If you live in New York (or any big city for that matter), you know how much of a bummer weed-delivery guys can be. They're always showing up late, skimping you on the weight, and are generally pretty miserable human beings. But not Sneaky Leaf, our resident "guy" with Santa Claus-sized sacks full of marijuana. He shows up on time (and has the courtesy to call you if he's going to be even five minutes late), has a multitude of varieties to choose from, offers referral discounts, and is just one hell of a nice guy. So one day when we were buying something with a name like Blueberry Pink Skullcrusher 2000X Beast Stink Marmaduke Midge Tickler, we said, "Hey, Sneaky Leaf, why don't you write a column that simultaneously expounds your weed buff tendencies while exploring your undoubtedly interesting backlog of drug-dealing stories?" And to our surprise he said, "Sure." So here it is... the first installment of Sneaky Leaf's Diary of a Dealer. Enjoy!
Alana tried to mask the sound of her roommate having sex with her boyfriend by turning up the stereo, but they were only a few feet away from us, separated only by thin dilapidated sheet rock, in this tiny two bedroom Brooklyn apartment. Alana and I could hear every moan her roommate Zoe made as Alana looked over seven different bags of weed that I placed on her coffee table. The top strains I had were Northern Lights #5, Herer Haze, and Sour Diesel.
Northern Lights #5 is a completely different experience than Northern Lights. NL #5 has much more ethereal, elegant, cerebral expansion than NL. Northern Lights was a Pacific Northwest Indica dominated plant that was crossed with a sweet, floaty, Highland Thai strain. That indica base with the expansive Thai is a gorgeous combination!
I am seeing, amongst my connoisseur clients, a kind of “diesel fatigue.” The market is just flooded with commercial grow-op product and these connoisseurs are in search of diversity. Northern Lights #5, if grown to maturity, can surpass Sour Diesel in strength of stony-ness! Since it’s a whole lot cheaper than S.D., I’m surprised not to see more of it on the market. Still, Sour D’s aromatic charm is hard to beat, and it outsells everything in NYC!
This beautiful girl, Alana, who I have a crush on, chooses two bags of Northern Lights #5. She keeps blushing every time her roommate Zoe lets out these soft, sexy moans, as her boyfriend chows down on her pussy, or whatever else is going on in there.... My next client isn’t expecting me for another 45 minutes, so I offer to roll up a joint, and we share one. I’m smoking up all of my profits, but I completely don’t give a fuck right now. I would love to hang out with this girl, and laugh and get crazy—whatever!—with her even if I was her weed dealer.
Incidentally, this scenario is weed dealer dream time. Awesome, sweet, funny cool as shit girls—one buying weed, the other having sex—and then, I swear to fucking God, whatever she or he, or it may be, or not be, the girl orgasming through the walls opens her bedroom door and walks out naked except for a skimpy towel that she is holding over her tits! Which was hilarious, because we could see everything from the side. I couldn’t believe because she slowly bent down over me, softly kissed me on the lips and walked away to get a drink of water from the kitchen, and went right back into her room to have more sex with her boyfriend. Both girls were cracking up laughing as this happened.
I kept searching Alana’s face for some sign that she wanted to make out with me or something . . . but that sign wasn’t there. She was the more conservative of the two, and I didn’t want to be late for my next client.
It’s really funny smoking weed with sweet people, but now I’m super stinky and am fucked should I be pulled over right now. The smell of that premium ganja would be enough for the police to search the car with legal impunity.
I make it to the next stop and I’m curious about this dude’s reaction to the menu. This guy is a real aficionado, a longtime smoker, a quarter-to-half-ounce buying dream client. He’s exactly the kind of client who’s been familiar with Sour Diesel for years. These guys are still huge cult fans of Sour Diesel, but they’re just hungry for some exotic alternatives. He smokes a bowl of NL #5 and Sour Diesel and takes an ounce comprised of both NL #5 and Sour Diesel. Crispy bills, perfect count, on-point professional dude!
He’s got the “diesel fatigue” though. It’s just not as exotic as it was a few years ago. Only connoisseur growers used to grow this shit. Now a lot of monsters who’re only in it for the money are growing some weird versions of this classic. Fifty to 60 percent of the Diesels I see on the market are a mess! You really have to be selective. And never pay Sour Diesel prices for NYC Diesel. Unscrupulous cats market NYC Diesel for Sour Diesel prices. Don’t be fooled—a pound of NYC Diesel is about $2,000 dollars less than Sour Diesel!