again. He told me, but he seemed really weirded out and kind of scared. Maybe he thought I was going to push him onto the tracks or something. Just as I was about to ask if I could listen to his iPod with him, the train came and he split.

What I learned from all this spying is something everyone knows: People are really uncomfortable with strangers talking to them. I got the feeling that they were even more confused by the fact that I wasn’t trying to extort or hit on them, just trying to hang out with them. People expect crazies and sex fiends, but no one knows what to do with someone who doesn't understand the basic rule that says people want to be left the hell alone.

HANSON O'HAVER

Extra-super-duper-special thanks to SpyGear4U.com for letting us use the camera. Go there for all sorts of other spy stuff that you can use to annoy people and catch them doing horrible things without their knowledge. We're going to be doing more of these Creepy Cam features for the blog, so leave your ideas (it has to happen in a public place) in the comments. And, yes, we know the angle is off. After this trial run we rigged up a bracket system for the button cam. Our next installment will be much clearer. 

Comments

[komodo]

surprisingly good picture quality.

[A]

thats the funniest thing i have ever seen, so awkward ahhh!

[Jono]

The conversation with the girl in the park is pretty funny. you gotta get a better handle with the camera view though.

[tallywacker]

i would be creeped the fuck out if some stranger at the park offered me lemonade.

[comic book guy]

dude was waiting for the g, not the l. gonna be a shit spy with a memory like that.

[@comic book guy]

and he should have had plenty of time waiting on the g.

[Clayton.]

This is a really shitty justification for the product plug. Shame on you, Vice. The internet made you suck.

[captain cheesepuff]

pretty sneaky. i'd like to see it implemented on button fly jeans.

[MF]

I say have him hang out at Chuck E. Cheese and see how long it takes for him to get kicked out or beat up by a dad.

[Vice]

Oops, thanks for pointing out the train correction.

[the sequel]

you want some lemonade before you go? ;]]]]]]]
sounds fucking retarded

[clayton sucks]

@Clayton. You really think this is an attempt to fulfill some kind of big money sell out deal with a spy gear website? Maybe next they will partner with Magic Bullet and we can all finally figure out if that shit really does make salsa in 1-2-3 seconds. IDIOT.

[anon]

ditto on clayton sucks. what a fucking knobend.

[Bennington]

Good sound and p-quality. The creepy cam would be great at weird family reunions.

[just saying]

if you had buttons on your shoes you could do the tom hanks as a kid in splash thing in video.

[Billy Billson Billinski]

bathrooms at shows/clubs!!!!

[fantastic]

nice nasal cavity....
I think that could be a show on it's own

[nice]

This was so awkward and great! Shame that everyone expects strangers have an ulterior motive. I think it may be more of a regional thing, though. There are some places you can go do this and people will totally engage in the conversation.

[buzzguy]

you should do a hipster pick-up artist series

[rc]

...you like books?

[Halcyon]

take it to the rave and film all the slutty girls in skimpy outfit

[emca]

you know when you brought this story back and saw how much it sucked you shouldn't have posted it. I don't wanna look up a dudes nose... nose I don't.

[root tuber]

@emca: fuck your face.