It’s not all fun and games for my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonzie. Nope. Lonald has a very rare disease that only afflicts ogres and giants that make it difficult for him to rock out too hard or too often. He never had this problem before. It only started when he came down the beanstalk to get his goose back; he’s never been the same since. That’s why events like Beatles Cover Bands can’t be a regular occurrence. Lonzie gets too psyched and ends up in the Emergency Room.
As fun of a pee-soaked adventure as that is for the rest of us, it’s a bummer for Lonnie. He cries. He hates doctors and hospitals. And he especially hates hospitals with doctors who raise their voices to make him understand what they’re saying. “I’m not deaf, I’m retarded, you retards!” he probably wants to say, but because of his class and charm does not. Instead he pees his pants and then makes a joke like, “This place doesn’t have a bathroom, huh?”
For this visit to the hospital, my mother-in-law called us, the other 911, to report that Lonnie needed to go. This sent my very pregnant wife into a frenzy and she rushed out the door screaming to me to call the real 911.
“Hello. 911. What is your emergency?”
“Yes. My ogre has fallen and can’t get up.”
“Is your ogre at this address?”
“No. He’s at my mother-in-law’s.”
“Why didn’t she call 911?”
“Because her phone can only dial our number. We have no 9s or 1s in our number.”
“Who am I speaking to?” She asked.
“Who am I speaking to?” I asked.
“Would you like me to send an ambulance?”
“Well, that is why I am calling. I’m not trying to make dinner reservations.”
“Can I have the address?”
“You may.” And I gave it to her.
People are so serious in times of emergency. It’s annoying. It’s not a healthy way to deal with emergencies.
I called my wife to tell her the ambulance was coming.
“What did 911 say?”
I thought that was a stupid question so I said, “They’re busy. They can’t make it.”
“WHAT?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?!"
“No. I’m kidding. They’re on the way. What else would they say?”
She cursed me out for making a joke at a very serious and inappropriate time. I told her to relax. He’d be fine. She hung up on me.
I thought it was as good a time as any to test a joke. Tough crowd.
And I was right. Lonnie was fine. He took his ogre medicine and they sent him home.
BENNY THE FUNNY DOG
Here’s Benny’s Seinfeld-inspired joke of the week:
“What is the deal with people? I mean, really? You talk to me like I have a fucking clue what you’re saying. I AM A DOG! NO HABLE ENGLISHO! OK? Just feed me so I can go take a shit and get back to my nap. My life is not up for discussion.”