HEY RON! - DON'T EAT WHERE YOU SHIT

Being "laid off" is your free ticket to the funnest summer you're going to have in a long time. But what happens when you're fired, and solely because your boss is jealous of the inter-office trim you're getting? Ron's got the answer. 

Hey Ron!
I've got a serious problem. I was just fired from my job as a sales associate at a major television network. My sales numbers have consistently been in the top five for the last three years and I keep to myself at work, so when my boss told me I was being let go because of my "attitude" it came as a bit of a shock. What I think really happened was that I was briefly dating a girl in the office who I think he wants to screw. We stopped seeing each other over a month ago, but I heard he just caught wind of it. The boss and I have had a good rapport since I've been here, so I really think he's full of shit. He would not elaborate when I asked him what he meant by my "attitude" and was pretty much a giant dick about the whole thing. I'm already looking into legal action, but I need some short-term satisfaction. Ron, how do I get back at this turd?

The best way to get back at anyone, whether it be an employer or girlfriend, is to always do it better. If I date a fine girl who dumps me, I'm going to find a finer girl with more money and a bigger car and drive around and let her see how well I’m doing. If it’s a job, I’m going to find a bigger and better employer so he can see the mistakes he made. Their loss, my gain. That’s the best kind of advice, because in most industries like that everyone knows each other. So if you go out and damage him it is only going to hurt you in the long run and you don’t want that. It’s like VICE--if someone leaves here and goes somewhere else it's probably because the people knew who they were and knew VICE. You don’t want to damage VICE after you go someplace else because you may be back. So the best part about that: You can come back for more money! It’s like, “Show me the money. You had me when you had me and then you lost me, and now you want me back. That’s going to cost you because I was in your top five.”

Now if you were in the bottom five, I say, hell, go all out on them because you have nothing to lose. Still, getting back at him isn't really going to help because you won't get a reference. Get your job first. If you scratch his car or send anonymous emails he’s going to blame you and you’re not going to get a letter of recommendation. The sad part is that you can’t really go after him without damaging yourself.

But if you still want to play hardball my advice is to get other people do it a few months later when he's not around. If he is seeing that girl and he broke it up with her, she’ll go back to you. That's when you leave your mark. Then dump her ass and she'll go back to him. If you get word of that, just show up at his office one day and say, “How does it taste?”

Love,
Ron

Comments

[Biff]

You could always have someone else that hates him that still works there start a rumor about you having an STD. If he is actually fucking your old girl, he'll think twice about it for sure then. Let him sweat out a HIV test. It's more than fair for firing you.

[badtiming]

Probably not the best time to be getting revenge on your former boss

[oneup]

Better yet, have someone start a rumour that he has an STD. lets see him try to bang that chick when she finds out hes got herpes

[oddcheese]

you know what? fuck being scared. you go over to that asshole's house and light it on fucking fire. fuck him.

[payback]

just wait a couple weeks, then catch him coming out of work and kick him in the nuts. he'll never see it coming!!!

[duck duck goose]

i think you might have a good shot at litigation against this asshole. wait until he goes for your ex. if you're still on relatively good terms, which i'm guessing you are or one of you would have left the company before this, then she will either a) reject him and tell you or b) accept and break up with him too. either way, if she tells you he went for her after firing you you should have quite the case. approach the hr person and the manager above him with this info. see what they do. you could end up with a few years off and getting your girl back too.

[Anon]

He'll have to give you a good recommendation if he knows you know he wants in the girl's pants. Let him give you high marks, but as soon as you get the job, it's time for payback. Like the saying goes, payback IS a bitch. That's the point. So, you need do think this through. You know him so you should know better than any of us what will hurt him the most. Don't do something that will get you arrested. One thing I always enjoy leaving shitheads with is an upper decker. It just feels so nice walking out after leaving a part of yourself for them to clean up.

[Rachel Ray]

IT TASTES LIKE PUSSAYYYYY...YUMMO!

[ohlala]

I love that photo of Ron saying "Hey, Ron!" . ADORABLE

[saywhaaaa]

...wait...Ron's black?

[oddcheese]

@saywhaaaa: and ted kennedy's white. learn how to see.

[Mercenaries.com]

As always, solid advice from Ron. Also, I would consider Duck Duck Gooses' suggestion as well and look into statutes from your state's labor commission they are pretty clear about what consititues an illegal termination.

[balls]

"how does it taste?" that is one of the best lines ive ever heard. good work.

[Cuthbert]

Listen dude. Call me. I can fuck that guy over for you no problem. Nice and quiet. I call him a little visit. Me and my friends. We take him somewhere nice and quiet. We don't hurt him too much too early. Just a few little kicks here and there and maybe a fist in his nose so he gets to taste his own blood - and taste what is coming.

Then, first, we drop him his trousers. We apanky, spanky, spanky his naughty bottom. We spanky,spanky,spanky until it's red and big weals are standing out on the back of it and he's begging for no more and it's just at that moment then that I surprise him from the front and bite off his penis for him.

Ouch!

Then we cook the penis over a stove and serve it up with garlic and thyme and wine while he watching. Oh and for good measure we invite your old girlfriend round to eat it. And I am shouting now: "That's what you wanted all along you fucker, isn't it? That's what you fucking wanted. Be careful fucker because dreams come true sometimes."

Then I kill him with knives.

Sound like a plan, no?

Call me!

[vanessa]

oh man ron you are so fuckin smart you scare the shit out if me

[vanessa]

of me
see! im so scared i cant even type anymore!