NEW YORK - WHITE HOT IN MALTA

I am a white person, nearly even "albino." My mom told me I was "alabaster" as a kid, and for self-image reasons I’m rolling with that. So when my family decided to leave Australia and move to Malta–the mecca for all things brown–it came as quite a shock. Although I'd like to resist the notion that I am now randomly and technically a Maltese resident, I had to give in recently and embrace my new home. 

Don’t feel stupid if you have never heard of this remote island and/or don't have a clue where it is. Up until the move, my exposure to Malta never surpassed annual Eurovision Song Contest highlights.

The place itself is exactly what you imagine any Mediterranean island looking like: a mix between Miami, Ibiza, and Croatia.

There is obviously some major cultural confusion going on here though. When I got on the wrong bus and ended up in some sweltering hot industrial area in the middle of nowhere, I found what anyone would expect in such an arid and remote location. An Australian butcher.

 

I don’t know if it was the heat disturbing their brains, or if they genuinely had a strange obsession with dead animals, but the guys at the authentic "Aussie Butcher"  (located in rural Malta?) were overly eager to show off their skills when it came to grinding beef by-products.

Perhaps McDonalds is not to blame for the oily meat they serve?

I may or may not be casually grazing this man's stomach.

The most poignant example of a confused nation searching for their own identity was seen in the plethora of fluorescent tourist shops. Despite years of cultural image control, Jamaica has nothing on the Rastafarians in comparison to Malta.

 

Who knew that koalas were also a native animal of Malta?

If you’re ever just casually looking for a pedophile mask while on vacation, Malta knows what's up. I found myself strangely attracted to the stern gentleman on the end with no distinguishable facial features.
 

Obviously Maltese people tend to be a little bit insane. Roza, the legendary cat woman, is no exception. For 25 years, Roza and her buddy have been creating a haven for stray cats in an abandoned lot that they called “Cat Village.” Housing over 30 cats in fancy baskets and scarily large stuffed pandas, Roza has been feeding them and showing them the good life.
 

Public transport here is also a shit show. Please note the great driving prowess of Justin, below. It takes a skilled man to get a bus stuck between two trucks in an empty street.

Not only does Justin rock the excessive hair gel look circa 1998 and some sweet fake Dior sunglasses, he also has a pimped-out bus with its own tribal tattoo for all to admire. I ain’t mad at that.

The Maltese are at it again, ripping off the Australians.
 

Let’s be honest--who really needs an entire Chinatown when you could throw it all in one place and call it the same thing?
 

 

If you feel like reliving your slutty pre-teen years, Malta has a huge selection of super shitty, super cheap alcohol that has resulted in many sun-crisped tourists getting rowdy and pole dancing in clubs. Much to the disgust of every sane person on the island who didn’t need to see your poor attempt at vodka-induced Shakira body rolls.  
 

 

Imagine you were on ecstasy right now and HOW AMAZING THESE GLASSES WOULD BE…

Now realize that you're NOT on ecstasy right now and how much you want to kill the person who thought these would be a good idea.

I get it…recession…tough times.
That doesn’t mean I want to suddenly buy a used toothbrush and flosser from your yard sale.
 

And so I got in, got my $70 root canal, and left. 
It was an interesting experience which, as expected, did not leave me with a deep tan, but for sentimental purposes let’s just pretend that here I am, chilling on the beach, being a babe and loving life…
 

SARAH BASSET

Comments

[sasafras]

do they really call themselves Maltese? like the dogs? lame.

[SearsPoncho]

"S" is a suitable replacement when you're all out of ampersands in Malta.

[teet]

come visit my boner.

[Inka]

i didnt realize Australians did anything special with their meat. hm

[RuralJuror]

Looks like Justin is rolling a joint. And you wonder how he got stuck between two parked trucks?

[remdawg]

gurl i miss u sooo much

[joe love]

as if she didn't get naked once.... it's like i'm not even reading vice anymore.

[visit me at school see you soon k?]

this is the best thing ive ever read today. and i mean that. kick ass my new bff.

[maybe you meant "post"...]

"slutty pre-teen years" - really? as in, like, 12 and under?

[dem]

fuck!im even mediteranean (is that how you spell it)shit)and i've never been out across the ocean but it looks nice but i still like my canadian winters....but that cat lady looks pretty fucked and crazybut see those cool little forts she built for the cats how cool is that so i guess she's not that bad.

[daecos]

take me to the cat haven! and anywhere with you.

[buttheadfacearsefacehead]

Dear Vice,

Im from Australia and im hot. Im also in a cool foreign place. As you can see, I have taken photos, and some even include me wearing quirky sunglasses.

I was going to post these on my blog (I already have) but since I have friends who work at Vice Australia, I thought you would publish them in your magazine (you will).

Thats all.

Regards,

Lady in the photos.

[Anon.]

What's up buttheadfacearsefacehead, Get a life, this girl clearly works for Vice US.Don't hate because your blog suck balls.

[zzzz]

they call the dog a maltese like the country asshole

[alex]

love this

[Anon]

For once their is a girl who actually has a brain and a sense of humor and doesn't look like my Dad's ass. This is great.

[Slow Mo]

Your more of a babe then that girl in the final picture.

[buttheadfacearsefacehead]

Whats up Anon,
I got a life baby, it involves pissing people like you off.
Say cheese.
BFAFH.

[MPG]

thoese glasses are going to be on teenage kids at all summer festivals starting NOW.

best thing i have read all day

[Anon.]

WOW. Buttheadfacearsefacehead, have fun with that. I hope you get somewhere by just vicariously living on the internet and bagging people out. Sounds like an amazing life.
I hope your parents basement in the suburbs is a nice backdrop for when your 30.

[MB]

That buttheadfacearsefacehead dude is just too bad and so sad. Being a dickhead is one thing - proudly advertising the fact - is just tragic. Beam him up Scotty.

[Bun]

look how happy the guy is with your stomach touch. he's got a bottle of the 2.49 'summer special' waiting for you.

[Babaca]

I once bought a pair of those disco shades. Damn, they rock the party.

[eurotrash]

disco shades, ecstasy, meat, cheap drinks, chinese food, sunshine .. oh sarah! you got a good life!

[stuck in afghanistan]

this is the only girl in vice i am actually attracted to...