Following up on Chris Nieratko's bullishly optimistic rundown of those unfiled patents in our Technology Issue, someone showed us this site. This isn't one of those clever catch-alls that pretends things are real in order to highlight the gullibility of its readers while simultaneously illustrating its readers' low estimation of human intelligence, in doing so holding up a mirror to the mad, mad world we live in (at least I hope it's not, otherwise I'm a dunce). This is just a load of real patents for things that are so unnecessary they will make your brain bleed out your nose from exhaustion. Here are a few selections from the terrifyingly extensive collection of patents that were processed.
Hmm, the top section, designed to keep the cereal dry, seems to be doing the same job as any cereal box does. Now, I am no physicist, and of course I am not an inventor of any kind, but to my humble cretinous eyes, this looks like it might just tip over if nudged in the slightest. And if you are all about keeping your cereal beautiful and crunchy, the last thing you'd want is to be eating it off the floor.
I'm guessing this is a pedophile ghillie suit for sex offenders operating in the Cape of Good Hope. This allows them to creep close to ramshackle schools, emulating the gait of an ostrich, before pouncing on small children. I am frankly shocked that the patent board would sanction such a dishonest approach to pederasty.
This is great for all those people who can't get enough of the smell of dog shit and farts. You just strap your buddy to your tits and wander about with it. This makes so much more sense than a leash, one must ponder why anyone ever came up with a leash in the first place. Idiots.
BRUCE LA VRAI