Are we friends? I like to think so. And it is because we are friends I must come clean. I have been perpetrating a lie for the past nine months.
We learned that we were pregnant on Christmas morning and we learned he was a boy on 4/20, Hitler’s Birthday; this much is true. But his due date was not 9/11. It was 9/5, but for comedic effect (and the disdain of my wife) I have been lying and saying his due date was 9/11. I don’t know if it was really a lie because from the beginning I felt it to be true. I felt if there was a comedy god he would have to see humor in the aligning of these three dates to create the next SUPER BABY.
And so I held true to my belief and like the bar of butter in the shape of the Virgin Mary that cries tears of blood, my belief paid off.
On Friday September 11th, 2009 at 8:44 PM, while Derek Jeter was busy breaking Lou Gehrig’s hit record, Christopher James Nieratko II was born 7 pounds, 7 ounces in New Brunswick, NJ. And I believe I cried far more than he did.
My brain is still not right. My wife and I haven’t slept much in days so I won’t get into details other than the fact that my amazing wife’s insane gym and kickboxing regimen right up until the day he was born allowed her to push him out in less than 10 minutes flat. I kid you not. I have the video to prove it. And so it is that all the thanks for this future great leader (or nutjob bent on world domination) is all thanks to her.
Thanks, lady. You’re the best.
CHRIS NIERATKO
CONGRATS, GUYS!
Posted by: The Host | 17/09/2009 at 18:49
Wait, you mean he was born normally? He didn't cut his way out of your wife's chest with a dagger made from the bones of a virgin or descend from the sky upon a winged horse of flame?
Posted by: Zach | 17/09/2009 at 18:56
Where is Lonnie?
Posted by: Biff | 17/09/2009 at 18:56
of course he was born on 9/11
Posted by: luckyduck | 17/09/2009 at 19:02
i guess it's kind of cool to have a birthday on a day when normally people are bummed out. or is it?
Posted by: lisa | 17/09/2009 at 19:07
ten minutes? thats quick.
Posted by: damn | 17/09/2009 at 19:07
man, bday parties on 9/11. thatd probably be awkward .
Posted by: birfday | 17/09/2009 at 19:08
Congrats. The kid shares his birthday with Ludacris and Brian de Palma!
Posted by: Tissue | 17/09/2009 at 19:11
at least it will be an easy date for others to remember
Posted by: bondage | 17/09/2009 at 19:39
Congrats Nieratkos! I too was born at 8:44 pm (only it was on the 13th and 26 years ago) and I tell you, it is a grand time to be born. May your baby be an Indigo Baby.
Posted by: Vagina Sangrante | 17/09/2009 at 20:11
congrats! I cant wait to hear the adventures of Skinema Baby! You should have him review porn with you!
Posted by: King Dave | 17/09/2009 at 20:37
Congratulations, it is already obvious that he has what it takes.
Posted by: anon | 17/09/2009 at 21:22
Cuntgratis Pi$$!
Posted by: Weegrowtaco | 17/09/2009 at 21:48
I can't believe your wife didn't hang on till after midnight, just to piss you off Chris.
Congratulations to all three of you.
Posted by: Dietz | 17/09/2009 at 22:19
...the dog is so cute! haha.. and, well.. the baby, too, i guess.
Posted by: yer mum | 17/09/2009 at 22:22
Baby likes drama.
Posted by: Gammy | 17/09/2009 at 22:51
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I EFFING LOVE IT! He is super baby.
Posted by: fartface | 17/09/2009 at 23:09
Congrats! My birthday is September 11th. It's not as depressing as you'd think, and everyone remember it!
Posted by: Emily | 17/09/2009 at 23:26
congrats Nieratko! my girl is pregers too... i'm gonna be hitting you up for some fatherly advice soon.
Posted by: Animalchan | 18/09/2009 at 00:23
Hooray!
Posted by: munner | 18/09/2009 at 01:05
Congrats on your new hippie(420)/Jesus/Hitler baby and that you, your wife, and your kid are all named chris good luck dude
ps NJ rules
Posted by: gasser | 18/09/2009 at 01:27
dude bring him into nj2 someday
Posted by: nick | 18/09/2009 at 03:37
Your baby shares his birthday with Chris Angel.The.Mindfreak, because Chris.Angel.The.Mindfreak has a birthday everyday.
Posted by: dylan | 18/09/2009 at 07:46
Like I said, if you'd have brought him to the office I could have said Hi but I had some really important meetings that day. x
Posted by: Andy | 18/09/2009 at 11:40
What a nice tribute to, Crissie :-)
Posted by: Caryn | 18/09/2009 at 19:09