A few years back Neil LaBute wrote a short story about a racist guy who shits in a coworker's desk for our inaugural Fiction Issue. That was pretty great, because as fiction, it means it's not true. What's not pretty great is that today I arrived at the VICE office and opened the drawer of my filing cabinet to find a bottle of Lubriderm and what appeared to be three jizzed-on tissues. I'm all for pranks, and while I definitely "LOL'd," I started thinking about something: Unless someone went to the trouble of finding an adhesive that looked like fake cum, some guy in the office actually waited around till everyone left last night, went into the bathroom (I sure fucking hope he wasn't sitting in my black mesh task chair), and stroked a load or two into some FluffOut Facial TissueTM. While the end is funny, the means are just sad. I hope you enjoyed yourself, anonymous masturbator.
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CommentsThe comments to this entry are closed. |
jesus. i hope he didn't inseminate your yogi tea.
Posted by: nathan | 09/07/2009 at 17:56
woah.
id be locking my drawers if i were you.
Posted by: anonymous | 09/07/2009 at 17:56
clearely youve pissed somebody off...
Posted by: nasty | 09/07/2009 at 18:06
deeesgusting
Posted by: poo | 09/07/2009 at 18:06
for someone capable of producing that much jizz they are a pretty big pussy
Posted by: the truth | 09/07/2009 at 18:12
my bad, i was so drunk i thought it was my own desk
Posted by: jonathan hunt | 09/07/2009 at 18:13
haha that's pretty fucking gross. did he discard of it or is it all dry and crusty? perhaps he used elmer's glue, which would actually be a pretty believable alternative to jizz, esp after it has dried.
Posted by: hanz | 09/07/2009 at 18:19
It was Liz
Posted by: yllek | 09/07/2009 at 18:23
I once discovered a treasure trove of dried tissues when I was home from college. My little brother took my room when I left and I was trying to track down a pair of shoes and low and behold, I found a mountain of these.
Posted by: Grant | 09/07/2009 at 18:23
did he bring hte lubriderm in from home? thats pretty forward thinking
Posted by: dirtydog | 09/07/2009 at 18:31
Grant! Your little brother must be the funniest kid alive.
Posted by: Ivy Mokhov | 09/07/2009 at 18:52
Does anyone remember this guy? The old employee? Is it payback?
http://vice.typepad.com/vice_magazine/2009/05/new-york-a-tribute-to-our-erstwhile-assitant-to-the-publisher.html
Posted by: Hector | 09/07/2009 at 18:57
I just saw the Lubriderm on Flynn's desk.
Posted by: eyeballs | 09/07/2009 at 19:06
Don't look at me dude. I was balls deep in my girlfriend all last night. Got a witness too.
Posted by: Jesse Z. | 09/07/2009 at 19:12
you're disgusting, Jesse Z.
Posted by: god | 09/07/2009 at 19:28
Look on the bright side. At least he wasn't balls deep in your lunch.
Posted by: the truth | 09/07/2009 at 19:31
he gets his balls anywhere near me and he's gonna lose 'em.
Posted by: snipper | 09/07/2009 at 19:33
Gross. Better than a severed horse's head in your bed, though
Posted by: Wenz | 09/07/2009 at 19:40
I have a foreskin so no need for lube.
Posted by: Moses | 09/07/2009 at 20:13
Let's face it. By "girlfriend," he means his right hand in a brace.
Posted by: barghjdfrgh | 09/07/2009 at 21:08
well, I was told this is a fretty office... :P
Posted by: vanessa | 10/07/2009 at 00:36
My crowd in college referred to these as "spank rags", and one maniac in particular was famous for leaving at least 3 or 4 around the space he happened to sleep that night. Once I recall him crashing on a spare mattress and in the morning finding him sleeping with a virtual halo of spank rags circling his head. I called him the angel with sticky fingers after that.
Posted by: Jizzy McGuire | 10/07/2009 at 22:28