HEY RON! - MY COWORKER IS A LOUDMOUTHED SLOB

Every office has one schmuck that everyone hates. He or she is either sweating all the time or complaining about a job/life predicament or just generally being an annoying bastard who gets paid to make you depressed at work. As always, our crack accounts receivable manager Ron is here to the rescue.

Hey Ron!

I don't like the guy I sit next to at work. He tries to talk to me all the time, eats stuff like pickled herring for lunch (at his desk!), and either farts all the time or has armpits that smell like assholes. My workplace is really white-collar and conservative, so I can't just tell him that he's a fucking fuckface and to leave me alone. Do you have any tips on how I can discreetly get the message across?

First thing I would do is try to talk to the guy and say, “Hey listen. Not to be offensive, but do you mind eating that food once a week or twice a week and not every day? Do you mind doing this when I’m out to lunch? While I’m talking to you about this, is there a way you can just not speak to me while I’m at work? I’m paid to work a certain number of hours, so let me work my hours. I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to get a job done. If you want friends, call your niece and nephew—you can talk to them all day. But leave me alone.”

Around Christmas time, buy the guy one of those all-in-all kits from Bed Bath & Beyond that comes with the deodorant and the bubble bath. And then you buy him an extra bar of deodorant, just to really push the point home, and throw some Tic-Tacs in there because I’m sure his breath stinks if his body stinks because he’s not taking care of his hygiene. Nobody wants to sit next to a person who smells like a wet dog. That is nasty.

Before Christmas, though, you could still give it to him and say, “Out of the kindness of my heart, I wanted to give this to you.” But if he asks what it's for, your answer depends on how honest you want to be. Personally, I think honesty is the best policy, but if you can’t fight and he’s a lot bigger than you, you don’t want to come to work the next day with a black eye. So you can just say to him, “My girlfriend works with this other girl who constantly stinks.” Bring it up to him as another scenario; see how he answers. And then say, “That person I was talking about? It’s really you.” You’d be surprised—some people don’t realize that they stink.

If it’s really uncomfortable, you go to Human Resources and say, “I’m having a little problem with this gentleman. I tried speaking to him several times and it is not working. I asked him to cut down on eating that food at his desk. His desk is not the cafeteria.” If it doesn’t work, then you leave notes on his desk: “I’ll see you after work.”

Love,
Ron

Comments

[Wes Beach]

There was one guy who worked at a production plant with me who smelled just horrible. The management eventually told him one day to "go home and take a shower" so he did. He quit a few days later I'm guessing from pure shame. I felt kinda sorry for him in a way but you gotta take care of your self.

[banger]

Knuckle up, then talk.

[yubii22]

Is that an ergonomic knee chair?

[tweet]

B

[olga]

oh shit for a minute i thought he was floating or had really strong toes.

[monica]

sweet king tut tattoo.

[Bob]

Wow! Another column where Ron talks about fighting again! He must be the toughest guy in the room or a huge pussy. Usually the guys who talk about fighting all the time are usually the ones who can't fight at all. You don't see guys who are trained fighter going around all the time talking about how they're gonna do this and that.

[TK]

I'm seriously going to behead the next person in my office that makes popcorn in the microwave. That is office no-no number one.

[@Bob]

That's all they talk about, numbnuts. Ever listen to a single Mike Tyson interview?

[dum-dums abound!]

@Bob: I personally know Ron and he is an 8th degree black belt. If you don't believe me, why don't you leave your phone number or email here so he can get in touch and prove it to you. He will definitely put his foot up your ass and through your crotch. GUARANTEED!

[g]

yeah, i don't think he's endorsing fighting except as a last resort. some people only understand the language of violence

[James]

I bet Ron's pretty good at fighting.

[King Dave]

Hey Ron! and Meet the Nieratkos are the two best articles that VICE has to offer.

[Forest]

Could you please promote whoever thought of 'Hey Ron!' It's brilliant. He's great.

[Tom Colinze]

This kind of advice is exactly why Ron sits next door with the architects now. He is designing the future, one Brick at a time.

[Big B]

Hey Ron! who is this guy at your office?

[john jorde]

Basically if you don't say how you feel your gonna make things worse. Take the initiative with annoying people, just be civil. Trust Me. I know more about diabetes, cigars, the Civil War and the War of 1812 than a fucking professor of fucking history!

[r]

this picture is hilarious.

[nursejackie]

when I was in highschool our policy was if there was someone who was smelly tell the school nurse and she would talk to them.... too bad you cant do that.

[gregory]

if I were you I would send an anonymous email and say "I can hear your obnoxiousness and smell your smelliness from all the way on the other side of the office".... he wont suspect you since you sit right next to him. GENIUS!

[roger]

its all about the knuckling up!

[eiik]

Hey Ron,

When you gonna tell everyone 'bout that time I beat you up?

[fan o' ron]

i really can't stop staring at this picture. i want it on a t-shirt.

[Leanspa Acai]

I hate people who live in a misery life and the most important thing they don't take care of themselves. It's really unacceptable in year 2010 people to stink.