NEW YORK - THE 30MG ADDERALL DISASTER

So, your grandpappy, pap-pap, or whatever you be calling him might have some crazy adventure tales about wars, bullets, and skulls or wolves and saving drowning babies or lassoing shit. And mom and dad might have some tripped-out daisy in the pussy, naked peen dangling in the river, LSD beard stories. Uncle Dennis might spin a few yarns about the cocaine roller skates amyl nitrate mesh tank top and huge AIDS mustaches. But us kids, when we get old and ready to rock the rocking chair with tales are gonna be all about the pill adventures.

The Xanax and the naps in the fire. The Oxycontin, 40 ounce, and all the pennies in your butt. The anti-depressant experiment binges and forcing yourself to masturbate at least twice a year because Zoloft killed your sex drive. The hydrocodone, wine, and slobbery voice mails. The snortin' the Ritalin and shaving your entire body sessions. The Klonopin kisses. That old Wellbutrin wiggle, that funky Paxil get- and breakdown. And the one pill adventure that I think I will most enjoy re-telling to the grandbabies, which will horrify and entice them with fright and will go also go nice with a big, toothless old lady grin and candlelight, is that of the 30mg Adderall. Little orange time release capsule from HADES. Hade's basement. Hade's basement's crawl space. Hade's basement's crawl space and crypt toilet. I can't even give this shit away!

Stay the fuck away from it unless you are into or curious about how far inward one can travel into the dank, sloshy pit of paranoia. In that case, you go there girl. You know that Oh-no-the-cocaine-is-wearing-off-very-quickly-and-if-I-don't-do-another-line-soon-I-will-succumb-to-the-hot-depression-rising-inside-my-ribcage-like-a-river-full-of-black-watery-shit-stink in your stomach feeling? Thinking so hard and deeply on the most insignificant tiny pore of thought that you can almost hear the skull tightening in on your grey matter and wringing every bit of wetness left of your brain till it feels like a strangled, powdery, dry blowfish stuck behind your eyes? Having to find the most all-hole-filled, rapey, S&M, blood-splatter porn to satiate your sustained state of psychotic horniness? The constant hum of silence becoming unbearably deafening and making your ears swell like heaving bullfrogs tied to your cranium? What is that hum???!!! The air is pixelated? Your face is dots? If grandma tells me she loves me one more time I am going to stab her face until its one satisfying giant hole? And yay! This is time-release and that means basically forever. The docs finally did it, and took every tiny slice of fun out of pill abuse with this little orange attack. The pill adventure that will unveil the wicked!

ADRIANE SCHRAMM

Comments

[jojo]

Go to any law school library in the country, you can sell that shit for top dollar. The Bar Exam is next tuesday.

light weight.

[derek]

yeah i know just what you mean, i got vicodin for my wisdom teeth removal. i got a coupon for a free mcflurry and played videogames all day.

[Morgan]

Adderall is what got me through finals week for at least two of my four years in college. I did a lot of shitting and chain smoking.

[licorice]

i dont know why anyone would take adderall recreationally. its not "fun"....its only good for doing work

[jimneycricket]

pills are okay. its kind of like russian roulette. you take em and just wait and see what happens

[shades of gray]

you have to be careful with the time releases. or you can pop it open and snort it.

[vanessa]

its prescription cocaine. nothing else to say.

[oddcheese]

who the fuck takes paxil and anti-depressants for recreation? you have to be one giant fucking loser. what is this even about?

[dude]

you are a pussy

[derek]

so generally how many childrens tylenols does it take to pixelate the air

[gregarious greg]

heart narcotic naps

[ski report]

you guys are pussies. adderall is fucking great.

[raymi]

zoloft sex drive destroyer indeed. also gives one an overwhelming desire to drink copious amounts of booze, which i did, then you get fat, which i also did. takes over a year to get out of your system entirely THEN you get skinny again. i'd rather be miserable and skinny any day than miserable and fat.

[i can drive for days]

You forgot about... The "I-Can't-get-it-up-at-all-now,-because-I-have-mental-blinders-on-that-are-only-allowing-me-to-focus-on-one-thing-and-currently-that-one-thing-is-the-paranoid-possibility-that-my-best-friend-is-a-vampire-and-this-girl-is-satan's-hooker"- feeling. Yeah fuck that shit. took it for four years of college and don't think my nerves, heart, and mind will ever recover.

[annie aa]

Well, Adreen, you know I'm a reg pill shovel - so god bless!
love you!
annie a pill slut

[Balforu]

Anybody know anything about Lexapro? I had to start taking it because my temper is getting really bad and I have two small kids and I was starting to scare them. I'm on 20 mgs a day.

[angie]

yeah you obvi don't know anything adderall is just pure amphetamines so you just wrote an article about how you can't handle amphetamines. good job.

[burn d]

These stories are what makes Vice a tired anachronism. There isn't even a story here, you're just bragging that you've taken a lot of pills. We get it, you can cop. Your 20s are radical, and the kids you grew up with back home would be so impressed at how decadent your life is in the big city.

Learn a new trick.

[muddy mudskpper]

adderall's my favorite pill. i do it recreationally and have never had a bad time on it.

[na]

amateur

[!!!]

some motherfucker talking about the bar exam on my bar exam vice study break. way to shit on my day

[mune]

suicide

[Halcyon]

I dunno, I got prescribed that shit and it didn't do much.

[Alex]

Don't get me wrong, low doses of Adderall are fun. But I split those 30's in half, dude. Take all 30 and I hole up in the corner of my dorm room because I don't know who's outside and wonder if my couch is going to try to eat me.

Fucking nightmare, man.

[olivia]

I worked as a fileclerk in a medical facility for almost a year and ate 90mg at 8 in the morning one day for shits and giggles.

Let's just say those fuckin files got FILED.

I then smoked a bowl of haze 12 hours later and the right side of my body went numb.