Most skateboarders would agree that skateboards are radical to the max. But what do the people not involved in skateboarding think? “Why should I care?” I hear you say, and rightly so. Who cares? Who gives a heck what the ballerina thinks of boxing gloves? Or what the shark thinks of television? Who cares what the cat thinks of my haircut or the tilt of my penis? Who cares? No one cares. But the fact remains that I had to review these six decks without damaging them. They had to be in a resalable condition so I could move them on eBay. So in the interest of paying my rent, I went for a walk around the block and asked the general public what they think of these boards.
Bowl Troll Series
7.75” - 31.5”
Reviewed by my barber Peter from Peter’s Hair Styling
Vice: Peter, what are your first impressions?
Peter: It looks OK to me.
Yeah, but what else?
You should ask my grandsons what they think about it. But, it looks OK to me.
What do you like about it?
Who is this guy here?
I don’t know. Just some evil dude, I guess.
Looks like one of those cartoon characters… I think it’s okay.
What don’t you like about it? Is there anything you’d change?
I wouldn’t change anything. It’s OK.
What would you give it out of ten?
I would say, as far as I know about these things… I would say ten.
Ten out of ten?
You wanna take it for a shred?
Would I like to try it?
Can I ask you something?
Have you ever done a Mohawk?
Oh yes, I’ve made Mohawks.
How many Mohawks have you done?
I don’t know.
I’ve done a few.
How much does a Mohawk cost these days?
The same as any other cut. Do you want one?
Pigeon League Cruiser
8” - 32”
Reviewed by Chris, who is a physicist
Vice: What do you think of this skateboard, Chris?
Chris: It looks very nice. It’s beautifully made.
And I like the stuff on the back.
I guess these holes here are for putting the wheels in, are they?
Yeah, that’s where you attach the trucks.
The trucks. They’re like the axles or whatever.
Hmmm. It looks very comfortable. How do they get it to be that shape?
Some sort molding process, I think. I’m not sure.
Well, it looks very comfortable.
What would you change about it if you had to change something?
I would be concerned that this would be a bit slidey, a little slippery.
Yes, you’re right.
So I would want to have something to ensure that my feet remained on the board.
Something grippy, perhaps?
Maybe some sort of gripping tape?
Yes. Now, what are you supposed to wear on these things, sneakers?
Well, that’s my only criticism, otherwise…
Ten out of ten?
Yes. Definitely. But then--I’m not a boarder.
You’re a physicist.
What does that involve?
Oh, frightfully complicated stuff.
What’s the grossest thing you’ve seen?
Yeah, like squashed heads and stuff.
No. Nothing very bad.
Ricky Oyola, Green 8
8" - 31"
Reviewed by my dentist, Julian.
Vice: What do you think of this skateboard, Julian?
Julian: Who’s Ricky?
This is his pro-model.
It’s like… Michael Jordan has a shoe. Ricky Oyola has a board. Get it?
Is he good?
Yeah. He is.
I don’t know about this. Do we really need to see his name?
That’s just how it is. The pros put out boards with their names on them.
But will that make you skate as good as Ricky?
Maybe. Probably not.
So, he’s that popular that if you have a Ricky skateboard it makes you… hip?
Yes. That’s how it works.
And you become pro instantly?
No. You’d have to practice a lot.
What is this "Traffic" thing?
That’s the name of the company that makes the board.
I like that. I like the "Traffic"… Graphic.
Do you like the color?
I really like the green.
Overall what would you give this board out of ten?
The front or the back?
The whole thing.
Okay, just give me the top first.
The top I would give about an 8.
And the bottom?
I would give that… say… an 8 also.
So 16 out of 10 is what you’re saying?
Can I have some Vicodin now?
What’s the fascination with Vicodin? What are you doing with it?
Well, I don’t have any. Try the pharmacy.
Kevin Taylor, Graffiti Series
7.5” - 3.5”
Reviewed by Lisa, the lady from my grocery
Vice: All right. Lisa, what do you think?
Lisa: I think that this is sooo cool.
And when I was younger I used to skateboard.
No you didn’t.
Yeah. I did.
When I was 14.
Did you like it?
It was fun!
Would you do it again, like now?
No way! You’d be like that Chinese lady with the rollerblades!
Oh! You seen her? I love her!
The helmet and the reflector vest!
She comes by here every day!
I know, I live down the street. She is sooo slow!
I love her.
What do you think of the artwork on this board?
I like the artwork. I think the design is awesome. I would feel safe on this skateboard.
You’d feel safe?
What do you think of the graffiti?
I love it!
How do you feel about graffiti in general?
Well, so long as it’s in the right place I feel good about it. As long as they have permission.
Lisa, how is it that you’re the happiest person I’ve ever met in my life? What’s your secret?
Well, when I wake up in the morning I’m happy.
I’m happy to just wake up!
And also I say to myself, You know what? I’m going to treat people the way I want to be treated.
Yes! And I’m an early bird.
Brian Anderson, Big Girl 4
8” - 31.8”
Reviewed by Pedro from the ice cream truck
Vice: Hey Pedro! How’d you like this?
Pedro: It’s perfect man! It’s beautiful! I mean, I don’t know nothing about the skateboards, but this one is… so good.
You like it?
I like it, you know? The colors, the materials… it’s so good.
It’s nice right?
It’s very good, very good. I think that one is perfect.
So you’re giving it ten out of ten?
Yeah, man. Ten out of ten for sure. It’s perfect.
How’s the ice-cream business going?
The ice-cream business?
Yeah, how is it?
Pretty good, man. We have 56 years in the business!
Yeah, it’s nice, man. It’s very good.
That’s a long time!
Can you believe Home Depot is only 30 years? And we are 56 years in the business.
Where do you go to the bathroom?
Where do you piss?
Across the street, man! Where do you think?
At the Papaya Hut?
I don’t know. I always wondered where you ice cream dudes take a leak.
It’s crazy, huh? I have to go across the street.
They don’t mind?
No, it’s cool.
“Do You Think I’m Pretty?”
8” - 31"
Reviewed by my buddy Sky, who is a fireman.
Vice: So what’d you think, fireman?
Sky: Wow! High school romance, I like it! I like the girl and the tears. I like the rejection.
Yeah! She’s crying and her boyfriend’s got the bent knees, he’s sort of saying, like “Sorrrrrrryyyyy, I can’t go to the prom with you.”
He might have given her crabs.
Maybe. What’s she saying? “Do you think I’m pretty?” the answer is obviously “No.”
She doesn’t look that bad though.
No. I think she’s hot.
As a fireman do you feel an overwhelming compulsion to help her?
I do actually! Yes.
Did you become a fireman to save lives or…
Yeah, to help people.
You didn’t do it for the chicks?
Chicks?! Not for chicks! Jesus. I got a girlfriend.
OK. What would you change?
About being a fireman? Being a fireman is the best job in the world. I wouldn’t change a thing.
No, no. I mean the board.
Ah… I wouldn’t change anything about it. Although, it looks like a girl-specific board.
What makes you say that?
Well, if it said, “Do you think I’m handsome?” I would think differently.
Oh. Well, "Pretty" is the company name.
Oh, right. Hey, do you get to keep the boards when you’re done?
I guess. Do you want it?
Can I have it?
Thanks! I think it’s reeeally Pretty now.