VANCOUVER - COCK SNOBS

To the boys reading this, on the off chance you didn’t know: girls discuss everything about how you fuck. Especially when beer or hard liquor is involved. Sowwy. When girls get together and have giggle parties it all comes out - technique, timing, the faces you made, the weird things you said, if you grunt like a little pot-bellied pig, and how you measured up. In size. They even do that size-approximation thing with their hands the way men'll talk about a fish they caught, like, 'It was about yay big.' Increasingly, I’ve noticed a trend among women; both strangers and friends alike. Many of them are fancying themselves as penis connoisseurs. They refer to themselves as cock snobs and will flat out discriminate against men who aren't at least above average. I decided to talk to a couple of self-proclaimed cock snobs and explore this exciting new trend as an impartial journalist. I just like this kind of hard-hitting news.

Vice: Dr. Oz on Oprah says the average size of a penis is five inches, which is what, the size of a pinkie? Are you going to argue with the most powerful woman in the world’s doctor? He also says in relation to the rest of the animal kingdom, five inches is really big because humans don’t have a bone in their penis.

Cock Snob #1: I’m not fucking animals.

Cock Snob #2: Dr. Oz obviously has a three inch cock. Because he thinks five inches is average. He’s been convincing his wife for the last 25 years that that’s big.

So do you have a technique to check out the goods?

#1: Oh yeah, it’s called the Swipe By or the Drive By. Say you’re with somebody and you’re hooking up but you haven’t decided if you’re going to go all the way. So you just sort of mess around a little bit and then you pretend to scratch your leg so you can get a feel to see if you wanna go further. If not, you roll over and go to sleep.

#2: My ex-boyfriend was trained by his previous girlfriend not to rub against her. He had it hidden between his legs and he’d keep his bottom away from me when we were making out. So I had to be like, ‘Rub it on! Push it into me, don’t be scared.'

Have there been any times when it’s been too late? When things got out of hand before you'd had a chance to do a Swipe By?

#2: There was this guy I had tension with for a while. One night he dropped me off, and he called me right afterwards and asked if I wanted him to come back, and I said yes. He came over and we got to it right away. And then when he took off his pants it was the smallest dink I’d ever seen in my life. It was like two thumbs put together. It was rock hard and it was not getting any bigger. I had to pity fuck him.

#1: I actually had sex with a small penis guy one time and I don’t do anal, but I ended up doing anal.

What about guys who know they’re small but are ready to compensate in other ways?

#1. That means they just won’t get laid in my book.

So what would happen if everything was there - chemistry, good looks, sense of humour, wasn’t a skid, owned  a home and a cabin on an island somewhere desirable and an iPhone but no big wang. Then what?

#1: Are we talking average? Like, according to Dr. Oz average?

#2. If I’m not walking funny afterwards, it’s not worth it. If it’s all there except for the size, we become friends. I need to be satisfied for the rest of time.

Does your heart sink a little?

#2: Yes.

#1: No. I’m just turned off.

I’m sure some people would assume this is all a power thing and that you were touched inappropriately by a person you were meant to trust at some point in your life. What would your response be?

#1: No, I just have a really huge vagina. It’s ‘cause I’ve had ten kids. I’m a surrogate. It’s not a power thing.

So what if there was a guy who only did chicks with tight V's and yours was considered too loose.

#2: He obviously only does Asians.

#1: You can do keegals or do the rejuvenation surgery.

#2: I’m not getting my pussy rejuvenated. My pussy’s nice.

So there's no wiggle room. No big cock, no entry into your vagina? Bottom line?

#1: It has to be above average. And I’m talking six inches, that’s always been the average penis size. I don’t know how it’s gone down an inch. And with all the hormones in meat and stuff?

#2: There’s a cock for every vagina and those small ones aren’t for us.

That's really romantic. So. To summerize. Magnums are a girl’s best friend.

#1. If you use condoms.

ELIANNA LEV

 

Comments

[mike]

*hangs head in shame*

why can't i just have one extra inch? this is why i have crush on shane smith.

whores.

[clap shitty]

Great article breaking new ground! You should do an interview with the women behind Liger Beat magazine. oh wait.

[James]

Posting here because I'm guessing other Vancouverites will also read this post...

Where can I find the print edition of Vice in Vancouver? Not having any luck at the obvious suspects (cafes, clothing stores, music venues).

[sad dick]

This is why i consider catching the gay sometimes.

you girls make me feel like shit.

[shirley]

oh dear, for once men's bodies are being picked apart in vice. if you need to feel better about yourself, go slag on some girl you think is "fat" in the dos and don'ts.

[nickjonas69]

these girls obviously have no idea what they're talking aboot; they're fucking canadian there's no way they have enough experience with penises and non-metric measurement to be able to tell by their hands exact dick size.

[caper]

man i thought this post was going to be about food, then i read it and now i feel like shit.

