In Marburg, Louis Vuitton just sued a Red Cross outpost for selling a fake Louis Vuitton bag for as little as three Euros and almost caused that place to shut down because they couldn’t afford a 2,600 Euro penalty. At least the company went back on this after realizing that this would result in a public image of pure evil. But it’s a fact that Louis Vuitton is the world’s most counterfeited brand.
On a recent trip I took to a third-world country this one lady at the airport was clad in textile nightmares that Louis Vuitton designers couldn’t possibly ever come up with, even in their worst feverish dreams. It had to be the work of glue-sniffing sweatshop workers, fake Louis Vuitton from head to toe. All I could think of was, “Wow, if she actually makes it through customs in that apparel, I’m totally going to smuggle as many drugs as possible the next time I’m traveling. And not in the depths of my ass, mind you, but in a see-through plastic bag dangling around my neck that I’ll keep sniffing nonstop.” Of course she headed for the “nothing to declare” line and got away with it all. It made me wonder what would happen if she actually felt shame for her offenses and decided to make good, so I called the corporation to find out.
Vice: Hello there.
Louis Vuitton: Louis Vuitton customer care, how may I assist you, sir?
So, I read this article about the Red Cross thing and I’m afraid I recently also purchased a counterfeit. What can I do about it now?
Well, it’s not like our lawyers will hunt you down on the street, but you will incur a penalty, indeed.
Incur a penalty? What can I do about it? Should I dispose of it, or even better, burn it?
That’s a tough question. Let me check with my superiors really quick.
(It took her ages to come back. I doodled this in the meantime.)
Yeah, so what should I do about my counterfeit item?
You can keep it, but you better not let anyone from customs catch you with that. So I guess you should refrain from traveling with it.
OK, it’s quite a pretty bag, you know. How am I supposed to tell the difference between a real and a fake bag from now on?
That’s virtually impossible.
What do you mean, virtually impossible?
The counterfeits of our brand are usually not inferior to original items. We don’t have any authenticity attributes either, at least none that I could tell you about, because a layman will never be able to tell. However, the guys from customs are pretty well trained when it comes to that.
So it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a real or a fake bag?
Well, that’s not what I said. I just said, you can’t tell the difference.
Hmm, alright then, should I drop off the bag in one of your stores so I can salvage my conscience?
No, as a matter of principle we don’t accept anything from anybody.
OK, so if you guys from the luxury empire don’t really care about anything, I guess I’ll just hold on to it then.