My friend Jonny wrote a book about a guy named Jonny from Winnipeg who works at a strip mall and smokes pot and wants to be a writer and does threesomes. Jonny is a guy from Winnipeg who used to work at a strip mall and is a writer, but I doubt if he ever got to do threesome. Who knows? Maybe. He IS getting his dick sucked by a lot of reviewers lately and he did just launch his book with Guy Maddin this week. That's a big deal. Jonny's very fucking funny. I called him up and asked him a few questions about what it feels like to be a famous literary star. Turns out it feels amazing.
Vice: So your big book launch was last night. How are you feeling today, buddy?
Jon Paul Fiorentino: Stabby. I'm out buying Winnipeg souvenirs--knives with the Winnipeg Civic Crest on them.
What's the Winnipeg Civic Crest?
It's a Honda Civic with a big W on it.
Yuk-yuk. So what's your book all about?
Um, it's about a young kid living in a strip mall in Winnipeg. There's gas pumping, drug deals gone wrong, a marriage gone wrong, a preemptive mid-life crisis, a gag comic about Helen Keller.
Sounds OK. What's the Helen Keller joke about?
I don't want to give away the ending but the joke is that she's deaf and blind.
Are you one of those writers that tells the same story over and over again?
Sure I tell the same story: boy meets girl, boy sells drugs, boy discovers self-reflexivity, boy re-narrates same story, boy uses force to destroy Death Star... sigh.
If you had to sell your Sunfire but you could get any new car, like any new car in the world, what kind would you choose?
The hover kind.
That's a good answer. And is it true you have two offices? And that you call one "the wet one?" Is the wet office in the Village?
The wet one is at Copacabana Bar. The dry one's in the back alley behind the DeVry Institute.
Now for some hard-hitting questions. Do you really think your BlackBerry is better than my iPhone?
Are you crazy? Please. How fast can you type? How many words a minute?
I honestly don't know how many words a minute I can type. Like a billion maybe?
I can do 90. Remember that time when you let me crash at your place last summer and I puked in your bed?
Were you ever able to get the stains out? I guess I'd had a grape Slushee that night.
I prefer stained sheets.
Uh-huh. Why do you publish with small presses? Is that an excuse for not bothering to try to publish with big presses?
That's a weird question. I prefer literary presses to corporate presses because I find the writing is generally better.
Do you want to go have a beer with Ian and me?
What are you saying yes for? You can't go for a beer with us, you're in fucking Winnipeg like a jerk. I'll talk to you later.