BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - DOCTORS CAN'T HELP YOU

You think doctors know what they’re doing? Well, it’s a myth. A lot of the time I have no idea what is wrong with my patient. The higher I progress in the medical profession, the more I realize that half of being a doctor is saying things with authority and hoping my patient doesn’t die–which most of the time works. The ones that do die would probably have died no matter what I did.

You expect me to be omniscient. You expect to show me your gammy rash and for me to tell you without a thought whether you have syphilis or if it is just a spot of carpet burn, you moron. You present your little finger to me forlornly, tell me it hurts, and wait for me to explain your pain away. Yes, sometimes I know what is wrong and can fix it, but other times the body just doesn’t work properly. I can give you a medical name for it if it will make you feel better, but often a diagnosis is just good speculation.

I have just done a set of exams, which means for my next job I am qualified to take a higher position. Other doctors will turn to me when they don’t know the answers. But I don’t think I want the responsibility. Medicine is an imperfect science. Sometimes a chest infection can look like fluid on the lungs and vice versa. Except for one you give more fluids and for the other you take fluids away. It can be a matter of life and death. When I don’t know what to do, I can ask someone more senior. What do I do if that someone more senior is me?

I would never let it show on the hospital floor, but often I am shit-scared about what I do on a day-to-day basis. Often I feel I am a little girl playing make-believe. Or that a fancy-dress nightmare has led to me being mistaken for a doctor and at any moment the terrible truth will emerge that I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. Everyone in the ward will turn around and point and laugh at me for thinking that I am actually competent enough to practice medicine.

Deep down I know I haven’t actually been mocked and thrown out of the hospital. I haven’t actually killed anyone. I haven’t actually made any deadly mistakes. I’m actually a shit-hot doctor. My colleagues praise my skills. I pass all my exams. I am offered a choice of good jobs. And I am not the only doctor who has moments of self-doubt. The irony is that the better doctor you are, the quicker you are to acknowledge that you don’t know what is wrong. Arrogant doctors make rash, cocksure decisions, which lead to more mistakes. Junior doctors want to prove themselves by diagnosing a problem immediately, at the expense of further investigation. The most skilled doctors admit when they are unsure and therefore are most thorough. In A&E it is all about stopping someone from dying for long enough that you can figure out why they’re dying. Each patient is like a puzzle full of clues, some misleading. The joy of the job is solving the puzzle. But it’s hardly the Sunday crossword. The Sunday crossword won’t come back and sue you. And if you can’t do it, you don’t have to tell the Sunday crossword’s mother that it’s dead.

DR. MONA MOORE

Comments

[SearsPoncho]

I'm glad you questions things like this. I don't want a doctor that's going to take my life and his or her skills for granted. Fuck that. I want doctors to give a shit and be worried.

[dimmz]

are those bloody boxers on the left? what the fuck happened here?

[humorme]

I like to think my doctors always know what theyre talking about. i know they dont, but i like to think they do.

[ouch]

sounds like she was having a tough day.

[doctor doctor]

I have friends who are studying medicine and they work really hard at trying to get everything into their heads, there is so much that can go wrong that to expect a doctor to be able to diagnose on the spot what is wrong is pretty unreasonable, unless its something super obvious.

[cross words]

the constant worry of making a mistake and being sued would be too much for me. think i will stick to the crosswords, which is frustrating enough.

[proper attire]

looks like the people in the photo are wearing socks? that cant be hospital uniform?

[Steel Table Blues]

I appreciate the difficulty and understand the vulnerability here, but that's why doctors get paid the bucks. we pour our an enormous portion of our wages into the health system so we can trust the expertise of these professionals.

[Dr Duh]

This article is absolute nonsense. Doctors, like Mechanics and other skilled proffesionals are trained to be problem solvers, eliminate the symptoms until you find the cause. This person is a buffoon and should be a Barista instead of a medical "professional". Idiot.

[A Human Bean]

As a wise Dr's wife once said to me "Why do you think they call them practicing physicians?"

[buttheadfacearsefacehead]

This woman is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING (sorry about the caps)

I've been saying it since the first column she wrote for you guys 100,00000 years ago but holy fuck

book book book book book asap

lady you can fucking WRITE

[Tubba Botox]

scio me nihil scire...

[Jamie]

agreed. Docs and modern medecine know much less than we want or believe them to. We like to think we can rely on these things for good health, but honestly you have to take year health into your own hands, watch what you consume and eat, mostly, as well as the rest and exercise and air you are breathing. Unless you have a chronic illness or are in some kind of accident, don't wait till you have to use one of these guys to worry about your health -by the time you get there its already too late and the meds might make it worse. Bottom line: don't truse docs with your health.

[anon]

@buttheadfacearsefacehead - totally agree. this is my favorite vice column. fantastic writing! would love an full book (and not just a collection of these pieces) - get on it vice!

[Ajlouny]

Interesting to get some insight into the mind of a doctor. Always wondered if they felt human or acted as god.