The Hey Ron! mailbag's been getting too heavy with the same questions Ron's already answered about degenerate landlords and bum roommates and shady friends. Most of life's problems boil down to a lack of swaddling in the dollar's cushy papoose, so we're taking a little time-out to present Ron's top tips for keeping the bacon on the pig. Take it away, Ron...
Always try to spend someone else’s money first and foremost. Always try to get something for free. The barter system is great. Invite a friend who has money but no friends. There’s a lot of people out there like that. It’s like a good-looking guy who dates a fat girl. She’s going to treat you like a king because she knows she can’t get a man who looks like you so she’s going to go all-out. You get a guy who’s nerdy but you’re the good-looking guy—like myself. They will love to treat you because they know you’re always going to attract pretty women. So you bring a nerd with you with money. Bring a Bill Gates. It’s always good to have what we call a “booster” in the family. If you’ve got a booster in the family, clothes are free because they will go to any high-end store and walk out with a $1,000 wardrobe for you.
Other than that...
Food
If you don’t mind eating off of someone’s plate when they leave the table, it’s all good.
Going out
You can sit at a bar, you nurse a drink, and as people sit there and leave tips, you scoop the tip.
Saving on gas
You always invite people who don’t own cars but who want to get dropped off. Everybody chips in for gas but you.
Kids wanting stuff
You want to play with toys? Play with each other. Beat each other up. Use your imagination. We used to get boxes, like when someone delivered a washing machine, the box, we used it as a fort. We made our own toys. There was no such thing as going to the store and buying toys. There were no PSPs in my day.
Dating new girls
My wife is going to read this and she’s going to know my game. If I’m going to be there for a week, the first date we go all-out. I’m treating her nice. She’s going to think I’m all that and I just met her so I’m good. What happens is now I’m away, I lost my wallet and I had to put a freeze on my credit card. I’m going to give her that sad routine and she’s going to think I would’ve spent all my money on her this weekend so she’s going to look out. At the end of the weekend she’s spent more on me than I spent on that one night. That’s a proven fact.
Love,
Ron
OK now get your shit together and send us a real problem, not one you already read about in this column. Dump your quandaries here.
Uh, this was fun for a while I guess.
Posted by: trey cool | 04/08/2009 at 20:12
Is he really stretching the Benji? Ron is strong with a delicate touch. No wonder the ladies love him.
Posted by: Rod | 04/08/2009 at 20:12
wife? i don't see a wedding band. uh-oh ron. look out when you get home tonight.
Posted by: concerned citizen | 04/08/2009 at 20:15
wish i had a booster in my family
Posted by: fam | 04/08/2009 at 20:25
my friend got busted stealing tips off the bar...pretty hilarious scene.
Posted by: haha | 04/08/2009 at 20:27
im not sure if dating a fat chick is worth the free shit
Posted by: idunno.... | 04/08/2009 at 20:30
what about living off the government?
Posted by: lou | 04/08/2009 at 20:45
what? dating fat chicks is awesome as long as you can keep some other ladies on the side.
Posted by: allen | 04/08/2009 at 20:46
go get a job, you bum.
Posted by: Richard Nixon | 04/08/2009 at 21:09
beans and rice tastes great with onions and peppers and sriracha. also, costco chicken! you grill up a shitload of bbq chicken and then you have cold pieces of bbq chicken in a huge tupper-wear container just waiting there. girls are impressed if you never talk about how you can cook. when they ask, just say, "yeah, i can chef it up a little," and change the subject. this will also land you some pussy. i used to shoplift a lot, but now i just buy durable clothes from army/navy.
Posted by: swing-atcha | 04/08/2009 at 21:12
I nominate the one above me as the next Hey Ron installment!
Posted by: Tara | 04/08/2009 at 21:53
Ron, you are an american hero
Posted by: TonyFunfetti | 04/08/2009 at 22:33
How about you don't have kids to begin with? Toys are just the beginning of a lifetime of spending.
Posted by: Hannah | 04/08/2009 at 23:29
Did Ron just advocate stealing tips from bartenders? What a dick.
Posted by: Danimal | 05/08/2009 at 00:12
all right guys, take it easy on the comments before I out actually true things about both of you on the blog and embarrass the shit out of you for real.
Posted by: The Eavesdropper | 05/08/2009 at 04:41
Ron's a hottie.
Posted by: Bun | 05/08/2009 at 17:01
my gas idea is to syfine gas from a buddy with a hose right into my tank.
Posted by: darthvice | 06/08/2009 at 18:37
dear ron
I bet I am waaayy better at stretching a dollar than you are (even though I wont let anyone know about my tricks..) I also have to admit that being a girl makes things probably a little easier.
Plus the fact that I just have noooo choice because I have no fucking idea how to deal with money, so I never really have any or if I do I manage to spend it within one day (no matter how much you give me, I swear!)
May you give me some advice on that problem?! Learning how NOT to spend all my money in one day in order to be super rich for not just one day a month but maybe two or three?!
regards
someonebroke
Posted by: mebrokie | 07/08/2009 at 18:03
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