HEY RON! - I AM NOT A GAME MASTER

Oh man. This week’s column is a dirty one involving a young man who can’t seem to please his lady friend. You’d have to be one giant stinking idiot to abstain from this smoking installment of Ron’s weekly dose of keeping it real.

Hey Ron!

I've been dating a girl for about three months now and I've got a little problem. I like her a lot, and I'm pretty sure she likes me a lot, but for the life of me I can't make her orgasm. I've never had this problem before, but you seem to do well with the ladies. How do I satisfy her?

It depends on how old you are. Between the ages of 18 and 25 you’re basically spittin’ out water anyway, so don’t put too much effort in trying to blow her brains out when you don’t have anything to blow her brains out with. Learn to master your game before you can master hers.

The object is to know what she likes and dislikes—not can you come or not, or your size. Size matters, but it doesn’t always help. You can be big, but if you last two minutes it ain’t going to happen. If you’re a little smaller but you put in twice as much work, she’s going to be a lot more gratified. What you really need to worry about is what you’re doing wrong, not all the things you’re doing right. If you’re not making it happen… bring a buddy.

To be honest I’m at a loss with this one because I never really had those issues growing up. I dealt with real women from the beginning. My first experience—well I’m not going to give you the details of my first because I was really, really, really young (she was around 13 and I was like 6 or 7). That doesn’t count because I could barely hold it and pee at the same time.

The next time it happened was when I was 13 and she was 19. Her name was Penny—a slim Spanish girl who was bad. It could pretty much be considered rape. But what guy would call that rape? You’d have to be pretty gay to have a grown woman at that age and say it was a crime. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t one of those weirdo schoolteacher-student situations—it was a grown woman who lived in my building. It was my 13th birthday, and that was my gift.

Since then, I always dealt with older women because they’re always more experienced. They’ll teach you a thing or two. That’s the best advice I can give.

Love,
Ron
(Email your quandaries for Ron here, and put Hey Ron! in the subject line.)

Comments

[Kirby Puckett]

Just fucking man up and ask if you don't know. Most girls like different stuff anyways so if you have any doubt at all ask. She'll appreciate it and you won't waste half an hour doing something neither of you are having fun with. The biggest thing is the better you make her feel the better she's going to make you feel. Live and learn and a little muff diving never hurts. Good luck, champ.

[shocker]

two in the pink, one in the stink

[thetruth]

"I've never had this happen to me before..." Are you sure?

[itchygitchyyahyah]

@shocker. god i haven't heard that one since highschool.

[louuu]

boys generally suck at that sort of thing

[karmasutra]

jesus ron, i thought i started young but daaaaaammmn you're on some other shit. 6/7 years old? wtf? i was still playing hide-n-go-seek and pulling pigtails at that age.

[toner boner]

yeah man i couldn't get it hard at 7

[alma!]

dam...im still a v and im 15...this stuff made me feel so bad about myself...but i go to an all girls school..so its my parents fault!
dude why cant she orgasm...cant she fake it to make you happy?
shes some tough lady to please!

[Oddmeal]

It's all about getting that tongue down south.

[goof fragrance]

don't EVER fake an orgasm ladies. it will just get worse over time because people think they're working your shit right when really they might as well stick it up your nose.

[Gordon]

Lick that ass. They love that. Like cats.

[silentbuttdeadly]

I was expecting ron to just say "Knuckle Up!".

[Bob]

Wow! Ron is the man! I wonder how many biology or physiology classes he's taken? Probably a whole lot!

[Global Sex Expert]

Just force anal I'm telling you it makes girls come EVERY TIME. Or try spitting on her face.

Or maybe just ask her, if you don't wanna be a man about it.

[olga]

not knuckle up. knuckle deep maybe.

[Young Missy]

Speaking from a woman's perspective, in the fit between man and woman, parts don't always line up the way we'd like. There can be a few inches between the clit and the vag opening, which means when he's poking there may be almost no hoodie contact, which can for some women mean no Big O.

Sometimes though, the woman has challenges - about the way she sees her body, the way she feels about sex, or how she enjoys sex with you. All that could get in the way of her letting go.

The big question is how she feels - does she care about having an O with you? If not, just go with that and be happy you can keep going without her finishing and pushing you off. If yes, well my friend, it's time to rethink your game...

[Big B]

Tongue up or shut up.

[mr. mr.]

@Young Missy: No guy wants to continually have sex with a girl who can't get off or one who is extremely stubborn about getting off. Guys will say they don't care, but after a while she'll tire of sex and it's obvious that she's just doing it to "make him happy." My advice is to dump her and be honest about why. If she has issues with her body or sex, she needs to figure them out before dating anyone. Also, please don't call it an "O." It sounds dumb.

[touch it]

I with Dear Abby was still alive so her and Ron could compare notes.

[Satan Davis Jr.]

You gotta take your time son. Lots of foreplay and kissing everywhere, then slowly SLOWLY work your way up to fucking her like a pneumatic machine. The following three positions are more likely than others to do the job: a) she's on her back with her legs up and then you on top; b) she's laying on her side with both legs in front of her, knee of top leg a little closer to her head, c) good ole doggy style. there's different variations to all these, but just make sure to take your time and not cum right away. when you're really about to, ram that shit hard for as long as you can and you're golden. also you can banjo her clit with your thumb while she's riding on top of you, that's bulletproof.

[Gary Fischer Price]

I just let my dog watch. Girls love and want to fuck puppies. If one is in the room you'll be damming up cooter dam with your jimmy, while the pup barks and females hear that bark as "ay papi"

[doobet]

@Gary Fischer Price: You are a sick summabitch.

[Dee BO]

$16.95 ... at the stag shop...

Its called a Rabbit. use That, and she wont care if you last a minute afterwards. And she may even make you a sandwich too!