I have a love/hate relationship with Canada. I loved that my three Canadian friends brought their crappy newspaper Big Brother rip-off to America and got rich making the mega pyramid that is the uber-hip VICE enterprises. I hate that Canada thinks it is so awesome (which it is not) that it doesn’t let people like me, who have a few minor DUIs and casual felonies under their belt, into their stupid country.
I once drove all the way up to Montreal to look at tits and skateboarding from New Jersey only to be told I was too unsavory for their fake French asses. They told me to turn around and go home.
I told them I was there for work and they let me buy a work permit for the weekend.
STUPID CANADIANS! FOOLED YOU!
They also told me that I was not allowed back for seven years. No real punishment, I thought…then my wife (who was then my girlfriend) suggested we go to Niagara Falls on the Canadian side. I had to explain to her why her boyfriend (at the time) was banned from an entire country. I’m sure she totally thought I was a rebel and it was hot and “She bang! She bang!”
Anyway, recently I was asked to be in a Canadian art show (Why? I don’t know. I’m no artist. If I were, I’m sure I would have been included in the Vice Photo Issue…) and to paint a 70s-style skateboard. Generally I would delete such emails but the money raised went to a good cause: skateboarding. And skateboarding is inherently AMERICAN. So I looked at it as a chance to help Americanize Canada. And so I agreed. This is the skateboard I painted…
If you have spare money and want to try and save Canada from becoming more Canadian, please check the auction. There are a bunch of really talented artists involved and it’s a worthwhile cause.
Maybe not as worthwhile as an 8-ball but…
CHRIS NIERATKO
wow! denied from Canada. thats rough
Posted by: herro | 28/08/2009 at 18:01
its true. if i was with a guy who was banned from a country i would totally dig it.
Posted by: laydee | 28/08/2009 at 18:02
usa! usa!
Posted by: america | 28/08/2009 at 18:11
what do you have to do to get banned for seven years?
Posted by: details | 28/08/2009 at 18:18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYSYipouABI
Posted by: blamecanada | 28/08/2009 at 18:24
lurlz
Posted by: ivy | 28/08/2009 at 18:58
fart sampler.
Posted by: fart | 28/08/2009 at 20:45
We thought about letting you in, but then we read your shitty 'Epicly Made Over' article and thought we'd rather devote our energy to being embarrassed on your behalf
Posted by: quoi? | 28/08/2009 at 22:10
I have had nothing but bad vibes and trouble from the Quebecois border guards. I hate them with a passion.
Posted by: Kid Viscous | 28/08/2009 at 22:35
god, i love ricky martin.
Posted by: Jennnn | 28/08/2009 at 23:23
Anyone who DUIs is a fucking douche bag. Wonder how you'd feel about your wife and baby driving along the highway when along comes a drunk fucktard in an SUV. Wonder how you'd feel about "minor DUIs and casual felonies" then. Karma is a bitch.
Posted by: Tabby | 28/08/2009 at 23:53
awwww i have a DUI too! And I also get laid because I am rebellious and cool.
Posted by: Chloe hates Chris | 29/08/2009 at 00:07
You are unwelcome in Canada, stay the hell out and keep skateboarding. Skate Dads are completely out of control.
Posted by: Christoper | 29/08/2009 at 06:45
And they are surprise how people don't like them (or even bomb them), even if is a joke, why we want to be americans? to be "world" champions of baseball?
Posted by: KWL | 29/08/2009 at 18:17
You are a douche. America tends to not let people with criminal offenses into your country either, so fuck off.
Posted by: AA | 29/08/2009 at 18:19
It's the same thing in USA. A friend of mine did some criminal offence in the past and he can not go with us snowboarding in Vermont just 45 minutes from Montréal. C'est la vie pauvre con...
Posted by: Jean-Simon | 29/08/2009 at 23:01
hahaha. hey im from canada! we'll keep out anyone we want! good new layout on the site though. canada also blocked eminem. its too bad there are some good skateparks up here. better luck in the future. 8 balls are super cheap in bc. btw. $180 and i aint kidding.
Posted by: cn | 30/08/2009 at 06:39
Don't hate on Canada cause the pigs got ya down. We don't like them either. Besides being Canadian means not being an ill informed American fucktard.
Just saying...
Posted by: John Candy | 30/08/2009 at 13:00
they wouldn't let you in because you resemble scrotal dandruff
Posted by: theboyishedeadtoo? | 30/08/2009 at 21:01
Oh Vice, you are so cool because you are contrarian.
Posted by: Bobby Alias | 31/08/2009 at 11:04
I feel your pain.
Posted by: apt | 31/08/2009 at 18:18
This is my first time I have visited your site. I found a lot of interesting information in your blog. From the volume of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one! keep up the impressive work.
Posted by: Phen375 | 16/10/2010 at 12:46
sounds like things are going well! i have been mneaing to get over here to comment for some time now. wanted to thank you so much for your comments on my site. it is so hot here too...it is like winter in a way...being so cooped up in the house. my son has been pretty good about my explanations that parks and playgrounds are out of the question until this heat subsides. i will be back to read and comment more! keep writing!oh looks like i will have to sign in with my blogger account to comment. by the way...i have MS and i have a blog about that.www.theautismexpress.com
Posted by: Tobias | 07/05/2012 at 01:26