Instead of sitting around your computer eating slices of rice cheese while staring at Youtube sensation after Youtube sensation, why not get out and enjoy a small breath of fresh air before slumping into a dungeon of a movie theater? There’s this hot new gay film called T4: Salvation that’ll drain your endorphin storage faster than doing a bump while jumping off the high dive with your dick in your hand, and you should totally check it out. Our guy Matt Kessler went to see a private viewing and gave us the scoop.
I was pretty pumped to go to the theater. The buzz around Salvation was kind of deafening so I tried to stay focused on not letting all those conversations influence my idea of what the movie was gonna be like, i.e. A-W-E-S-O-M-E, i.e. S-O-O-O-O-O F-U-C-K-I-N-G.
I made a quick pit stop on the way to the cinema. You know your girl loves Flipz.
I made a quick pit stop on the way to the cinema. You know your girl loves Flipz.
And Java Monster. If you don't know which flavor to get, try Loca Moca. Shit's crazy.
With the amenities nestled safely in my Jansport, I made my way over to the theater. Seeing as how, you know, this was the Terminator and everything, I kinda had a hunch the room would be packed. Understatement of the year. Five minutes before game time and it was balls to the wall.
SETTLE DOWN, right?! I mean, it was getting hard to breathe in there and it kinda started to smell like buttered popcorn, Mountain Dew, and busted asshole. Management tried to subdue the room's frenzied anticipation by showing us some exciting facts about other HUGE summer hits. And, hate to say it, but it kinda worked.
Shut the FUCK up.
No way, right?!
I looked at the guy 15 rows behind me and mouthed: CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHIT? I don't think he could 'cause he was reading a newspaper.
Shut the FUCK up.
No way, right?!
I looked at the guy 15 rows behind me and mouthed: CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHIT? I don't think he could 'cause he was reading a newspaper.
I think by this point we were all getting pre-tty r.e.s.t.l.e.s.s. We were ready for the show. The BIG show. Apocalyptic mayhem in the year 2050. Cyborgs fucking each other up with their fists and then blowing the fuck out of planet earth. Sublimated homosexual man vs. sublimated homosexual machine duking it out on the grandest scale possible with no stupid females to get in the way. And, oh yeah, Helena Bonham Carter's in it too. As an evil scientist ghost-spirit stuck in a computer in the future. She's a really important actress.
"Salvation" is a loaded word.
"Terminator" and "Salvation" together is like super loaded.
Especially when the movie starts off with a pretty gnarly android masturbation scene.
"Salvation" is a loaded word.
"Terminator" and "Salvation" together is like super loaded.
Especially when the movie starts off with a pretty gnarly android masturbation scene.
Whoa! How fuckin' hot was that shit??
I had to run to the bathroom.
Good thing this cyborg slut was there to help me do my business.
I-AM-A-SLUT-FROM-THE-FUTURE.
HALF-SLUT. HALF-MACHINE.
Just like this hottie, huh?
That's the new Terminator. Check out the huge boner Bale gets when he sees stud-boy strapped to the chains:
Come here, bro. I think my phone's vibrating. Could ya grab that for me?
Palm Pre. Nice. Am I grippin' it too hard?
Perfect. But ya gotta slide your finger along the touch screen to unlock it. Think you can handle that?
Yeah. Hold on one second while I readjust my boner.
No dude. Readjust my boner. With your mouth.
EJACULATION: APPROVED. COMMENCE FACE-HOSING.
That's the new Terminator. Check out the huge boner Bale gets when he sees stud-boy strapped to the chains:
Come here, bro. I think my phone's vibrating. Could ya grab that for me?
Palm Pre. Nice. Am I grippin' it too hard?
Perfect. But ya gotta slide your finger along the touch screen to unlock it. Think you can handle that?
Yeah. Hold on one second while I readjust my boner.
No dude. Readjust my boner. With your mouth.
EJACULATION: APPROVED. COMMENCE FACE-HOSING.
By this point the theater was getting MUSTY. The guy in the third row came up to me and asked if I could hold his Verizon LG Chocolate for a second. Yeah right, like I was falling for that trick. I have to admit that I was feeling hot and bothered by the movie though, and was giving a long thought as to which appliances in my living room might fancy a no-strings-attached summer romance.
Right at that moment, Common came in with a moving rap about the dangers of unprotected homosexual human-cyborg sexual activity. He is so positive and open and 2009.
In conclusion: Seeing this must have been like going to see Behind The Green Door back in the 70s, but with a little bit more of an evil-cyborg-Abercrombie-&-Fitch vibe going on. So hot. T4. Terminator Salvation. The HOTTEST movie of 2009. Hard to believe that just a couple years ago director McG was doing Smashmouth videos. Dude's never going back to the B-List. No way.
MATT KESSLER
you somehow made this movie enjoyable. thank you matt kessler.
Posted by: maxwell's silver hammer | 17/07/2009 at 23:19
isn't this the film that christian bale was working on when he flipped out on the production assistant about being professional? what a joke. i liked him better before he was batman.
Posted by: klein | 17/07/2009 at 23:23
this is the first movie I've ever seen that managed to have no plot and still have plot holes.
Posted by: Kyle Reese | 17/07/2009 at 23:29
Monster has a java drink? If I had eaten anything today I would have thrown up.
Posted by: Tara | 17/07/2009 at 23:33
Whatever vice magazine cool guy. T4 is awesome.
Posted by: beetle bones | 17/07/2009 at 23:45
PS- you're a bitch.
Posted by: beetle bones | 17/07/2009 at 23:47
i'm going to write t5 and the story is going to be about going back in time to hunt down and destroy all people responsible for the making of t4.
Posted by: lazy eyez killa | 18/07/2009 at 00:04
that was hilarious ty vice "verizong lg chocolate"
Posted by: justin | 18/07/2009 at 10:22
this is what passes for humor in vice these days? reads like it was written by johnny ryan.
by the way: can johnny ryan please get cancer and die painfully and alone? thanks vice!
Posted by: Gordon Light-Fut | 18/07/2009 at 11:31
Java Monster is king but it still licks boots when compared to the Goddess of Tab Energy.
Posted by: Stasi Slut | 18/07/2009 at 20:55
love this.
Posted by: alex | 19/07/2009 at 14:55
funnie
Posted by: black joker | 19/07/2009 at 16:32
I always loved Matt Kessler's stuff in Hit it or QUIT it and EyeRocket, glad he is back to writing.
Posted by: Furley | 19/07/2009 at 17:26
Christian Bale is so good in American Psycho that he gets a pass for life
Posted by: patrick bateman | 20/07/2009 at 14:50
gotta say, thats gotta be the worst humour ive come across in a long time. So what, is Matt Kessler a 14 year old school boy now? Cos thats exactly what he sounds like! Im only 20 and this makes me feel 200!!
Posted by: Alex | 23/07/2009 at 15:31
OMG shutty!
I >~*LOVE*~< Matt Kessler!!!
Posted by: Heidi Montag | 26/07/2009 at 02:21
duuuude, you wish. still hot. rude ass. i'd do it.
Posted by: k | 05/08/2009 at 17:22
Должен Вам сказать Вас обманули.
Posted by: podrochite | 26/12/2009 at 09:41
One of my favourites...
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Posted by: financeloans | 02/09/2011 at 08:57
Always was interested in this theme! i'm going to write t5 and the story is going to be about going back in time to hunt down and destroy all people responsible for the making of t4.
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