VIENNA - AUSTRIA GETS ITS HANDS ON A JAPANESE SEX TOY

My hands were wet when I opened it. They would not remain the only wet things on this certain evening! Japanese sex correspondent Fu Tsueng brought a new toy back from the land of endless possibilities: the Love Cup. It's a small pink can into which I had the honor to have a wank.

I was a bit disappointed when I opened it: the included cooter consisted of two pieces of foam with a slit in the middle. This reminded me of the times when I used to fuck my mattress, only hopefully much softer. 

 

Then I saw a tiny bit of a very weird kind of slime dripping out… I´m still convinced that it was the finest Japanese minge-mucus, which had been made odorless through a complicated chemical process. My fingers approached the mattress slit slowly to explore a slimy rubber knob paradise, where I stirred around carefully. 

 

After that, I stuck a bottle of Perrier in it, because that seemed somehow decadent to me. I would've used a Moet bottle but I'd just thrown all my empties in the football stadium next to my apartment a few hours prior, wild in the throes of a nervous breakdown. The Love Cup passed the bottle test in an excellent way--it had long bacterial mucus filaments on it when I pulled it out, so I knew that it was time for the major shit…

I turned on some hentai porn, leaned back, and played with my cock. It quickly reached the right degree of hardness to initiate this wonderful can properly. What a joy. OK, it was a bit colder than it is inside a real vagina, and instead of the common square feet of skin and body there was just a small plastic cup. Some people might say it'd be better to get one's wiener licked by a dog, or just to let it hang down in a cold swimming pool, but I will definitely stick with the Love Cup! It's just another simplification for my life as a TV- and computer-addicted misanthrope. I don’t even have to pretend to be interested in girls seriously or buy them a drink or whatever anymore. The only social contact I have to activate for this great pleasure is the one to my correspondent Tsueng, when I buy the cans. I will place the first bulk order very soon and start to distribute the cans throughout Austria. Character and appearance will no longer matter, because we will have the Love Cup!

DR. FRED OTZE

Comments

[kaiser minelli]

shit do you know where i can get one?

[2wongfu]

i wanna start a collection of bizarre japanese products, whatever they are.

[Gross]

Looks like that thing can get nasty pretty quickly.

[lazy eyez killa]

so... is there a spit valve on this contraption or do you keep adding to the collection like a jar full of bacon grease?

[Holden Caulfield]

Dude, that shit is like 5 years old... *Yawn*

[AudienceOfOne]

Dr. F.OTZE ahahahahahah
Great stuff.

[anonymouse]

is it better than the fleshlight? that's all that matters really. foam sounds scratchy and scratchy is not a good quality for my junk.

[curious]

So it's better than a dog, or a swimming pool.Not much of a sell.

[savorysnacks]

Don't see how you could use that thing more than once (if you want to at all)

[Jabalah]

that don't look like a very long cup. how you suppos to pund the shit out of it?

[jasper]

how many uses can you get from one? your own sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, and so on.

[itchygitchyyahyah]

i wonder how many times that thing is meant to be used

[weekend getaway]

they should hand these out in prison

[Max Moon]

Loser toy. Get out of the house for once and find the real deal.

[sunny phil]

true, even considering using this thing means you've hit rock bottom.

[desperate]

even if you've competely given up on the real thing, theres better options out there than this shit.

[louuu]

we have those in america. fleshlight.

[Adult Products]

lol. The Japanese really epitomizes the adage: expect the unexpected! I wonder if the fleshlight's making was inspired through this product, or is it the other way around? I guess none of that matters now, just have a good wank! ;)

[respect]

Fucking genius. A canned fifi towel. and you can toss it in the recycling bin. The japanese have probably just solved that whole fucking-our-planet-to-death situation. Someone getting a Nobel.

[Global Sex Expert]

I never understood the need to move beyond a hand... let's leave science out of this.

[catbird]

this is pretty fucking weird, it seems like it would be super boring to

[SF Sex Toys]

Wow... fucking the mattress. Now there's some memories...

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[Webcam Models Wanted]

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[Lola]

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