LONDON - STEP BACK! IT'S A RAP ATTACK*

Why does everyone have to teach everything through rap? The only things I’ve ever learned from a lifetime of listening to rap came from "Ten Crack Commandments," and it wasn’t exactly a super positive lesson. So why does every well-meaning police psychologist/French teacher/social worker reckon the secret to life is a lesson in rap? They can’t all be as cool as that teacher in 10 Things I Hate About You, can they?

Anyway, this week some creationists decided they were going to teach lies to British kids about how dinosaur bones were put there to humiliate paleontologists once they get to heaven and realize that all of earth was invented by God so he could take the piss out of humans by offering us loads of proof that he’s not there. Using rap. Presumably the rap element is to bring their crazy repressive medieval anti-knowledge superstitions bang up to date.

I used to know this rap group called Yes Bo$$. They were pretty shit, but we all loved them. They were definitely the best white middle-aged Yorkshire electro-grime rap group that we’d ever seen. They put out a record on Dance to the Radio, which is an indie label, and obviously it sold -9,000,000 records because, objectively, it was shit. After that, the MC, Noah, released some diss track on all the little indie kids who ran the label, which was brave of him because those Pavement fans were tough as heck. Anyway, after he’d calmed down, Yes Bo$$ gave up on the music industry and decided to give something back to society by running beatbox classes for underprivileged kids. Which is a bit like buying them a Playstation a week before their exams.

How many people in the UK make a living off rap? About three. But every time a failing UK emcee fails even more, his reaction is to spread his curse through the youth.

In summary, can religious folk please stop trying to kick "the truth" to the youth, and can rappers please realize that you're useless role models?

RA RA RAPSUTIN

*It's not an exact quote, but it seemed like a good excuse to read this again.

Comments

[Jono]

These creationists won't get anywhere. Rap about God usually sucks. Unless it's rap about U-God, then it might be interesting.

[billyjean]

a white middle-aged Yorkshire electro-grime rap group.....wow. thats about as lame as it gets

[???]

I'm guessing the diss song is "Indie Kids"?

[noodlestoots]

i only have enough room for one british rapper in my life and mike skinner has taken that spot.

[Julio Inglesias]

All that scratching is making me itch.