HEY RON! - MY FUTURE WIFEY MIGHT BE A PORN QUEEN

Holy fucking guacamole! This installment of Hey Ron! addresses a man who thinks he’s discovered that the lady he’s engaged to has sex on film for money. Ron sets our buddy straight and manages to teach us a thing or two about the ways of the heart in the process.

Hey Ron!

I was surfing through the internet the other night looking for some really good porn, and I stumbled across a video that I'm 99 percent certain features my fiancée, who I’ve been seeing for three years. I watched in disgust as she was defiled by two men on either side of her and almost threw my monitor across the room. She is on vacation right now, and I haven't said anything to her yet. What should I do? If it's her I need to know, but if it's not her she will be so offended she might break up with me (and she'll know that I look at porn!). Anyway, if it turns out to be her and she owns up to the fact, do you think there's any chance of working things out?

First things first: You looking at porn means you’re not getting satisfied at home, and if she is doing porn she’s definitely not getting satisfied at home. Porn can be addicting to the point that you forget, you lose love, and you think more about lust. Sex should be more about lovemaking, not lustmaking.

If it is her in the porno and you somehow manage to work this out, you better get a partner because you alone are not doing the job. You’re in a lose-lose situation. Find someone who only needs one man and make the best of your life.

If it’s not her and you accuse her of it, then she’s going to be mad at you for watching porn and thinking that she’s not enough for you. And if she thinks that she’s not enough for you, and that this is what you do on the side, she’s not going to be happy with you anyway. Either way, you’re in a situation not too many guys want to be in. Personally, I’d cut my losses and try to find someone else because if it is her you lose and if it’s not her and she finds out you’re jacking off to porno, you lose. Unless she’s a freak. If she’s a freak, then you’re alright. And if she’s a closet freak, maybe this will bring it out in her. Then everyone’s happy.

Love,
Ron

Comments

[Anon]

Hold up. I thought everyone jacked off to porn.

[comeon]

forgot about it. there are worse things than being married to a porn star.

[Kamper]

If she's any good you should become her manager and make a buck or two.

[let us in]

whered you find the video?

[allen]

as long as she's done with it and your hotdog doesn't feel like it's in a hallway then why ruin a perfectly good thing?

[Pyoo]

Joanna Angel must be Pepe Lepew's favorite porn star.

[skeletons]

come on, we all have SOME secrets

[The Host]

If you're going to cut her loose you may as well find out if she's a freak or not first. If she did porno then the answer is apparent. If she didn't, who knows, maybe she's down. At least hedge your odds and you could end up with another couple weeks of the freakiest sex you've ever had.

[fisg]

what kind of girl would get mad at you for watching porn? are you a fucking mormon?

[Shana]

I totally agree if you are looking at that stuff you're not being satisfied. I'd feel like i'm not doing my job right if I found out my man was watching porn. And i've noticed I only watch porn when i'm not having sex, for a really long time.

[nick tangent]

only thing you can do is watch it over and over and over again, and cry, and masturbate until she gets home, sex her up whilst trying the dirtiest methods you saw in the film (unless you're a pussy) and then you'll know for sure. if she's a fish outta water, good. if it's the best sex ever and she IS a porn star, well, even better. just need to figure out how to hold her down. and if you don't love her anymore, dump her, obviously.

[Paolo]

I love the outrage!!! Yeah its ok to watch porn and masturbate, and no your girlfriend has no right to be mad when she finds out. Self actualized chicks will let you do it while they're in the room.

[smearcampaign]

sometimes i watch porn to find out new positions that i never thought up in my wildest wet dreams

[Ripley]

"You looking at porn means you’re not getting satisfied at home"

What the fuck? Dan Savage been around long enough, nobody should be this dumb anymore.

[paj]

"She'll know that I look at porn!"

She knows you look at porn, because she knows you're a man.

[paj]

I look at porn whether I'm having regular sex or not.

[gomer style]

@Ripley: Believe it or not, you're an asshole who's completely missing the point.

[Bob]

You better ask her up front if it's her. What's the worse that could happen? She dumps you? Who cares? If she does that she ain't worth being with in the first place. You don't marry a woman that is that shallow anyways.

[really?]

so wait your saying if its not her she is gonna be upset your watching porno? WOULDNT she be more upset you accused her of doing porn. watching people fuck is one thing. not knowing your fiancee enough to have to accuse her of doing porn is something else entirely.

[Mike]

"Hey, you gotta see this porn with this girl who looks JUST LIKE YOU."

If she runs out screaming and/or crying, you know. Ask Mike.

[Tony]

"Just say a friend of yours saw a porno and the actress looked just like you! Isn't that crazy! I guess that's a compliment, because your so hot, but damn!"

The keys to lying: blame someone else, claim incredulity at the result, compliment her.

Cut and paste. Done.

[jonathan hunt]

i had no idea ron was such a fag

[jermajesty]

I say we refer to "Jacked off" at "Ronned off" from this point forward.

Like, I am gonna go RON OFF right now.

ohHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[the flammer]

What, you can't use the excuse " Hey I was looking at porn because you were on vacation "

[john]

Pretty solid answer and comments to a fake question. Post that shit on FML while you're at it, you clever masturbator, you.