THE INTERNET - A PLACE FOR GOOD IDEAS

Following up on Chris Nieratko's bullishly optimistic rundown of those unfiled patents in our Technology Issue, someone showed us this site. This isn't one of those clever catch-alls that pretends things are real in order to highlight the gullibility of its readers while simultaneously illustrating its readers' low estimation of human intelligence, in doing so holding up a mirror to the mad, mad world we live in (at least I hope it's not, otherwise I'm a dunce). This is just a load of real patents for things that are so unnecessary they will make your brain bleed out your nose from exhaustion. Here are a few selections from the terrifyingly extensive collection of patents that were processed. 

 

Hmm, the top section, designed to keep the cereal dry, seems to be doing the same job as any cereal box does. Now, I am no physicist, and of course I am not an inventor of any kind, but to my humble cretinous eyes, this looks like it might just tip over if nudged in the slightest. And if you are all about keeping your cereal beautiful and crunchy, the last thing you'd want is to be eating it off the floor.

I'm guessing this is a pedophile ghillie suit for sex offenders operating in the Cape of Good Hope. This allows them to creep close to ramshackle schools, emulating the gait of an ostrich, before pouncing on small children. I am frankly shocked that the patent board would sanction such a dishonest approach to pederasty.

This is great for all those people who can't get enough of the smell of dog shit and farts. You just strap your buddy to your tits and wander about with it. This makes so much more sense than a leash, one must ponder why anyone ever came up with a leash in the first place. Idiots.

BRUCE LA VRAI

Comments

[Toby Keith's Uncle]

You mean you've never siphoned shit before? Man, you guys are missing out.

[Tara]

Didn't you notice the part where you fill the bottom with sand to keep it from tipping over? God, get with the program.

[lee harvey griswald]

the cricket gun may be absurd but that doesn't mean it's not awesome. in fact, there is a large overlap of absurd and awesome in everything in life.

[grady]

oh, i get it. so you can go on a walk and leave your dog caged up to torture him. nice one.

[capincrunch]

keep the cereal dry?? i like my cereal nice and soggy!

[randyy]

the goose costume would make a killer rain coat.... just saying

[Yancy]

It amazes me that people that can draw such nice diagrams can be such fucking idiots.

[Sears Poncho]

At first I was thinking the toilet one could be used for bulimic girls so they don't get vomit on the toilet rim. Reverse engineering, in a way.

[Theo B.]

I have unfortunately seen the stud glasses. Worse still, it was the type that pierced the bridge of the nose. Seeing that abomination semi-surgically attached to my friends face makes me question my standards for friends.

[NFL Jerseys Custom]

Enjoyable thread and a fantastic way of writing. Thanks for the share and video. Hail to comedians and party attendants.