LONDON - I MADE A BABY COME OUT

I always regale you with stories of death, disease, sexual perversity, and self-destruction, which is pretty much what I deal with on a day-to-day basis in A&E. But sometimes there is a fleeting reprieve in the otherwise grim monotony of bodily failure. Last week I delivered my first baby, which, to be fair, was just as gruesome and proved humanity to be just as pitiless.

As an A&E doctor, I don’t deliver babies and don’t know anything about delivering babies apart from that they come out your vagina with considerable amounts of pain, tearing, and incontinence. If a woman comes into A&E in labor we will do everything we can to get her to the maternity ward to give birth, but last week we didn’t have time.

The ambulance brought in a 15-year-old girl with bad stomach cramps. She had a baby-faced boyfriend, like a wannabe teen-dad Alfie. She was also unequivocally pregnant. She wasn’t even fat. Just pregnant, and exercising a stupendous power of denial.

Despite swelling breasts, 28 pounds, and a lack of periods, some women suffer from pervasive denial leading to the one or two surprise births in the average A&E department each year. Classically it is a chubby teenage girl who gets bullied and had sex once in the dark with her friend’s acne-ridden older brother. She refuses to believe she is pregnant right through her contractions until, thinking her body is telling her to pee, she runs to the loo and delivers in the bog. A fine start in life. For that reason, savvy nurses often put chubby teenage girls in the waiting room on bog-birth watch.

This was the case with my pregnant girl. We rushed her straight to the examining room, leaving her child boyfriend outside. She wasn’t just having contractions but already crowning. With the baby’s head making a break for freedom it was too late to send her to maternity – she was going to give birth in A&E now. With no idea what they were for, I asked the nurse to fetch hot water and towels, because that’s what midwives do on TV, right?

I stood between her legs bracing myself for whatever was about to happen, desperately calling out for help from anyone else in A&E who had ever delivered a baby before. Panting and in pain, she called out for her boyfriend. I presumed someone had told him, but he was waiting outside, still thinking his girlfriend had a stomach bug. He finds out that, duh, you can get pregnant while having sex standing up or whatever other contraceptive stupidity he employed, by walking in to see a baby’s head popping out her vagina amidst the usual horror of blood, shit (almost all women shit themselves during delivery), and amniotic wibble.

He was understandably alarmed, not just by his imminent fatherhood but also seeing his girlfriend’s previously pretty teenage bits torn to shreds by this writhing alien invader, so we ushered him up to the head end where she was incredibly still refusing to believe what was happening, even though she was screaming in pain. She did a stellar job without any help from me or the registrar (aka boss), who had luckily turned up.

Within ten minutes, her body popped out a perfectly healthy boy. What had not even been known to exist a few minutes before was now looking up at me like a mini person with funny chubby arms and legs, and even I, cold-hearted bitch that I am, felt that choking emotional feeling.

I carried him up to meet his mum and she immediately declared, “This is not my baby.” Shocked, we reassured her it is her baby and she just gave birth to him, to which she replied, “It is not my baby, now please take it away.”

This is called disassociation and is quite common in women who suffer from pervasive denial of pregnancy. Nonetheless, it caused my warm gooey feeling to be swiftly replaced by the usual antipathy to the whole of humanity. I cleaned off the icky birth goop, wrapped him up and sent him off to the pediatrics department, who will look after him for two weeks while she chooses if she wants to keep him– after which, if statistics are anything to go by, he will most likely face a lifetime of care homes, juvenile detention, and teen fatherhood.

This blog was not as cheery as I first intended. Sorry about that.

DR. MONA MOORE

Comments

[Toby Keith's Uncle]

Well-written and heartbreaking. I still can't see how girls can go nine months without knowing they are pregnant. Is it real or wishful thinking?

[realdeal]

this is one of the more depressing entries ive seen here

[dietz nutz]

it's ok dr moore, because i'm still stuck on the whole shitting bit. i had no clue most women shit themselves during labor...that will be forever embedded in my mind.

[louuu]

:(
didn't her bf notice her enormous preggo gut? i hate stories like these. and i hate teenagers.

[NachoCheesier]

The shitting all over themselves thing is intriguing. Do they ever have explosive diarrhea? Now that would be something.

[goddamn]

I wonder if this girl is so delusional that she legitamtely beleives the baby isnt heres. how do you 9 months without realizing your pregnant??

[thedon]

this article makes me wanna compltely loose faith in humanity

[Em Azing]

to answer these silly questions about "how did she not know?"
1 she probably came into the world in the same (or close to the same) way
2 obviously her parents are morons (assuming she knows them) and never taught her ANYTHING about ANYTHING
3 it was probably easier to be in denial than to try to quit her hourly crack induced meth binges, which might be what got her into this mess in the first place.

fucking tragic

[thedon]

if was a 15 year old moron who couldnt tell his girl was pregnant, then walked into a room and saw a baby stick out of her, i would most likely freak out.

[Jb]

The shitting fact is totally fucking true. What happens is the intestines pretty much push out anything in it to make room for the 8 lbs of trouble coming out the vagoo. Like emptying a tube of toothpaste, except vile and humiliating.

[@Em Azing]

"to answer these silly questions about "how did she not know?"
1 she probably came into the world in the same (or close to the same) way"

You're saying she remembers being born as a surprise? AND if so, then wouldn't she be all the more aware?

[Danimal]

One of the fine programs broadcasted by cable network TLC (in between shows about people who have more children than they have good sense) is "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant", a series of re-enactments of pregnant women....you guessed it....not knowing they were pregnant. The part that I've seen avoids teenage moron-moms out of decency, but it still manages to be one of the most unintentionally entertaining offerings in the basic-cable galaxy of shows.

Great entry as usual, Doc Mona, too bad you had a usher a shitty (both literally and figurativly) life into the world.

[shit soaked vaginas]

that young bitch needs a slap in the face and a punch in the blood and shit-soaked crotch.

babies having babies is gonna destroy us.

Raise that little girl to know her moms a poor excuse for a human being.

I mean, unless of course mommy dearest changes her mind... then i take it all back.
well not all of it.

[JLar]

The smell of placenta in the delivery room is something I will never forget. A very earthy, bloody smell- not entirely unpleasant, just unlike anything else you have ever smelled.

[wolfpck]

During pushing and delivery, your baby's head will begin to make an appearance through your vaginal opening with each contraction. When your baby's head remains visible and does not slip back in, it is known as crowning.

[dinkle]

i love this column. different perspectives like these are what makes vice great

[Lior]

Ewe gross

[liar]

what the fuck is A and E???

[Paul]

As I am reading this, my 3 weeks old son is falling asleep on my chest. We did a home delivery and it was such an amazing experience which brought us so much joy. The gift of life is amazing! As dad I actually got to cut the chord and I was part of the whole process. My heart goes out to that baby and even though I feel like condemning that girl, do do feel very sorry for her as well. Almost unthinkable that a woman would deny her child. I want to believe there is hope, even for a child that was born like that.

A and E is Ambulance and Emergency probably.