Our Berlin office makes their interns go through hell even before they’re actually allowed to start working at the office--just so when they do, they will appreciate the honor of delivering coffee to their desks because they will know what humiliation really looks like. These tasks turn them into better people. Sani was the first applicant who didn’t chicken out like a prissy, shy little princess girl when we asked her to perform (and document) a ritualistic cleansing of someone else's body cavities to demonstrate she really wants this job.
My roommate AJ is a pretty nice guy. Half Brit, half Filipino, he can be trusted with anything. I lean on him when I need a shoulder to cry on. But from time to time he tends to forget that there is something called "hygiene" out there. That’s why I told him that I needed him for a little experiment. "AJ," I said, "I want to see every body cavity of yours squeaking clean. Antiseptically clean."
My tools were vaginal-cleaner, nail polish, salt, a knife, Q-tips, and a lighter. I also thought, some vodka and Jägermeister would probably come in handy to make him get rid of his doubts faster.
Step one, which included pouring self-made saline solution through the nasal cavities, seemed like foreplay to the act of cleansing. All these Yoga assholes out there do it with pleasure every day, so I told him he shouldn’t cry about it and just suck the saltwater all the way up his nose. He said the burning sensation went “straight up to his brain“ before a disgusting geyser erupted from his nose.
Result: Red eyes, clean nose, and no boogers, which he usually likes to smear all around the flat when nobody is watching him.
Getting rid of the ear goo involved working with open fire. AJ peed himself, even though I lied to him and said Turkish barbers spend their days doing this and nothing else.
Squeaky clean, though I guess the procedure was a little painful and the roasted goo smelled disgusting. So much about getting rid of evil stuff by “smudging.”
After the ear fireworks I decided to give AJ a Jaegermeister break, which I used to reflect on my newfound tendencies toward sadism. Scarily, I was loving every minute of this.
I explained the tongue cleaning to AJ step by step: Put the knife on your tongue with the sharp side facing your tongue. Put it as far back as possible without making your smile even wider than it is, and then slowly pull it back to the front. If he could do it right, all of the slime he's accumulated from smoking cigarettes but not brushing his teeth would be scraped right off. If not, well, guess he'd lose his tongue.
He did it halfway and then I got scared and passed him the Jägermeister.
His tongue looked fantastic though.
The douche device was definitely the most sophisticated tool in my arsenal.
The victim described the feeling as "shitting but the other way round and just wrong—pure evil,“ and kept going on about how emotionally disturbing this all was.
Those tiny brown specks on the nozzle may strain your eyes a bit. Our bathroom smelled like all different kinds of zoo excretions but at least it was done.
The vaginal cleaner did its job as expected, even if it resulted in diarrhea. The smell was indescribable. I realized that this experiment pushed open some doors that should have stayed locked forever.
My roommate wished me death as he crawled up in a corner, humming childrens’ songs, all traumatized and catatonic. Thanks for helping me get the internship, friend.
SANAZ EGHBALI AFSHAR