My girlfriend's always bitching about how I’m not romantic and I never surprise her, so a little while ago I decided I’d kill two birds with one stone: a romantic surprise. I hid in her closet and when she got home from work I jumped out. “I love you!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. But did it make her happy? Nope. I’m a great boyfriend, so I keep trying. She'd told me that as a child, Mickey Rourke had always been her favorite actor, so I recreated a few scenes from some of his most romantic movies, all for her arousal and sensual delight.
On Monday night we were going out to see My Sister’s Keeper and if you think it’s easy getting your dick through the bottom of a popcorn bag, think again. I actually had to take the whole thing into the bathroom and ram my car keys through the bottom a few times before I could get the hole big enough. And once your cock is in the there, good luck keeping it hard when you've got salted butter stinging your pee-hole. On top of all that, you have to answer questions like “Why’d you take the popcorn into the bathroom?”
“I don’t need you eating the whole thing while I’m taking a shit," I hissed, my dick wilting like spinach on a skillet. That must've made her feel bad, because when I returned I had to speed her up by telling her, "Hurry, eat more popcorn!”
A couple days later, while my lady was at work, I set everything up in her kitchen to be just like the scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where they have their “sensual” midnight snack of whipped cream and jam and shit while rolling around naked on the kitchen floor. But a person gets bored of waiting for his girlfriend to get home from work--and hungry, too. My girlfriend walked in and found me fast asleep on her kitchen floor with half a tuna sandwich in my fist.
Last night it was do or die. I was going to recreate that scene in Angel Heart where Mickey really gives it to Lisa Bonet voodoo style, but surfing around for it on YouTube, I got sucked in to an episode of A Different World. It was the one where Whitley makes out with Dwayne Wayne. Man, that girl was one sexy stuck-up piece of ass. Before I knew it, I was hurling my pants across my girlfriend's living room and choking the cheesesteak for all I was worth. I was so into it I didn't even notice that she'd come home from work early and was standing in the doorway. "Surprise," I said, offering the Kleenex in my hand for her tears.
STUART R. BERNSTEIN