—Gold is a precious metal.
—Bob learned to drive in a blue Pontiac.
Did that feel like a complete waste of time? It was.
And now you know how I felt after taking a nine-hour online driving school class.
Not sure if you remember that ticket I got in LA but it cost me $300 and I had to take traffic school over the internet to avoid points on my license. It was the biggest waste of time I’ve ever endured. I learned nothing about driving education and still answered 49 out of 50 correct on the final test. (It’s easy when the test questions are things like “True or False: Head-on collisions are fun?”)
To make things exciting and help the time pass along, the site designer inserted these zany photos you see and some oh-so-funny jokes throughout. They also inserted the above useless information to make sure you were actually reading. The above anecdotes and Jeopardy fodder were then referenced in the chapter ending quizzes and final exam. Every sentence was brutally painful and the 30-minute timer on each page (that took five minutes to read) prevented me from jumping ahead.
And yous guys thought my writing sucked…
Look for more Cuba stories appearing in an upcoming issue of The Skateboard Mag and Vice and also a piece on VBS. And maybe here too. Who knows?
MY DOG, BENNY THE COMEDIAN, IS ON VACATION THIS WEEK.
Luckily, my driving school also inserted jokes amongst the random useless information. Here are just a few I copied…
—I have one of those new subcompacts. It has an extra powerful gear for getting off gum!
—I know a fellow who put a beard on his Ford and told everybody it was a Lincoln!
—The used car salesman swore by the car. I bought it. The next day I swore too!
—A drunk is staggering down the street with one foot in the gutter and one foot on the curb. A cop stops him and says, "You're drunk!" The drunk replies, "Thank God! I thought I was crippled."