[can't think of a good alias right now]

i don't care how talented a "man" is in bed and how wonderful and amazing he is and how many charities he contributes to and how many islands and business and private jets he owns (and how small the vagina of the person he's fucking is), if he has a small dink then... let's just face it, he'll always be a pity fuck - unless you're a girl with low self esteem and really, really into buying louis vuitton bags and flying on private jet planes to make yourself feel better about thinking you're just another ugly, fat girl who's not as good as math as other girls.

i was a virgin until 21 years of age (a giant feat worth medals in "white" culture) and i held out because i had self-respect (notice how i said "had") and was always self-aware enough, even at a young age to know that i wasn't ready to deal with the issues surrounding having sex (sexually transmitted diseases, having sex with a scumbag, end up having sex with someone i didn't love or didn't love me, etc). i was glad i waited because my first love was awesome and we're still good friends and he spoiled me. he had a massive cock and we had great chemistry on top of that. we probably would've gotten married if his parents didn't get divorced and scare him off of marriage and if i wasn't stoned all the time and caring more about my career than getting married - obviously we were both too young for marriage. anyway he definitely spoiled me and my next boyfriend after him had the smallest dink i've ever seen in my entire life (and believe you me, i've seen a lot penises - and not cause i'm a giant slut, but i majored in fine arts and since high school i've done a lot of figure drawing , and hence seen a lot of naked men modeling for figure drawing classes). it kinda ruined it for me (the smallness of his penis). and he was really sweet to me until he made-our with some mormon whore (i know oxymoron!) in utah where he was shooting or competing in some snowboarding thing. i was obviously insulted and betrayed, but i was also kinda relieved because i thought "thank god! i don't have to pity-fuck this ever again!"

ever since that experience i always to do the "window-shop" before i fuck a guy and some guys think i'm a prude and partially it's because i don't think some guys deserve to have that intimacy with me because sometimes that type of intimacy is reserved for some very special person. anyway, the guy i'm with is great in every way - he's smart, extremely handsome, sexy, has an awesome body, he's really creative, has a great sense of humour, is compassionate and a gentleman, simultaneously nerdy and sophisticated, a family guy, is humble and not a self-obsessed prick, and we have great mental and physical chemistry and he owns an ipod. however he doesn't own a house and cabin and i barely notice, partially because i'm not a gold-digger, but partially because he has the biggest cock i've ever seen and touched.

[Matthew, Mark Luke and John]

meh. all the best on your search for big cocks. who would stay friends with a girl that wouldn't date you because of your dick?

..these big vagina ladies are getting away with murder.

[rhianon]

i couldn't get past the first three paragraphs of this article... thank fucking god none of my friends are as shallow and, frankly, pathetic as these people.

viewing this as 'payback' for all the scrutiny women have to undergo is bullshit. like we need to encourage the complexes that are pervading sexuality any further.

[ray madison]

ive got a big dick, but i'm a premature ejaculator.

[Jim Dangle]

Wow, nice essay @can't think of a good alias right now.

[ronald johnson]

big dicks are for pussies mannnn.

[less_cunning]

small dick anal sex: DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU TRY IT LADIES !!!

[Sucks_for_You]

I'm not one to brag, but it's funny I liked weird-looking dudes, and didn't care for big dicks much (I'm kinda' small) yet I ended up with "the-hottest-guy-in-the-room", that has a super thick, 9 incher, and takes for ever to ejaculate.

Take that you shallow, high maintenance, cunts!

[doesn't matter]

This post is for can't think of a good alias right now! You ROCK that was the funniest thing i have read in a long time and you go girl. I work at Mr.Lube its a oil change shop i am surrounded by self obsessed dudes that ushually talk about how big their dicks are and how much they want to fuck this and fuck that. I listen to it all day long. They even hump things random things like the walls and tool box and such. All i have to say is that your self confidence while writing such a piece is fuckin awsome and ya you go girl. HAHA

[doesn't matter]

And in my experience men who talk all day long about their cock obsessing over what they want to do with it and "HOW ITS SO BIG!!!" have DINKS aka small cocks. I guess they spend all day talking about it to try to make themselves comfortable with the fact that they will never measure up.

[doesn't matter]

And im not posting this because i specifically love big cocks because frankly ive had sex with some under average people and they are just as good it is true when they say that its not the size that counts its the way they use it. But i do hate people "MEN" who sit around all day talking about how big their cocks are when they really are the smaller ones thats the pathetic part about men is the way the talk themselves up all the time and for who themselves? Cause im not paying attention to what they have to say.

[jack johnson]

hey Sucks_for_You how do uno less_cunning is a girl hmmmmm?

[cornelius]

Holy shit! less_cunning!
you is all over the internets

[big strap on]

hahah this article is hillarious! YEAH GIRLS!!

[COCKS!]

Is this feminism at its finest?

[MF]

that one penis has a sore

[shithead]

james re: print versions

blakes on carrall street in gastown.

[shithead]

also, let's be real:

dudes with small cocks give the best head and are hot finger fucks.

let's not add to the complex.