NEW YORK - CRIMINAL FOOD

Fruit is not ever dangerous and gross. Fruit has always been special, biblical bacchanalia, an exotic chow vacation for sexy adventure people who wear no clothes and allow melon seeds to drip down their chins into their bellybuttons. Fruit is like a rainbow; fruit is a healthy spiritual treat. Fruit is a nourishing miracle of color, so often depicted in oils by the great master painters. Fruit is not a halitosis grenade and it shouldn't make your mouth smell like a moldy iguana wearing dirty jean shorts.

My brother's name’s Darian, and at times, upon a first introduction, he’s been misheard as “Durian.” As two rubes from West Virginia, we had nary an awareness to stink melon existence and had to investigate his counter-factual namesake via internet. We discovered not only was durian illegal to eat in some parts of the world, its odor was over and over described as a cross essence of infectious furuncled rotten throw-up sulphury amphibious feculent toe jam. It is so malodorous and unpleasant, it is a criminal food that gathers mobs of citizens to vomit upon encountering its peculiar fetid curdle of repugnance. Once open, its putridity lures beasts from the wilderness to come lurking for the stench.

We recently purchased “the king of fruits," which was frightfully spiky, like a poop ball ejected from a prehistoric psychedelic Skeletor butthole. Behold Darian as he behelds the great durian.

    

He wore surgical gloves ‘cause we heard the stink lingers like fingering cancerous monkey pussy. And the monkey smokes Basics. Menthol.

The texture is weird, like custardy jelly flesh, uniformly slippery, nestled in the crags like fresh abortion. Medusa's uterus. Jiggly, though crusty. Underpantsy!

Our mom went in for a sniff. We were hoping to crave the grotesque odor like the hungry wild beasts we had read about. But, bummer, it wasn’t as stinky as we were hoping for. On a scale of stink, I’d give it a 3. A subtle blend of milk breath, crotch, and “Dang, clean your Gila monster's cage, dude.” But, on the upside, if you eat it, you get all these special flavors and fantastically beyond bad bad breath. Now I know what burning AIDS inside a pigeon cage smells like. My mouth, post-durian.

ADRIANE SCHRAMM

Comments

[nathan]

it resembles a herpes-infected vag with a blowfish outer shell, overall a pretty neat look.

[prodoose]

I have seen this fruit!! on a trip to thailand they had it, along with many other weird fruits and vegetables. asian produce is weird.

[zaterains]

yeah, i've heard of this stuff. think i've seen it being sold in chinatown. mmm stinky melon

[bacos]

it's not an rabid animal and nothing is bleeding. what the hell are the gloves for man

[stinkin fruit]

look at the mom dive in there for a big whiff, holding the arm with both hands, she enjoys the smell of monkey uterus. I was hoping to see vomiting and pain. the king of fruits has let me down.

[wheres the stink melon]

some of the most descriptive writing ive read in ages, felt i was there. still when it doesnt delive the pungent hit, you have to be a bit let down.

[anonymous]

i remember when my friend switched to basics. he figured if he's going to give himself cancer, he may as well do it cheaply. guess he has the same sense of logic as a festering ball of putrid fruit.

[Monkeybags]

Love this fruit. Always put in on top of my yoghurt.

[fargo]

what country is so fucked that they bothered to outlaw a fruit? dont they have better things to worry about

[roman polanskeet]

It looks prehistoric

[Kelly]

I ordered a durian shake once, because a quick scan of the menu made me think it said DURAN. A duran duran flavored shake would have been more logical than the cup of feces that I was presented with. No good.

[yumyums]

food shouldnt smell bad. its unnatural. stay away from smelly food.

[kelso]

Durian! I always pass that shit in the Vietnamese markets and gag a bit. My family eats it

[ms. monkey]

don't finger my monkey pussy!

[clap shitty]

Go to SE Asia to eat the real shit. If you buy it in America it's been frozen on the journey over here, which kills the flavor but leaves the smell. No durian has ever been able to grow in America (they tried in Florida, but failed). I love durian.

[katiebang]

ive eaten that before... almost cried

[Chester Cheswick]

Yer fucked. Durian is the king of fruits. It's fantastic, tastes great, and once you're used to the smell, smells great, too. It's not illegal in any country, it's just banned from closed in spaces such as subways and airplanes. gut who wrote this sounds like an idiot.

[Shaw]

The durian has burned off Darian's sleeves!

[smhuhm]

the durian is the best food of all foods. well, it's number two (after the red fruit of papua)