This last week marks the 100th time I’ve heard a girl say, “I wish you would have warned me that you’re like this.” I mean, what does that even mean? The idea is to get people to sleep with you and want to continue wasting their time with you for as long as possible. If in the first week of seeing someone I was to come out with something like, “You know, I know that I am amazing-looking and always make plans for good stuff to do–but eventually I will start making you cry and not let up until you’re a shell of a person,” I would never ever have boobs in my face again, and that’s just not a price I’m willing to pay. In my tumultuous years of dating, I have absolutely NOT learned how to be good at relationships. I have learned how to make people fall in love with me and then ruin their lives. But the subtle art of not making a girl puke from grief on every major holiday? Nope, too hard. One relationship skill I have down is how to take a beautiful thing and just really fuck it up. In case you don’t know how to do this yourself already, follow these simple steps.
When first starting to date someone, make sure to be really, really nice. Treat your chosen mate like a queen and take her to awesome places like a pudding factory and off-the-beaten-path hot dog stands. Then choose random days to list off things that you have never liked about her, and make it seem like every fun day you’ve had together was just a lie and extremely painful for you to have ever endured. Most importantly, when she starts crying, tell her that the sight of her tears makes you sick. This can all be explained away later by reminding her that you’re a brilliant artist type, and you only act this way because you’re so...arty.
In a relationship, it’s important for each person to maintain their autonomy and keep up with their own friends, hobbies, and interests. Make sure to engage your girlfriend in every thought, whim, issue, and mental breakdown you have. Partnerships are about sharing, and if she doesn’t have emotional energy left over for her own stuff after sifting through yours, well, that’s just another thing to hold against her later. It’s always a good idea to make it seem like everything you are doing, or need to do, is far more important than what your partner is doing or would ever care to do. Once in a while it’s OK to really express interest in some sort of hope or dream they have–it will add at least two weeks onto your rotting relationship, and will be a great conversation starter later on when you lay into them about how they don’t ever do anything for themselves.
Establish a healthy support system where you are fully supported by your mate at all times, unconditionally. There may be times when she turns to you for support, and it feels great to be able to return it–when you feel like it. If your partner begins to turn to family and friends for support, remind her that it’s a bitch move and is only driving a wedge between your beautiful union. Tell her to suck it up and that she can always talk to you about any problem she has. Then leave for the day and don’t tell her where you’re going.
Breaking up sucks, but you can probably find ways to convince your (ex-)partner that the time you spent together wasn’t really THAT bad. Encourage them to focus on the good times you shared together. And they will, because that’s what good people do. If they should try and dwell on the various ways you hurt their feelings throughout your relationship, make them feel weak and stupid for having put up with it for so long. I mean, what did they expect?? Don’t they understand that it hurts YOU to be an asshole way more than it could ever hurt them by dating one?