CANADA - A DICK LIKE MICKEY'S

My girlfriend's always bitching about how I’m not romantic and I never surprise her, so a little while ago I decided I’d kill two birds with one stone: a romantic surprise. I hid in her closet and when she got home from work I jumped out. “I love you!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. But did it make her happy? Nope. I’m a great boyfriend, so I keep trying. She'd told me that as a child, Mickey Rourke had always been her favorite actor, so I recreated a few scenes from some of his most romantic movies, all for her arousal and sensual delight.

 

On Monday night we were going out to see My Sister’s Keeper and if you think it’s easy getting your dick through the bottom of a popcorn bag, think again. I actually had to take the whole thing into the bathroom and ram my car keys through the bottom a few times before I could get the hole big enough. And once your cock is in the there, good luck keeping it hard when you've got salted butter stinging your pee-hole. On top of all that, you have to answer questions like “Why’d you take the popcorn into the bathroom?”
 
“I don’t need you eating the whole thing while I’m taking a shit," I hissed, my dick wilting like spinach on a skillet. That must've made her feel bad, because when I returned I had to speed her up by telling her, "Hurry, eat more popcorn!”  

A couple days later, while my lady was at work, I set everything up in her  kitchen to be just like the scene in 9 1/2 Weeks  where they have their “sensual” midnight snack of whipped cream and jam and shit while rolling around naked on the kitchen floor. But a person gets bored of waiting for his girlfriend to get home from work--and hungry, too. My girlfriend walked in and found me fast asleep on her kitchen floor with half a tuna sandwich in my fist. 
 

Last night it was do or die. I was going to recreate that scene in Angel Heart where Mickey really gives it to Lisa Bonet voodoo style, but surfing around for it on YouTube, I got sucked in to an episode of A Different World.  It was the one where Whitley makes out with Dwayne Wayne. Man, that girl was one sexy stuck-up piece of ass. Before I knew it, I was hurling my pants across my girlfriend's living room and choking the cheesesteak for all I was worth. I was so into it I didn't even notice that she'd come home from work early and was standing in the doorway. "Surprise," I said, offering the Kleenex in my hand for her tears.

STUART R. BERNSTEIN

Comments

[filbert]

you suck

[lisa]

I wouldnt be surprised if you got dumped very soon

[jamesbond]

none of those are romantic!! they are just just kind of pirvy...

[olga]

i had forgotten mickey rourke used to look like this. i don't understand how your face can change that much in 20 years.

[Toby Keith's Uncle]

I don't believe the end. Even when there is no one in the house there is a little man in your head listening to every tiny sound making sure you have time to make a mad dash of looking like everything is perfectly normal.

[snora]

so you've never been caught masturbating then? and it's fair to assume that no one else has either?

[I Get A Hard On for Coco Puffs]

Cheer up guy. At least you got to finish.

[ha]

I don’t need you eating the whole thing while I’m taking a shit!

[zab judah]

Toby Kieth's Uncle: Agreed.

[daniel]

yeah, fuck the wall street journal. I read the vice blogs for all of my factual reportage.

[beth]

hahahaha this fucking rocks