I am a white person, nearly even "albino." My mom told me I was "alabaster" as a kid, and for self-image reasons I’m rolling with that. So when my family decided to leave Australia and move to Malta–the mecca for all things brown–it came as quite a shock. Although I'd like to resist the notion that I am now randomly and technically a Maltese resident, I had to give in recently and embrace my new home.
Don’t feel stupid if you have never heard of this remote island and/or don't have a clue where it is. Up until the move, my exposure to Malta never surpassed annual Eurovision Song Contest highlights.
There is obviously some major cultural confusion going on here though. When I got on the wrong bus and ended up in some sweltering hot industrial area in the middle of nowhere, I found what anyone would expect in such an arid and remote location. An Australian butcher.
I don’t know if it was the heat disturbing their brains, or if they genuinely had a strange obsession with dead animals, but the guys at the authentic "Aussie Butcher" (located in rural Malta?) were overly eager to show off their skills when it came to grinding beef by-products.
I may or may not be casually grazing this man's stomach.
The most poignant example of a confused nation searching for their own identity was seen in the plethora of fluorescent tourist shops. Despite years of cultural image control, Jamaica has nothing on the Rastafarians in comparison to Malta.
Who knew that koalas were also a native animal of Malta?
If you’re ever just casually looking for a pedophile mask while on vacation, Malta knows what's up. I found myself strangely attracted to the stern gentleman on the end with no
distinguishable facial features.
Obviously Maltese people tend to be a little bit insane. Roza, the legendary cat woman, is no exception. For 25 years, Roza and her buddy have been creating a haven for stray cats in an abandoned lot that they called “Cat Village.” Housing over 30 cats in fancy baskets and scarily large stuffed pandas, Roza has been feeding them and showing them the good life.
Public transport here is also a shit show. Please note the great driving prowess of Justin, below. It takes a skilled man to get a bus stuck between two trucks in an empty street.
Not only does Justin rock the excessive hair gel look circa 1998 and some sweet fake Dior sunglasses, he also has a pimped-out bus with its own tribal tattoo for all to admire. I ain’t mad at that.
The Maltese are at it again, ripping off the Australians.
Let’s be honest--who really needs an entire Chinatown when you could throw it all in one place and call it the same thing?
If you feel like reliving your slutty pre-teen years, Malta has a huge selection of super shitty, super cheap alcohol that has resulted in many sun-crisped tourists getting rowdy and pole dancing in clubs. Much to the disgust of every sane person on the island who didn’t need to see your poor attempt at vodka-induced Shakira body rolls.
Imagine you were on ecstasy right now and HOW AMAZING THESE GLASSES WOULD BE…
Now realize that you're NOT on ecstasy right now and how much you want to kill the person who thought these would be a good idea.
And so I got in, got my $70 root canal, and left.
It was an interesting experience which, as expected, did not leave me with a deep tan, but for sentimental purposes let’s just pretend that here I am, chilling on the beach, being a babe and loving life…