Instead of sitting around your computer eating slices of rice cheese while staring at Youtube sensation after Youtube sensation, why not get out and enjoy a small breath of fresh air before slumping into a dungeon of a movie theater? There’s this hot new gay film called T4: Salvation that’ll drain your endorphin storage faster than doing a bump while jumping off the high dive with your dick in your hand, and you should totally check it out. Our guy Matt Kessler went to see a private viewing and gave us the scoop.
I made a quick pit stop on the way to the cinema. You know your girl loves Flipz.
And Java Monster. If you don't know which flavor to get, try Loca Moca. Shit's crazy.
With the amenities nestled safely in my Jansport, I made my way over to the theater. Seeing as how, you know, this was the Terminator and everything, I kinda had a hunch the room would be packed. Understatement of the year. Five minutes before game time and it was balls to the wall.
Shut the FUCK up.
No way, right?!
I looked at the guy 15 rows behind me and mouthed: CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHIT? I don't think he could 'cause he was reading a newspaper.
"Salvation" is a loaded word.
"Terminator" and "Salvation" together is like super loaded.
Especially when the movie starts off with a pretty gnarly android masturbation scene.
Good thing this cyborg slut was there to help me do my business.
That's the new Terminator. Check out the huge boner Bale gets when he sees stud-boy strapped to the chains:
Come here, bro. I think my phone's vibrating. Could ya grab that for me?
Palm Pre. Nice. Am I grippin' it too hard?
Perfect. But ya gotta slide your finger along the touch screen to unlock it. Think you can handle that?
Yeah. Hold on one second while I readjust my boner.
No dude. Readjust my boner. With your mouth.
EJACULATION: APPROVED. COMMENCE FACE-HOSING.
By this point the theater was getting MUSTY. The guy in the third row came up to me and asked if I could hold his Verizon LG Chocolate for a second. Yeah right, like I was falling for that trick. I have to admit that I was feeling hot and bothered by the movie though, and was giving a long thought as to which appliances in my living room might fancy a no-strings-attached summer romance.
Right at that moment, Common came in with a moving rap about the dangers of unprotected homosexual human-cyborg sexual activity. He is so positive and open and 2009.
In conclusion: Seeing this must have been like going to see Behind The Green Door back in the 70s, but with a little bit more of an evil-cyborg-Abercrombie-&-Fitch vibe going on. So hot. T4. Terminator Salvation. The HOTTEST movie of 2009. Hard to believe that just a couple years ago director McG was doing Smashmouth videos. Dude's never going back to the B-List. No way.