I have a love/hate relationship with Canada. I loved that my three Canadian friends brought their crappy newspaper Big Brother rip-off to America and got rich making the mega pyramid that is the uber-hip VICE enterprises. I hate that Canada thinks it is so awesome (which it is not) that it doesn’t let people like me, who have a few minor DUIs and casual felonies under their belt, into their stupid country.
I once drove all the way up to Montreal to look at tits and skateboarding from New Jersey only to be told I was too unsavory for their fake French asses. They told me to turn around and go home.
I told them I was there for work and they let me buy a work permit for the weekend.
STUPID CANADIANS! FOOLED YOU!
They also told me that I was not allowed back for seven years. No real punishment, I thought…then my wife (who was then my girlfriend) suggested we go to Niagara Falls on the Canadian side. I had to explain to her why her boyfriend (at the time) was banned from an entire country. I’m sure she totally thought I was a rebel and it was hot and “She bang! She bang!”
Anyway, recently I was asked to be in a Canadian art show (Why? I don’t know. I’m no artist. If I were, I’m sure I would have been included in the Vice Photo Issue…) and to paint a 70s-style skateboard. Generally I would delete such emails but the money raised went to a good cause: skateboarding. And skateboarding is inherently AMERICAN. So I looked at it as a chance to help Americanize Canada. And so I agreed. This is the skateboard I painted…
If you have spare money and want to try and save Canada from becoming more Canadian, please check the auction. There are a bunch of really talented artists involved and it’s a worthwhile cause.
Maybe not as worthwhile as an 8-ball but…