MEET THE NIERATKOS - PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!

Well, I suppose I've hit my peak. It’s all downhill from here. VICE told me that the story of getting Daisy pregnant last week got the most hits ever for anything ever on the internets. Which I can only assume is because Mike Anderson has a huge fan base or people accidentally stumbled across my stupid story when googling Mark Gonzales. They suggested I do more “skate gossip.” I stared at them blankly with thoughts of murder in my heart.
Either way, I’ll never come close to attaining those numbers again. Well, this week I present to you a groundbreaking thesis statement: Porn chicks are duh! I’d go so far as to say SUPER DUH!

I hate to dispel any myths that the sexy women of celluloid are not the Harvard geniuses they appear to be when bent over the hood of an automobile, but the truth must be told. What kind of research went into this discovery, you ask?

I came up with the best name for a porno EVER and two out of three porn stars DID NOT love it. That is my scientific proof. It will be noted in reference journals the world over for all eternity.

Here it is. Ready?
A backyard barbecue-themed porno called: PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!
It’s effing great, right?
What’s better than that?
Nothing.

As soon as I had this brainstorm I emailed Kimberly Kane. Her response? “You think about porn even more than the pros.” That’s it. That’s all she said. No mention of my genius.

Like the wolf trying to eat the pigs I ran to Joanna Angel’s house and I huffed and I puffed and I got blown off.
“PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!” I screamed into the phone.
“It doesn’t even rhyme,” She said.
“FUCK YOU. It does so. They both end in the ee sound!”
Then she went and asked her porn star boyfriend what he thought. She came back and said he didn’t like it.
I told her, straight up, “Yous guys don’t know awesome. And I need to find myself a new circle of friends.”
Then I hung up.

I went to my wife, defeated, to tell her I hated everyone and everyone was stupid. She told me it was great idea. Because she knows that’s all I need to hear for me to leave her alone.

Hours later I couldn’t get out of my head how underwhelmed Joanna and Kimberly were. I made one last attempt at validation. I emailed Sasha Grey with the subject: “EMERGENCY!”

I explained my title idea and awaited her response. If she didn’t appreciate the awesome of PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE! (with the added idea of a mechanical, prodding dildo machine going into a girl’s parts while a guy’s penis is in her mouth and with a contraption that rotates the girl like a pig on a rotisserie!) then I would give up on humanity and jump off a bridge.
But that day a porn star saved my life. She emailed me back, “That’s awesome.”
And just then all was right with the world.
I told her she was a nice lady that understood genius. I also said she should come to my house and shove my baby’s new crib up her butt so that one day when he turns 18 I could have a funny story to tell him: “Boy, remember that white crib you had as a child…?”

Lately my dog Benny has been getting really into old Seinfeld episodes. It’s all he wants to watch. He’s even taken to adapting parts of Jerry’s routine to his life. He keeps us up late at night with his jokes, “Hey! I got another one. Whaddya think of this one?” So each week I plan to give you one of Benny’s jokes to help you get through the week. Here’s the first one:

“What’s the deal with birds? What’s up with them? I chase them and they fly away. What’s the deal? Really?”

CHRIS NIERATKO

Comments

[seinfeld hater]

I think that benny needs to work on his routine.

[karmasutra]

i think it got the most hits because of the blog photo of the girl. hot girl = lots of hits.

[molar]

maybe the hottest photo of sasha grey i have seen. she has a weird thing where some of the time she looks really attractive and some of the time she looks like a slack-jawed trailer dweller. the ass always looks good so at least that is fairly consistent. anyone seen her new flick? i heard it blew.

[baconbits]

i think the title could do without the "on" part. "Pussy Rotisserie". and then you can have a hog tied porn star on a giant silver platter (bondage style i guess?) with an apple gag in her mouth. now that's fucking genius.

[Benny should watch something better]

I should have just scrolled down to Benny. Reading that made me feel like I was listening to a drunk friend in the backseat of a car, my hands jerking the wheel just enough for him to hit his head on the window.

[tit]

Ropusserie?

[Mark from Torrance, CA]

thank god for the pics on this article.

[Nick Tangent]

Two words: Cooze Control. Like Thelma and Louise only with two horny sluts who love cock so much, it's the last thing they do before they die. Final scene is in a red convertible with obvious green screen displaying perpetual freefall. Money shot, bloody death. Joanna Angel, hit me up.

[poop]

I think your pornstar friends are getting bored with you.

[VIETNAME]

Sasha grey is the hottest possible pornstar her face was built for sex

[sorry]

I didnt like the name either

[Mike]

you have friends?

[hmmmm]

"I went to my wife, defeated, to tell her I hated everyone and everyone was stupid. She told me it was great idea." -- 'A' great idea, I think... maybe Vice should invest in some copy editors?

[dac]

God, you're a useless retard. It figures Sasha would humor you, not wanting to burn a publicity bridge.

[bj]

that last shit about your dog vs seinfeld was awesome.

[Andy]

"I need to find myself a new circle of friends"

Understatement of the year.

[jeff]

any more pics?

[Jesse Z.]

Sasha Grey can make anyone's day. Kinda feel like making my day right now.