CHICAGO - AND THINGS ARE STILL LIKE THEY ARE IN THE SUBURBS

If you're tired of artsy "cinema of transgression" types and are a fan of lowbrow humor, shitty metal, idiots, boredom, and pain, here is a suggestion: watch this new movie called Human Garbage. It all takes place in Elgin, Illinois, where the crew of scumbags and self-hurters who made it have been for a fair share of their lives. Being an outsider, it's hard to tell why they're so proud of the place: This is the town to go to when you're 16 years old and want a tattoo, as long as you don't mind that a biker with Hep C and missing teeth is going to do it, it's going to look incredibly shitty, and some gangbanger will probably rob you afterward in the parking lot. 

Before I met these people they made a movie called FUCK MY DIRTY SHIT HOLE, which was similar to the one that just came out. Here's the trailer. 

Now you know what you're in for. They recently threw a release party for the movie and I went. 

Right when I get to the show I run into Ian, who is wheelchair-bound after jumping into Lake Michigan and fracturing both of his legs. Surprisingly, he is not a part of the "stunt crew" that were showing their new movie that night. He asks someone if there is a guest list and is told not to worry about it, as long as he could make it in on the nonexistent ramp to enter the bar.

This guy's name is Sean. He plays in Tongues, who were headlining that night, and apparently he is a pretty big SAVATAGE fan. Almost every time I've seen him he is wearing this shirt and I've only known him about six months. 

Drunk people are often hilarious when they are not annoying the shit out of you. This guy's name was wither Juan or Kwan (so he says), and he came up to us and was telling us how he was here for the "Big Tongue Show" and how he was a "Tongue groupie." He also told us that he had a small dick. After he sang some song that wasn't a Tongues song and drunkenly stumbled away, I asked Sean if he had any idea who this guy was, their supposed biggest fan who didn't even know that their name was plural. Of course he didn't. I saw Juan/Kwan walking around a little bit throughout the night inside the bar before the movie, but by the time Tongues played he was nowhere to be found.

Oil Can Boys are a punk band with a song about Dungeons & Dragons. They also sing about dicks and tits and other mature "dude stuff" like that. The Human Garbage guys were mostly all up front going crazy while watching them.

After Oil Can Boys I went outside to smoke and saw this guy wearing a HIM shirt who was so fucked up he couldn't even bothered to not lay halfway on the road. Kenny of Human Garbage spit in his mouth, and then some of his friends helped him get off of the street.

There were other antics like this, but who really cares. Here's the Human Garbage trailer.

HUMAN GARBAGE TRAILER

You see how it's billed as "Too fucking brutal for MTV!", which is not an empty statement. A few months back MTV showed interest in what they were doing for some new show they were working on. After they sent some footage and did a phone interview with them, MTV took a pass on their video, apparently telling them it was indeed too brutal for their network. Most importantly this beautiful collection of backwoods suburban stunts ranging from slightly dangerous to potentially deadly reminds me a lot of the Uncle Goddamn tape that became an underground sensation via tape trading the the past few decades. The opening minute is filled with blood, puke, and someone stapling their balls to another one of their asses. And that is just a recap of their first video. 

Here's some other stuff to watch:

3 way fireball

Lightbulb tug O' war

The biggest laughs in the room that night came with the brilliant final scene, "The Bro Bond," in which two guys superglue their balls together, full with a call to the hospital to see if there was an easier way to become detached other than going into the ER. It might sound stupid, and maybe it is. It's a lot funnier to see (here's some more) than read about though. 

KRIS NUGENT

Comments

[juju]

how do your fracture both your legs from jumping into a lake? fat people get themselves into the most ridiculous positions

[artichoke]

three way fire ball? gross.

[@juju]

they do? from my experience fat people aren't very flexible.

[lee harvey griswald]

ball-stapling? come on guys, that's just gross.

[swing-atcha]

this shit might hurt more, but it's missing the funny elements of Jackass, which was also pretty brutal and also wackily endearing.

[tommy]

i disagree i've seen thier movies and i think they are funnier then jackass.the trailers just don't show it

[Amanda]

i agree these movies are priceless and always make me die laughing. and to the jackass who made the comment about ian. low tide...high bridge...anyone would have done the same thing

[pitchfag]

I'd fuck the guy in the white shirt. Really hard.

[TEEN FEELINGS]

Haven't they heard of jackass?

[Kyle Kross]

Without even seeing the DVD, I already like these guys better than jackass. It has more of a "homegrown" feel to it.

[not my real email]

i can't believe that the phrase "jackass imitators" was never even mentioned in the article. and it was obviously intentional

[dingo dick]

there is something to be said for growing up in the suburbs. you find shit to do and you start getting fucked up much earlier in life.

[anon]

Both the Tongues and Savatage are pretty good band names.

[Loop]

This is the kind of shit that makes outsiders hate America. I can see why. Thanks a lot morons.

[toddpot]

meh.

[James "Double-team" Ferguson]

This is the most appalling documentary of suburban outrages I have ever witnessed. The individuals who dream up these stunts are absolutely psychotic. I fucking love it!

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